three little words

[goldenlangur]

Edited:

 

three little words

silently tossed across the seas

in my in-box

your message lights up

a cold and wet spring

 

 

First version:

 

three little words

silently tossed across the seas

in my in-box

your messages lights up

a cold and wet spring

Edited June 4, 2010 by goldenlangur

[waxwings]

three little words

silently tossed across the seas

in my in-box

your messages lights up

a cold and wet spring

 

An excellent subject for a well done Western version tanka. As per tradition, the title is unneeded. BTW, should that not read "messages light" (sing.) etc.

[Tinker]

Nice GL, three little words - I can only assume the obvious - I love you . . . these would light up any cold and wet spring... So simple, so lovely.

 

On a techinical note, I think "message" rather than "messages" would be more appropriate... Your first line refers to 3 words which I would assume was 1 message. However, there might be more messages unrevealed that you are reffering to and your assumed audience is only the sender of the messages then "messages" is appropriate. But for the random reader of this poem, only the 1 message is pertinent. (I certainly made scrambled eggs out of that thought.)

 

I like "light" up the cold and wet Spring... yet, I wonder if to "warm" up the cold and wet Spring would be more cozy...Just a thought. (Your poem lit up my room but it happens to be pouring rain outside right now and it is chilly so I am looking for cozy right now. Rain in May?)

 

By the way, we can't reply in the "Promotions" forum but I wanted to say congratulations on the publishing of your work. It doesn't surprise me. I have always been a fan.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

I like the modern circuitry in this tanka, Goldenlangur. I hope the message keeps the memory chip warm for some time to come.

 

Tony

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

very beautiful. i like.

 

victor

[dr_con]

GL,

 

A very clear and perfect work- deeply impressed by the simplicity and yet it convets so much...

 

Well Done,

 

DC&J

[Lake]

golden,

 

Like Tinker, three little words of "I love you" immediately come to my mind ( or are there any other three words?).

Then you have to decide as others sugguested either "your messages light up" or "your message lights up".

As usual, very nice tanka.

 

Lake

[goldenlangur]

Hi waxwing, Tink, Tony, victor, DC and Lake,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this tanka.

 

 

There was indeed a typo in message, which I have now amended, thanks to your close reading.

 

Tony - so glad that the modern ton of this appealed to you.

 

victor - I'm delighted that you enjoyed the romantic note.

 

Tink - Thank you for your kind wishes. It's a small start. I appreciate your generous support of my writing. Re your suggestion of warms up, I think it is great idea and will use it in my re-write.

 

 

With appreciation.

[Frank E Gibbard]

Charming and personal one Golden.

[badger11]

'lights up' suggests warmth and more, shreds the gloom, 'warmth' has less 'spark'

 

either way a warming poem

 

badge

[Aleksandra]

Wow Goldenlangur, these three little worlds looks very far but at same time very close. This is lovely tanka, I felt desire in your words, and that is what makes the spring cold and wet - if I watch in metaphorically way.

 

As always, this was beautiful poem to read.

 

Aleksandra