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Poetry Magnum Opus
tonyv

Junk

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tonyv

She's peeking past our haven's sky and stars
at other firmaments of glitz and wonder.
My little skipjack's dredging for denars;
she's trading up from clams to lustrous plunder.

I'll call a squall to free me from my pier
to take this trawler past the waves, then under.
There, I will rust in peace, without the fear

that someone else will come to steal my thunder
and set my upward one and me asunder.

________________________________

skipjack (also a synonym for "parvenu")
Denar


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JoelJosol

I learned something new today, tony, about sonnets.

 

Is the 'magnum opus' part referring to a poem that the 'she' snubbed in the poem?


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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waxwings
She's peeking past my ocean's sky and stars

at other firmaments of glitz and wonder.

My "magnum opus" joneses for denars;

she's turned her eyes from me to other plunder.

 

I'll call a squall to free me from my pier,

to take this junk beyond the waves, then under.

There I'll rust in peace without the fear

 

that someone else will come to steal my thunder,

to set my masterpiece and me asunder.

 

Wonderful. An excellent embodynent of a Rainis' sonnet, I believe. Marvelous inclusion, due to the feminine rhyme, of the extra unstressed syllable in L's 2, 4, 6, 8 7 9. And the internal rhyme in L 5. (Wow!) One note: L7 might want to be "There, I will...." to have 10 syllables.

 

I'm abit at sea re the "magnum opus" joneses, but that is a minor,

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tonyv
I learned something new today, tony, about sonnets.

 

Is the 'magnum opus' part referring to a poem that the 'she' snubbed in the poem?

 

Interesting take, Joel. But in this poem, "magnum opus" is a metaphor for another person, a woman. thanks for taking a look.

 

Tony


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tonyv
Egardles of form, romantic, well conceived and an utter delight!

 

DC&J

 

Thank you, Juris! Romantic was certainly one of the elements I was shooting for. And I appreciate the well conceived part.

 

Tony


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tonyv
Wonderful. An excellent embodynent of a Rainis' sonnet, I believe. Marvelous inclusion, due to the feminine rhyme, of the extra unstressed syllable in L's 2, 4, 6, 8 7 9. And the internal rhyme in L 5. (Wow!) One note: L7 might want to be "There, I will...." to have 10 syllables.

 

I'm abit at sea re the "magnum opus" joneses, but that is a minor,

Thank you, Ikars, for the kind compliments, observations, and suggestions. I wanted to use a comma in L7 but wasn't sure if it was correct. I thought of asking you and then decided to post it and see what, if anything, you would say about it. Consequently, I've added it and eliminated the contraction, as you suggested. So, thank you (as always) for your attention to the details.

 

As for "jonesing," I should have included a footnote. It's actually slang for "yearning." (It comes from the expression "keeping up with the Jones's.") For example, I could say, "My friend got a new iPhone, and now I'm jonesing for a new BlackBerry." I considered using a more classical word, but I wanted the poem to have a hint of a contemporary edge. And, as I pointed out above to Joel, "magnum opus," in this poem, is my metaphor for a love interest. I used the quotation marks to try to get that across, albeit with a touch of irony.

 

As ever,

 

Tony


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waxwings

I guessed it was that, but would you please , for my sake, consider finding smething less un-glamorous for the "magnum opus" notion, How about "grand malaise" or some other foreignbut adoptive term for obsession. Your openping line suggests a "grand love" and is proven at the end. I shudder to thing she is something you created, or am I all wet. BTW, I posted and read my post before anyone else but Juris posted their comments. How come other posts now show up before mine!?!?

Edited by waxwings

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tonyv
I guessed it was that, but would you please , for my sake, consider finding smething less un-glamorous for the "magnum opus" notion, How about "grand malaise" or some other foreignbut adoptive term for obsession. Your openping line suggests a "grand love" and is proven at the end. I shudder to thing she is something you created, or am I all wet. BTW, I posted and read my post before anyone else but Juris posted their comments. How come other posts now show up before mine!?!?

 

Thanks, again, Ike. While a love interest can certainly be a "project," a creation of sorts, I do see your point and will seriously consider using a different personification. Perhaps something that corresponds with the operative maritime metaphor might do the trick. I am of the school of thought that the poem itself, the actual work of art, takes precedence to the poet-speaker and whatever his issues may be. That is, I can usually set my personal desires and original intent aside in favor of changes that will make the poem a better poem. After all, the audience, the reader, doesn't really care about the poet's personal problems.

 

As for why the other posts came up before yours, I don't know. It's possible the other members were working at the same time. I've heard it referred to as cross-posting, like when letters cross in the mail. But I doubt it's a glitch in the software.

 

Tony


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waxwings
I guessed it was that, but would you please , for my sake, consider finding smething less un-glamorous for the "magnum opus" notion, How about "grand malaise" or some other foreignbut adoptive term for obsession. Your openping line suggests a "grand love" and is proven at the end. I shudder to thing she is something you created, or am I all wet. BTW, I posted and read my post before anyone else but Juris posted their comments. How come other posts now show up before mine!?!?

 

Thanks, again, Ike. While a love interest can certainly be a "project," a creation of sorts, I do see your point and will seriously consider using a different personification. Perhaps something that corresponds with the operative maritime metaphor might do the trick. I am of the school of thought that the poem itself, the actual work of art, takes precedence to the poet-speaker and whatever his issues may be. That is, I can usually set my personal desires and original intent aside in favor of changes that will make the poem a better poem. After all, the audience, the reader, doesn't really care about the poet's personal problems.

 

As for why the other posts came up before yours, I don't know. It's possible the other members were working at the same time. I've heard it referred to as cross-posting, like when letters cross in the mail. But I doubt it's a glitch in the software.

 

Tony

 

I thoroughly enjoy your responses. It is to learn more about how different poets approach their art that I have joined fotums pointed similarly to this one, but so far none have been as satisfactory.

 

I do not fully concur on the precedence issue, nut, certainly, the poem itself must take the larger if not the entire precedence. However, I wonder if it is fair to not to deny completely the poet-self nor its issues, esp. if the poets persona and issues are not entirely selfish but recognizable, universal, shared in some degree with others and in some part resident in all human beings. One should never set personal desires aside, but to weigh and reposition them

to get a more sympathetic response.

 

As for the posting curiosity, I might have posted it then took some time to continue editing it to re-post later. It really does not matter, but I may have to act differently to alow me to read what others comment on to avoid repeating what has been said or give them credit.

 

BTW, the maritime metaphor is admissive of any sub-metaphor for her as long as it is self consistent. I could not truly make up my mind if the "magnum opus" (achoed in "masterpiece was indeed the "She" herself or, say, a poem, painting, sculpture about/of her. (I did for a moment, consider "jonesing" to have something to do w/ Davey Jones' locker. :rolleyes: )

 

I find the poem-at-the-core of your written record most pleasing. Any changes others or I suggest or you make cannot destroy that but may help to open its eventual written-down (by you) version/form to a larger audience, should it get into print. Too many not fully accomplished poets, including me, are bound to have this ailment of not trusting revision to not destroy the poem-essential.

Edited by waxwings

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tonyv
I thoroughly enjoy your responses. It is to learn more about how different poets approach their art that I have joined fotums pointed similarly to this one, but so far none have been as satisfactory.

We do have a terrific group. Thank you for being a part of it!

 

I do not fully concur on the precedence issue, nut, certainly, the poem itself must take the larger if not the entire precedence. However, I wonder if it is fair to not to deny completely the poet-self nor its issues, esp. if the poets persona and issues are not entirely selfish but recognizable, universal, shared in some degree with others and in some part resident in all human beings. One should never set personal desires aside, but to weigh and reposition them

to get a more sympathetic response.

I edited the poem. I think the edits have yielded major improvements, thanks to your valuable input. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Tony

 

 

 

ORIGINAL VERSION:

 

Junk

 

She's peeking past my ocean's sky and stars

at other firmaments of glitz and wonder.

My "magnum opus" joneses for denars;

she's turned her eyes from me to other plunder.

 

I'll call a squall to free me from my pier,

to take this junk beyond the waves, then under.

There I'll rust in peace without the fear

 

that someone else will come to steal my thunder,

to set my masterpiece and me asunder.


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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waxwings
I thoroughly enjoy your responses. It is to learn more about how different poets approach their art that I have joined fotums pointed similarly to this one, but so far none have been as satisfactory.

We do have a terrific group. Thank you for being a part of it!

 

I do not fully concur on the precedence issue, nut, certainly, the poem itself must take the larger if not the entire precedence. However, I wonder if it is fair to not to deny completely the poet-self nor its issues, esp. if the poets persona and issues are not entirely selfish but recognizable, universal, shared in some degree with others and in some part resident in all human beings. One should never set personal desires aside, but to weigh and reposition them

to get a more sympathetic response.

I edited the poem. I think the edits have yielded major improvements, thanks to your valuable input. I appreciate it a lot.

 

Tony

 

 

 

ORIGINAL VERSION:

 

Junk

 

She's peeking past my ocean's sky and stars

at other firmaments of glitz and wonder.

My "magnum opus" joneses for denars;

she's turned her eyes from me to other plunder.

 

I'll call a squall to free me from my pier,

to take this junk beyond the waves, then under.

There I will rust in peace without the fear ~~ need that extra syllable & repeating elisions is not the cat's pajamas.

 

that someone else will come to steal my thunder,

to set my masterpiece and me asunder.

 

You have made clear(er) what magnum opus is/stands for (could use Caps). Glad! I am. Rare when ideas mesh regardless how good each.

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tonyv
You have made clear(er) what magnum opus is/stands for (could use Caps). Glad! I am. Rare when ideas mesh regardless how good each.

 

Ikars, look up! to the top of the topic! I made significant changes to this poem. [i should have mentioned that the edits appear in the top post (Post #1)].

 

 

Tony

 

 

 

PS -- I also changed the word "other" in L4 to "lustrous," because I already used the former in L2. I realize I used "lustrous" in another recent poem, but I think it's a good word, and fits in both poems.


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waxwings
You have made clear(er) what magnum opus is/stands for (could use Caps). Glad! I am. Rare when ideas mesh regardless how good each.

 

Ikars, look up! to the top of the topic! I made significant changes to this poem. [i should have mentioned that the edits appear in the top post (Post #1)].

 

 

Tony

 

 

 

PS -- I also changed the word "other" in L4 to "lustrous," because I already used the former in L2. I realize I used "lustrous" in another recent poem, but I think it's a good word, and fits in both poems.

 

I made the edit from “I’ll” to “I will” before you posted your revision, I think, andwould I missed it.

 

I like ‘skipjack’, but does it ‘dredge’ for oysters or ‘gathers’ them in a manner less reminiscent of dredging up mud etc, to deepen navigation channels.

 

Dinars is more likely to be recognized than denars. Unless you have reason for pointing to the Macedonian usage, the former is the safer version.

 

I’d drop the comma at end of L5. Sentence continues (same subject) on next line which contains the second part of the compound predicate, "I’ll call . . . and take . . .") Your comma is a proper way to separate the two adverbs (past . . . , then under), the second hiding after the preposition "then".

 

You might want to add that kind of a comma in L7, to be consistent in structure, i.e., in peace, without the fear, to mark two independent adverbials of “to rust”.

 

My grammar checker does (as it did for L5) mark the ending comma as wrong because it reads “come to steal to set” as a complex predicate. It is your choice to drop the comma or to replace the last “to” w/”and. That way “to steal . . . and “to set” create a compound adverbial phrase for the verb “to come”.

 

As for replacing the "other", a kinder less demeaning solotion might be "she's turned her eyes to a more lustrous plunder." because to me" is obvious and superfluous, while "more lustrous" makes you other than "dull" unles that is how you feel.

 

she's turned her eyes from me to other plunder - original

she's trading up from clams to lustrous plunder - revised.

 

I believe you will recognize my comments/edits to any poem in general are aimed at literary finesse, not to say an author is wrong. They are suggestions made to the best of my knowledge and not criticisms as such.

Edited by waxwings

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tonyv
I like ‘skipjack’, but does it ‘dredge’ for oysters or ‘gathers’ them in a manner less reminiscent of dredging up mud etc, to deepen navigation channels.

Yes, it does dredge for oysters. From the linked wikipedia article:

 

"The skipjack is a type of sailboat developed on the Chesapeake Bay for oyster dredging .... "

 

Dinars is more likely to be recognized than denars. Unless you have reason for pointing to the Macedonian usage, the former is the safer version.

"Denar" is a deliberate choice. It has personal significance.

 

I’d drop the comma at end of L5. Sentence continues (same subject) on next line which contains the second part of the compound predicate, "I’ll call . . . and take . . .") Your comma is a proper way to separate the two adverbs (past . . . , then under),the second hiding after the preposition "then".

 

You should do that as well in L7, i.e., in peace, without the fear / to mark two independent adverbials for “to rust”.

Done. Thank you.

 

My grammar checker does (as it did for L5) mark the ending comma as wrong because it reads “come to steal to set” as a complex predicate. It is your choice to drop the comma or to replace the last “to” w/”and. That way “to steal . . . and “to set” create a compound adverbial phrase for the verb “to come”.

I'll think more about the choice. For now, I'll change "to" to "and."

 

With appreciation,

 

Tony


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Larsen M. Callirhoe

wow what a interesting poem. i like the natural flow and rythm. excellent work my friend tony. i don't like the title maybe "Jonesing Magnum Opus" might work better imo. but than again what do i know.

 

in many of my poems i want all to relate and understand what i mean so i don't use a large vocubulary like most poets do. i know i have improved vastly.

 

i have MS in the brain an in a few years saddly i will forget everything in just one day. i have it majorly in my brain so many MS lesions genes.

 

i really don;'t know what to think of reality anymore. ive been told you get it thru heredity but no one on my family has MS.

 

i do write some complicated poems but i realise i have only written about 5 to 10 lol but not really funny.

 

*i enjoyed the intellectual conversation between you and waxwings.

 

victor


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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tonyv

Thank you, Victor. I'm glad you liked the poem.

 

Yes, I did do away with the mixed metaphors by losing the "magnum opus" parts and keeping the maritime ones. And yes, I kept the title. After all, "junk" is from the old English word "jonk," which was used to refer to things on ships that weren't actually new but were nevertheless useful. Thus, even the title seems to complement the trope albeit ever so subtly.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the recent health complication you're now dealing with. I know someone who also has ms, and I'm always relieved to hear that she's managing it and has it under control.

 

Anyway, keep writing. I always like when you post new stuff.

 

Tony


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Larsen M. Callirhoe

wow tony im not worthy lol/ i love both versions but actualy the mixed metaphors in the second poem makes me think of magnum opus lol. you are good at your craft with some keen imput by waxwings.

 

i have 2 cd set of english grammer 1101 and 2 in college and the other cd is of grammer leaned in primary school. and i confess where do you learn some of these english rules of syntax and grammer. im learned i guess i didnt have the right teachers lol.

 

victor


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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waxwings
wow tony im not worthy lol/ i love both versions but actualy the mixed metaphors in the second poem makes me think of magnum opus lol. you are good at your craft with some keen imput by waxwings.

 

i have 2 cd set of english grammer 1101 and 2 in college and the other cd is of grammer leaned in primary school. and i confess where do you learn some of these english rules of syntax and grammer. im learned i guess i didnt have the right teachers lol.

 

victor

 

Dear victor,

 

I can't help but feel badly when a mind as keen as yours seems is endangered with some crummy ailment. And I do feel honored that you are tracking the exchange of thoughts tonyv and I indulge in.

 

As for grammar, what I blame all teachers for, in the many language classes I have had, is not telling students that grammar is not a dead discipline invented to torture students but is a road map, established by our ancestors over a span of who knows how many thousands of years. It is a road map for how to arrange words in a way that simplifies and clarifies what we say to each other. Many a poor use of words has started wars, pogroms and holocausts.

 

Just keep on writing and reading back to yoursef and do it w/o hurrying and you will discover that you are doing it jus the way your ancestors did. What tonyv, others and I do is merely naming the parts in a formal manner. If no one did that, those parts would still exist.

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badger11

Clever, thoughtful, but also deeply felt. The notion of rusting in peace was beautiful.

 

Alternatively sail the oceans to seek a kindred spirit...but would the poems be so good?

 

badge

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

hi waxwings,

 

believe when i say i want to learn. as or the discussion over the content and crossing metaphors over this poem i have found solace, refuge, and reassurance that this is one of the best conversations i have read concerning a poem's content. i have learned allot about how metaphors and word usage in a poem is a good thing and fun also which is the delemia most teachers fail to realise when teaching is make the subject matter and content fun and worthwhile to learn.

 

much enjoyed.

 

victor


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Tinker

Hi Tony, I have been so focused on form's research that I have neglected to come up for air and read what you all are writing. Shame on me, I might have missed this pearl. Of course I love the use of the Rainis Sonnet frame which you used so skillfully that it almost disappeard. The extended metaphor was flawless. It is a nice frame isn't it? For some reason it feels comfortable to me as if the glove fits.

 

Just a note, there is a very famous poem by the same name, Junk by Richard Wilbur that is used over and over as a modern day example of Anglo Saxon Verse. When I first saw you title, my mind flashed on this poem but your poem goes in an entirly different direction.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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waxwings
hi waxwings,

 

believe when i say i want to learn. as or the discussion over the content and crossing metaphors over this poem i have found solace, refuge, and reassurance that this is one of the best conversations i have read concerning a poem's content. i have learned allot about how metaphors and word usage in a poem is a good thing and fun also which is the delemia most teachers fail to realise when teaching is make the subject matter and content fun and worthwhile to learn.

 

much enjoyed.

 

victor

 

Right on! victor. Keep on trucking.

Edited by waxwings

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tonyv
Clever, thoughtful, but also deeply felt. The notion of rusting in peace was beautiful.

Thank you, Badge. :D Glad you liked my play on R.I.P.: "rust in peace."

 

Tony


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