badger11 Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) beyond the river's prattle to stone, bone white. beyond muddy love pools, a once bright leaf, floating just beyond. original beyond the river's prattle to stone bone white, beyond muddy love pools that once bright leaf, floating just beyond Edited June 25, 2010 by badger11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 The leaf was once bright (now it's not), so this makes me think of autumn leading into winter. For some reason, when I read this, I picture a white leaf (a victim of pollution, perhaps?) and birch trees. But I do see the calm river at the one end and the more turbulent near-rapids at the other. I wonder if that once bright leaf could be changed to read a once bright leaf ... While "that" is certainly clear, the other way provides for a smoother, one-shot read. I do realize an ever-so-slight difference in meaning could result from such an alteration. So, if it's detrimental to intention, please disregard this suggestion. In any case, the poem delights. It's idyllic, with a badge :) of profundity. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) The leaf was once bright (now it's not), so this makes me think of autumn leading into winter. For some reason, when I read this, I picture a white leaf (a victim of pollution, perhaps?) and birch trees. But I do see the calm river at the one end and the more turbulent near-rapids at the other. I wonder if that once bright leaf could be changed to read a once bright leaf ... While "that" is certainly clear, the other way provides for a smoother, one-shot read. I do realize an ever-so-slight difference in meaning could result from such an alteration. So, if it's detrimental to intention, please disregard this suggestion. In any case, the poem delights. It's idyllic, with a badge :) of profundity. Tony I'm piggy-backing on tonyv's response. Not sure if 'bright leaf' is symbolic or stands for a person/item that is not recognizable to us via the poem's contents. Unless you are writing the poem strictly for yourself there should be a hint of who/what that image is to mean. To elucidate, to say "the bright leaf" either points to a previously mentioned 'leaf' or a person/object. Conversely, 'a bright leaf' is less demanding as to a need for somebody/thing declared previously. Such small details, unfortunately, can create some muddling in the very best poem. In effect, you may need to expand the poem sonly slightly, but, as tonyv points out, it is up to you to follow your intention. My take is that repeating "beyond" could be more effective if there were a comma after "stone" because the following "bone white" is, without a comma a naked inversion, but w/comma an abbreviation for "a stone (that is) bone white. These are the 'tricks' that poets do use to avoid the more prosey/plain Jane statement "the bone white stone". Another thing I miss in this, a wonderful mood setter, is a verb. The "floating" is a gerund acting as an adverb or as part of an adverbial phrase to that missing verb. Edited June 19, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 The leaf was once bright (now it's not), so this makes me think of autumn leading into winter. For some reason, when I read this, I picture a white leaf (a victim of pollution, perhaps?) and birch trees. But I do see the calm river at the one end and the more turbulent near-rapids at the other. I wonder if that once bright leaf could be changed to read a once bright leaf ... While "that" is certainly clear, the other way provides for a smoother, one-shot read. I do realize an ever-so-slight difference in meaning could result from such an alteration. So, if it's detrimental to intention, please disregard this suggestion. In any case, the poem delights. It's idyllic, with a badge :) of profundity. Tony Pleased you enjoyed Tony. Thank you for your thoughtful suggestion too. all the best badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 hi ww Thank you for taking so much time and offering such a detailed response. As always you give me much to think about. all the best badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 hi ww Thank you for taking so much time and offering such a detailed response. As always you give me much to think about. all the best badge If I have said anything about poetry that gives you much to think about, I find every second I spent on thinking of the right thing to say worth at least an ounce of gold, even if what I said is mostlu wrong. Thanks for reacting. That is more worth to me than the gold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 (edited) When e.e. cummings came up with this type of layout, the 'shape' was organic to the content. I like your attempt, but your poem's content seems a bit too large for it. It might be fruitful to take out all those extra (blank) vertical spaces to un-dilute the revision. Her is my take on what your poem's strong points are. By that, I mean the beautifull and numerous parallels (Lewis Turco would callm it syntactical prosody) beg to be underlined by the shape/spacing as should be the counterpoints. You do use commas. To be consistent, drop them or use all that apply. And while I do not miss capitalizing at least the starting letter, a period (or ellipses?) at the end cannot hurt. I think you have conceived one of those once-in-a-lifetime poems. But you are free to ignore this old geezer. beyond the river's prattle, the stone, bone white, beyond muddy love pools, that once bright leaf, floating, just beyond. Edited June 22, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 I never ignore an old geezer. appreciate you returning ww badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi badge, I like the revision which is more fluid and with the spaces between the lines, it breathes well. It has a feel of haiku or zen to be honest. Like the repetition of the word "beyond". I prefer "a once bright leaf" to "that once bright leaf", "a" gives a sense of anatta which is highly appreciated in haiku and zen poetry. Enjoyed much! Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 26, 2010 Author Share Posted June 26, 2010 Hi badge, I like the revision which is more fluid and with the spaces between the lines, it breathes well. It has a feel of haiku or zen to be honest. Like the repetition of the word "beyond". I prefer "a once bright leaf" to "that once bright leaf", "a" gives a sense of anatta which is highly appreciated in haiku and zen poetry. Enjoyed much! Lake Thank you for the thumbs up Lake and for introducing me to 'anatta'. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 beyond the river's prattleto stone, bone white. beyond muddy love pools, a once bright leaf, floating just beyond. Badge, your poems are always deeply metaphorical. With the word beyond, you are showing a lot. In S1 you have the conclusion of the poem. The end reinforces it. It's unusual, and that's what attracted me to the poem. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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