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badger11

Tarn (revised)

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badger11

I sit nearby

waiting for the moon,

and hear her splash

out there somewhere.

Does she swim to find

a lover? I whisper.

 

A car speeds by,

humming life,

mocking the moon

and timid knight,

for a moment

for two.

 

I dive,

the water is like a warm claw.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

original

 

I sit near

waiting for the moon.

I hear her splash

out there somewhere.

Does she swim to find

a lover? I whisper.

 

A car speeds by,

humming life,

mocking the moon

-less night,

for a moment

for two.

 

I dive,

the water is like a warm claw.

Edited by badger11

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Tinker

Yummm! This this is like diving into a pot of honey, thick, smooth and sweet. I savored each line flavored with alliteration.

 

I did have a small stumble at

 

mocking the moon

-less night,

 

The hyphen had me backing up and trying it again... maybe if it was after moon instead of before less....?????

 

I really enjoyed this piece.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv

I love how you set a timeless activity (night swimming) in a modern environment (car going by, its occupants unaware of what's taking place nearby in shallow and deep pools). Lovely, lyrical -- I have to agree with Tinker -- this one delights!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Lake

"Tarn" is such an adorable word. Like the contrast of quietness of night and the noise of speeding car.

I agree with Tinker's point on the use of hyphen.

Should there be an object after "near" in "I sit near"?

 

Enjoyed

 

Lake

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badger11
Yummm! This this is like diving into a pot of honey, thick, smooth and sweet. I savored each line flavored with alliteration.

 

I did have a small stumble at

 

mocking the moon

-less night,

 

The hyphen had me backing up and trying it again... maybe if it was after moon instead of before less....?????

 

I really enjoyed this piece.

 

~~Tink

 

Tink I see you have a taste for honey :rolleyes:

 

I think you and Lake are right about the hyphen. Will play with some alternatives.

 

cheers

 

badge

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badger11
I love how you set a timeless activity (night swimming) in a modern environment (car going by, its occupants unaware of what's taking place nearby in shallow and deep pools). Lovely, lyrical -- I have to agree with Tinker -- this one delights!

 

Tony

 

Thanks Tony. This came from our conversation over Creeley's poem!

 

badge

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badger11
"Tarn" is such an adorable word. Like the contrast of quietness of night and the noise of speeding car.

I agree with Tinker's point on the use of hyphen.

Should there be an object after "near" in "I sit near"?

 

Enjoyed

 

Lake

 

 

hi Lake

 

Geography does have some pleasing words with which to play. I agree there should be an object after 'near', but I wanted the reader's mind to fill the space. Naughty I know :rolleyes:

 

badge

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dr_con

Badger,

I must agree with all of the comments above this really is a special and lush treat- easy to immerse the minds 'i' into- very pleased with both versions all tho the edit does deepen the experience...

 

Many Thanks,

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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badger11
Badger,

I must agree with all of the comments above this really is a special and lush treat- easy to immerse the minds 'i' into- very pleased with both versions all tho the edit does deepen the experience...

 

Many Thanks,

 

DC&J

 

Appreciate the thumbs up on the edit Dr C.

 

cheers

 

badge

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tonyv

I love the revised version, Badge!

 

... mocking the moon

and timid knight,

for a moment

for two.

 

I dive,

the water is like a warm claw.

It's thrilling when a small change power-packs even more into an already compact poem. "Timid" and "knight" speak volumes. Killer modification!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks for taking another look Tony and the thumbs up. Appreciate that original prompt from Lake and Tink too!

 

badge :rolleyes:

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waxwings

Charming and dreamy. S2 is vastly better.

 

Bear with me being picky, bur I reserve that and the effort to study for whay I think is the better poem.

 

In S1, I would wish for a few more words. E.g., to"sit near" is unfulfilling for me, for , although I can conjure up some one/thing to "sit near by/to", the possibilities are too many to settle on, at least for me, and I had to give up. Similarly, I find "I whisper" emotionally insufficient, being orphaned.

There is nothing wrong in the two above cases as such were there tiny but solid hints in the rest of the poem. I do well realize that you, as any author, do know that which I, a mere reader, may not be able to decide how those juicy snippets belong.

 

S2 says at the outset (my paraphrase), "Humming life, a car speeds by mocking the moon and timid knight.", in which case separating the underlined by comma is OK--it is an introductory interjection, but, as written, it is merely adverbial and no comma (after "by" should separate it from the verb, esp. since there are other commas following to confuse.

 

I wonder if the last line should be "or two." I think I know why you have avoided that in favor a the more intriguing "for" two", but the scene I glean is you as a secret observer, not a joint venture for you and "she who splashes". Is "she" a mermaid?

Edited by waxwings

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badger11
Charming and dreamy. S2 is vastly better.

 

Bear with me being picky, bur I reserve that and the effort to study for whay I think is the better poem.

 

In S1, I would wish for a few more words. E.g., to"sit near" is unfulfilling for me, for , although I can conjure up some one/thing to "sit near by/to", the possibilities are too many to settle on, at least for me, and I had to give up. Similarly, I find "I whisper" emotionally insufficient, being orphaned.

There is nothing wrong in the two above cases as such were there tiny but solid hints in the rest of the poem. I do well realize that you, as any author, do know that which I, a mere reader, may not be able to decide how those juicy snippets belong.

 

S2 says at the outset (my paraphrase), "Humming life, a car speeds by mocking the moon and timid knight.", in which case separating the underlined by comma is OK--it is an introductory interjection, but, as written, it is merely adverbial and no comma (after "by" should separate it from the verb, esp. since there are other commas following to confuse.

 

I wonder if the last line should be "or two." I think I know why you have avoided that in favor a the more intriguing "for" two", but the scene I glean is you as a secret observer, not a joint venture for you and "she who splashes". Is "she" a mermaid?

 

I didn't intend to be the observer or present in anyway ww. This is a fiction.

 

As always many thanks for your illuminating comments. As usual they give me pause for thought.

 

badge

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goldenlangur

Hi badge,

 

I love the air of mystery and anticipation you create here.

 

I am not conversant in prosody and therefore my reading is mainly about the senses and what is being suggested rather than grasping meaning or the techniques of poetical devices. So I could be well off the mark in my observations:

 

In your original near is wonderfully ambiguous and goes well with the rest of the poem and particularly details like:

 

out there somewhere

 

A car speeds by

 

and :

 

I whisper

 

All these allow the reader to read what each takes from the poem. The aura of enigma, puzzle and intrigue remain in a most satisfying way.

 

In the rewrite, something of this is lost in the detail edge. Perhaps it is a more concrete detail but that element of suggesting and teasing is gone. Would nearby work?

 

I also love the word play on knight/night in the original.

 

One other detail is, I wondered if there's too many I s in the first stanza. If I may suggest?:

 

 

I sit nearby

waiting for the moon

and hear her splash

out there somewhere.

 

 

A car speeds by,

humming life,

 

humming life is an inspired detail and juxtaposes the dream-like bubble of the first stanza.

 

 

As ever, please do feel free to ignore or consider my suggestion.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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badger11

I have long appreciated your depth of understanding and appreciation of language gl. Probably our taste in writing is to suggest, to trust in the reader and the poem. It is a delicate balance.

 

'the dream-like bubble of the first stanza.'

 

To the heart of the poem my friend.

 

 

many thanks

 

badge

Edited by badger11

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

wow badge if this is fiction it was reality to me. my late teens and early twenties i thought exactly like your words. remarkable uncanny but true. my favorite of yours. i love it. i feel bad im just not healthy enough to comment about everyting that comes to mind. i do care.

 

victor

Edited by Larsen M. Callirhoe

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Aleksandra

Badge, this is lovely and striking poem. It has a sound, a beat. Very good balanced poem, a real lyrical gem. I am glad I read this.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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badger11
wow badge if this is fiction it was reality to me. my late teens and early twenties i thought exactly like your words. remarkable uncanny but true. my favorite of yours. i love it. i feel bad im just not healthy enough to comment about everyting that comes to mind. i do care.

 

victor

 

 

 

wow badge if this is fiction it was reality to me. my late teens and early twenties i thought exactly like your words. remarkable uncanny but true. my favorite of yours. i love it. i feel bad im just not healthy enough to comment about everyting that comes to mind. i do care.

 

victor

 

 

Thank you Victor. Pleased the write evoked past times for you.

 

badge :mellow:

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badger11
Badge, this is lovely and striking poem. It has a sound, a beat. Very good balanced poem, a real lyrical gem. I am glad I read this.

 

Aleksandra

 

Thanks Aleks. We'll have to do an audio session sometime so I can hear you read the poem!

 

badge :mellow:

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