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Lake

For My Mother

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Lake

This summer dusk

when we steal a moment of luxury

walking into a brush of sunset,

the girls going out to sleepover,

sprinklers taking care of my newly seeded lawn,

I feel we are, as Confucious says, old friends,

who have come to meet from afar.

Edited by Lake

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

This has a delicacy of detail and tone that makes it deeply moving.

 

 

It is only after the worldly and daily duties/links have been looked after, that the poet can withdraw to a more private moment of getting in touch with a dear one, who is no longer a part of the daily routine and rhythm of life.

 

sunset and the Confucian allusion evoke a sense of marking a special moment of veneration.

 

 

These details are superb:

 

This summer dust, brush of sunset

 

Your poem is like a classical Chinese brush stroke painting, which suggests the essence without delineating it. Just a few delicate words give the reader much to reflect on.

 

Truly beautiful!


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Tinker

Hi Lake, I was very touched by your words. I have felt the same way. In quiet moments of contentment I too connect with my mother, the one person who would most understand and share the quiet with me. My mother has long passed and still she is present. The love returns from however far away she may be like old friends between whom no words are needed.

 

Your imagery set a scene in delicate watercolor, soft and blended. The sprinklers on the lawn made the poem come alive. The girls at sleepover connected the whole image to family. This was simply beautiful.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv

I love it, Lake, and I agree with everyone's astute observations. I, myself, get a summery late Saturday afternoon and evening feeling when I read this. Of course, it's lovely how you've introduced the human equation by composing it for your mother.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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waxwings
This summer dust

when we steal a moment of luxury

walking into a brush of sunset,

the girls going out to sleepover,

sprinklers taking care of my newly seeded lawn,

I feel we are, as Confucious says, old friends,

who have come to meet from afar.

 

I cannot but agree with what gl, tink and tony have to say, but, not being steeped in Confucianism beyond the generalization of adhering to self-control and social/ political hierarchy/order, I must ask if we should interpret the thrust of any poem in a direction the author may not have intended.

 

This is, at its core, a simple, warm & wonderful poem, even though, as not totally unexpected, I find some fine quibbles re use of other than conventional English.

 

I like gl's isolation of "the summer dust, (a) brush of sunset" as the high points and add to that "stealing a moment of luxury". The poem is excellent in that the dreamy outset part is, as tinker notes, underlined with something like that Proustian moment via the feel of the sleepover, the sprinkling of lawns and the "coming to meet like old friends".

 

I will never question Lakes poetic acumen, but am concerned with the use of English and how it impinges on the more likely audience, esp. its more discerning part.

 

The bit "This summer dust" may leave wonder if there are other 'summer dusts' or 'dusts" in general of which this a specific, previously known one. That is what "this' tends to imply. Could be there be word(s) that would fit the feeling better? Similarly, is "when" the most apt. It makes "summer dust" a 'span of time' (great notion), but it also is a condition-thing. Then there is "going out to a sleepover" where the "out" seems detrimental. The , since "going out" has a special connotation, a pointing to other activities than a sleepover. And it is conventional to say "come from afar" not to say "to meet from afar". The difference may be significant, but I'd like to hear others weigh in.

 

I pray to be forgiven for seeing the order and use of words in a personal, perhaps ideosyncratic way. No need for you, Lake to pay it much attention, but while everybody it seems tends to give the poem a slant, I worry about some words and phrasing to be possibly being non-conforming with everyday speech.

 

Whatever my thoughts, I read the poem over and over again before commenting. Thanks, Lake

Edited by waxwings

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Tinker

Reading Waxwings comments, I had an entirely different reaction to the syntax or use of English. Once pointed out, I think I get what Wax wings is saying but I thought it was part of the poet's job to help the reader see things through the poet's eyes from a different view. And Lake did that with perfection in this poem.

 

"This summer dust, " I read literally as "this early evening" when the summer season is upon us and the air is still and warm and the setting of the sun creates a kind of dusty almost grainy look to everything. Now if the words "this evening" were used I don't think WW would have brought up the out of the ordinary use of English but "this evening" wouldn't have said it all unless Lake had expanded and said all of the rest of the stuff which was just about as long as the whole poem. But by simply saying "this summer dust" the entire image was there for me, compressed and vivid and that is poetry. Maybe the quibble is over the word dust rather than dusk, a thing instead of a time, (and maybe I don't get what WW is aying at all) but out of the ordinary use of words provides a bit of a surprise and the dust gave it the grainy vision that dusk may not have.

 

Whatever, I may be getting in over my head here and should shut up. I loved the poem and the more I read it the more I love it.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Lake

Thank you Golden, Tony, Tinker and WW for your read and comment.

First off, I have to say I'm so embarrassed to admit that I had a terrible typo. It's Tinker who spotted that otherwise it would probably still stay there. Now I've changed "dust" to "dusk". It might be I was thinking about "Dust Bowl" in my reply to Tony's poem while posting this one. But your responses have shown the uniqueness of this site - every reader is so perceptive, and tries to understand before making a comment.

 

It is only after the worldly and daily duties/links have been looked after, that the poet can withdraw to a more private moment of getting in touch with a dear one, who is no longer a part of the daily routine and rhythm of life

 

You're spot on, golden. That moment is so precious. My mom came to visit me for a shot time and now she is back to her home, then she is no long a part of the daily routine. The poem is about when she's here but written after she's gone. I wrote it to relieve some pain of missing her, but it turned out to be a happy one, to my surprise.

 

sunset and the Confucian allusion evoke a sense of marking a special moment of veneration.

 

 

These details are superb:

 

This summer dust, brush of sunset

 

 

Hope you read it as "dusk" not "dust", :icon_redface: my fault. I mentioned Confucious just because his words are so apt for my feeling at that time.

 

Thank you for your reading and comment. Much appreciated.

 

Lake

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Lake
Hi Lake, I was very touched by your words. I have felt the same way. In quiet moments of contentment I too connect with my mother, the one person who would most understand and share the quiet with me. My mother has long passed and still she is present. The love returns from however far away she may be like old friends between whom no words are needed.

 

Your imagery set a scene in delicate watercolor, soft and blended. The sprinklers on the lawn made the poem come alive. The girls at sleepover connected the whole image to family. This was simply beautiful.

 

~~Tink

 

Hi Tink,

 

I think your words are even more touching than my poem. You summed up the poem - the relationship, the liveliness, the family - very well.

 

Many thanks.

 

Lake

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Lake
I love it, Lake, and I agree with everyone's astute observations. I, myself, get a summery late Saturday afternoon and evening feeling when I read this. Of course, it's lovely how you've introduced the human equation by composing it for your mother.

 

Tony

 

Tony,

 

Of course you didn't get fooled by the typo. :)) Yes, yes, a summery evening setting imbued with human action and thought.

 

Thank you very much!

 

Lake

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waxwings
Reading Waxwings comments, I had an entirely different reaction to the syntax or use of English. Once pointed out, I think I get what Wax wings is saying but I thought it was part of the poet's job to help the reader see things through the poet's eyes from a different view. And Lake did that with perfection in this poem.

 

"This summer dust, " I read literally as "this early evening" when the summer season is upon us and the air is still and warm and the setting of the sun creates a kind of dusty almost grainy look to everything. Now if the words "this evening" were used I don't think WW would have brought up the out of the ordinary use of English but "this evening" wouldn't have said it all unless Lake had expanded and said all of the rest of the stuff which was just about as long as the whole poem. But by simply saying "this summer dust" the entire image was there for me, compressed and vivid and that is poetry. Maybe the quibble is over the word dust rather than dusk, a thing instead of a time, (and maybe I don't get what WW is aying at all) but out of the ordinary use of words provides a bit of a surprise and the dust gave it the grainy vision that dusk may not have.

 

Whatever, I may be getting in over my head here and should shut up. I loved the poem and the more I read it the more I love it.

 

~~Tink

 

No way are you over your head, tink. What I am trying to do is to alert everyone how important it is to strive for the most stylish use of the language that the poem happens to be written in. Just this morning I heard a discussion on the radio how les then polished syntax, punctuation and use of words can detract from the public respect for those who advertise or put a 'product' (aren't poems of a kind) into the public eye. The author interviewed during the talk heads a group of people who combat careless use of language by which, they say "the authors of what is written detract from their image as knowledgable and educated people.

 

Myself and others here who are not native English speakers do (hopefully true in my case) bring some fantastically healthy slants such that native English speakers may not do by virtue of having the, say, full American culture/tradition/history/mores etc. in their makeup, but not necessarily that of other cultures and are likely to enjoy glimpses of other cultures etc.

 

I am hoping my 'rants' will make others stop and proofread or have others close to them do it in an attempt to keep the language of their poetry within the simpler, more day to day forms/modes of speech.

 

What we try to do is to inject all kinds of figures of speech to color what might as well be nothing but prose. That can be done without strange to English ways of phrasing. Beyond talent, poets must work a bit and sweat a lot over what they are desirous to communicate to others. I love rereading the 'better' poem but not to no more untangle the syntax and verbiage to be assured I follow the author rather than be merely content to create some fiction of my own rather than emotional experience a poem aches to share and have responded to.

 

Unfortunately the finer points of what anf why inept phrasing may do to the other's enjoyment of a poem is complex indeed, and I am given to get, at times, nebulous by not sying enough, too much or imperfectly. All here are free to challange what I offer foir that is the only reson sites like this exist. This is, so far, the best site I have had the fortune to come across, and I hope it not only stays that way but improves as well with time.

 

I have wondered if Lake meant dusk rather than dust, for that is the time, as you put it, when, in summer, dust (real or apparent) seems to hank in the air against the backdrop. To me, the "brush sunset" echoes the reverent awe of Moses before the burning bush. What adds to the charm of the poem is that there is also the notion of a brush (a brief encounter/moment) with the sunset. There are wonderful layers to the larger image that makes me reject tie-ins w/Confucianism.

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Lake

Hi Waxwings,

 

I have expected your detailed comment. Or, it is going to be unlike you if you withhold your opinion.

So thanks as always for your time and thought on this poem.

 

I cannot but agree with what gl, tink and tony have to say, but, not being steeped in Confucianism beyond the generalization of adhering to self-control and social/ political hierarchy/order, I must ask if we should interpret the thrust of any poem in a direction the author may not have intended.

 

I have explained in my reply to golden my reason to reference the sage. I'll have another think if it can be omitted without losing anything. As for the direction, I think different people resonate differently in reading a poem. And the author has no control over it. Even some poetry critics might read a poem differently than what the writer intended. When I read golden's poems, for example, I find there are a lot of things I can relate to even though I know they may not be what golden has in mind, but, you know... The meaning of Confucious' words is implied - "how happy we are".

 

This is, at its core, a simple, warm & wonderful poem, even though, as not totally unexpected, I find some fine quibbles re use of other than conventional English.

 

You are always welcome to inject standard English into my writing and correct any mistakes when you spot them.

 

The bit "This summer dust" may leave wonder if there are other 'summer dusts' or 'dusts" in general of which this a specific, previously known one. That is what "this' tends to imply. Could be there be word(s) that would fit the feeling better? Similarly, is "when" the most apt. It makes "summer dust" a 'span of time' (great notion), but it also is a condition-thing. Then there is "going out to a sleepover" where the "out" seems detrimental. The , since "going out" has a special connotation, a pointing to other activities than a sleepover. And it is conventional to say "come from afar" not to say "to meet from afar". The difference may be significant, but I'd like to hear others weigh in.

 

Yes, this summer dusk (not dust) is very special compared with other dusks when I used "when" clause (forgive my poor grammar that I learned long time ago). If "going out" has another connotation, whould "going to sleepover" be good enough? No, we don't say "to meet from afar" (and we can't, with the exception of the web camera), it is said "come (to meet) from afar".

 

 

Thanks ww (why your shortened name makes me think of WWI or WWII) for keeping me aware of conventional English usuage all the time. Please don't refrain your thoughts when you spot anything unatural in my writing.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

Edited by Lake

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waxwings
Hi Waxwings,

 

I have expected your detailed comment. Or, it is going to be unlike you if you withhold your opinion.

So thanks as always for your time and thought on this poem.

 

I cannot but agree with what gl, tink and tony have to say, but, not being steeped in Confucianism beyond the generalization of adhering to self-control and social/ political hierarchy/order, I must ask if we should interpret the thrust of any poem in a direction the author may not have intended.

 

I have explained in my reply to golden my reason to reference the sage. I'll have another think if it can be omitted without losing anything. As for the direction, I think different people resonate differently in reading a poem. And the author has no control over it. Even some poetry critics might read a poem differently than what the writer intended. When I read golden's poems, for example, I find there are a lot of things I can relate to even though I know they may not be what golden has in mind, but, you know... The meaning of Confucious' words is implied - "how happy we are".

 

This is, at its core, a simple, warm & wonderful poem, even though, as not totally unexpected, I find some fine quibbles re use of other than conventional English.

 

You are always welcome to inject standard English into my writing and correct any mistakes when you spot them.

 

The bit "This summer dust" may leave wonder if there are other 'summer dusts' or 'dusts" in general of which this a specific, previously known one. That is what "this' tends to imply. Could be there be word(s) that would fit the feeling better? Similarly, is "when" the most apt. It makes "summer dust" a 'span of time' (great notion), but it also is a condition-thing. Then there is "going out to a sleepover" where the "out" seems detrimental. Then , since "going out" has a special connotation, a pointing to other activities than a sleepover. And it is conventional to say "come from afar" not to say "to meet from afar". The difference may be significant, but I'd like to hear others weigh in.

 

Yes, this summer dusk (not dust) is very special compared with other dusks when I used "when" clause (forgive my poor grammar that I learned long time ago). If "going out" has another connotation, whould "going to sleepover" be good enough? No, we don't say "to meet from afar" (and we can't, with the exception of the web camera), it is said "come (to meet) from afar".

 

 

 

 

Thanks ww (why your shortened name makes me think of WWI or WWII) for keeping me aware of conventional English usuage all the time. Please don't refrain your thoughts when you spot anything unatural in my writing.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

 

Seems to me we were writing our posts at the same time because I saw yours come up just after I had sent mine. In mine, I did acknowledge you were more likely to mean dusk, and dust was merely a typo, but then tinker's thoughts made me think dust w

could be what you meant. The best form is "going to a sleepover".

 

It is not your use /mention of Kung Fu Tse but the thinking by others that it is that mention and not your own talent that makes the poem valuable.

 

Do not change anything if it affects the feel you meant to share. I merely hope my comments expand your mastery of English. Many people, my superiors at all the places I have worked and in military service corrected me likewise, even while using my literary skills to re-write and edit their communications when it was ctucial to have them sound as refined as is possible. And while I do this I worry about being intrusive which is not how I care to have others see me.

 

Of course, wings made of wax wwere the cause of drowning of my Greek namesake Icarus (Latin spelling). :icon_cool:

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

 

I was rather struck by your thoughts here:

 

 

I have explained in my reply to golden my reason to reference the sage. I'll have another think if it can be omitted without losing anything. As for the direction, I think different people resonate differently in reading a poem. And the author has no control over it. Even some poetry critics might read a poem differently than what the writer intended. When I read golden's poems, for example, I find there are a lot of things I can relate to even though I know they may not be what golden has in mind, but, you know... The meaning of Confucious' words is implied - "how happy we are".

Lake

 

 

This goes to the very heart of writing. A poem or prose piece resonates differently for each reader. At the very best of instances, this can be hugely rewarding for the poet/writer. However, sometimes, the writer as in this instance of the allusion to Confucious, has an instinctive sense of what she/he intends to convey and how appropriate the reference is. In such a case, it is worth-while going with what what you really want to say rather than deleting a detail which has some deep resonance for you but might not resonate for someone outside that cultural context.

 

I sometimes wonder if there's some kind of misconception that allusions to traditions and practices outside the more dominant western discourse, are out-dated and irrelevant.

 

I agree that language and expression can always be edited and bettered but sometimes it takes courage to stand by what you believe in. If we lose sight of our roots and where we come from, our writing will over time suffers. If we cannot speak of what is closest to our experiences and thinking, we lose something of ourselves, both as individuals and writers.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Tinker

Hi Lake, GL makes a good point about cultural allusion and I agree that one should not delete something that is meaningful to you but maybe not understood by another.

 

But I don't think that is the case here, in many Western cultures including the USA, " Confusious says" is a common phrase. I have never been to Asia and my ancestry is anglo American but i have often heard a wise proverb prefaced by "Confusious says"..... one doesn't have to be well versed in Eastern religions to have heard the phrase... or to know what follows will be wise or clever.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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dr_con

Intimate, well composed, and very 'real.'Another wonder to behold Lake-makes me crave this moment as it is served cut as close to real as possible- I'm sorry I missed 'summer dust,' which would have made me sigh with delight ;-)

 

Many Thanks!

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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waxwings

Unless I am much mistaken, you have replaced the word "dust" in the original, viz. replying earliest posts, with "dusk", I still feel, other quibbles notwithstanding, that the "when", stayrting L2 is not only superfluous syntactically, but reduces the strength of that line and, hence, that of the poem.

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douglas

a lovely, sensitive poem that speaks quietly of the journey love, forgiveness, understanding and tenderness that dances between a mother and child. beautiful and refreshing!


To receive love, you have to give it...

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Lake

Hi golden, Tinker,

 

I'll take your words, keep the Confucious part. Thank you for your well thought opinions.

 

Lake

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Lake

Hi Dr and douglas,

 

I'm glad this is well received by both of you.

 

Dr. that "dust" is a typo, I had it corrected. :icon_redface:

 

Many thanks.

 

Lake

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Lake

Hi waxwings,

 

Thank you for coming back. I did correct the typo though I really enjoy reading Tinker's take on "dust". :icon_sunny:

I'll take your suggestion "going to a sleepover" in place of of "going out". For L2, starting with "when", right now I can't think it clearly, so I'll let it stay there for now.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

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Aleksandra

Simply wonderful. Lake, I am more and more excited by these poems that I read from you.

The poem reads well and brings some kind of peace.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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