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douglas

sailor

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douglas

i don't think you even know that i've fallen in love with you

you're too busy dealing with what you have to deal with

and so you've left me on the shore

like some washed up sailor

without provisions or bearings

 

i knew that sailing with you would be dangerous

but i never imagined how tragic the sinking would be

how vast the ocean

how barren

and overwhelming

 

but

i've always been a good swimmer

 

and like any good swimmer

i swam

feeling the pull of my muscles as i did so

feeling the effort

the lactic acid of your unexpressed words and emotions

 

to be fair

your ship was fated before i stepped onto it

and yet

you only revealed the flaws of your vessel's infrastructure

once i had boarded

and the ship had set sail

 

and so i hope you can forgive my panic as i blame

you for the salt water that's drowning me

as we go down

 

you presented yourself well

a capable captain in charge of his ship

with a well-steered course and a handsome smile

 

how was i to know that you were a reckless pirate

taking me into unchartered waters

waters full of big carnivorous fish

maliciously complicating everything

 

a deck beneath one's feet is so much more reassuring

than a limitless scarlet depth

and i've never enjoyed being suspended dangerously

 

and so sweet sailor

you leave me no choice but to abandon ship

as uncomfortable and frightening as it is to do

 

i may have to suck the water into

my lungs

feel the deep claustrophobia

that may kill me and all that i love

 

but a noble death at sea

is better than a long and compromising life on a stranded beach

Edited by douglas

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goldenlangur

Hi douglas,

 

The metaphor of the ship and the treacherous journey, that the captain takes the narrator through works well here.

 

 

Quite a strong ending:

 

a noble death at sea

is better than a long and compromising life on a stranded beach

 

 

I wondered if you need the final line:

 

I guess ...

 

 

The pain and sense of betrayal come across palpably.

 

 

Good to read you again.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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tonyv

Douglas,

 

This one is reminiscent of and comes across with the wistfulness of Hart Crane; it's like a contemporary blend of "Voyages" and "Cutty Sark." I find this part to be especially striking:

 

but

i've always been a good swimmer

 

and like any good swimmer

i swam

feeling the pull of my muscles as i did so

feeling the effort

the lactic acid of your unexpressed words and emotions

"The lactic acid of your unexpressed words and emotions" is novel.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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douglas

thank you golden and tony for your words and thoughts.

 

golden, i agree, i removed the last line as you suggested.

 

thanks tony for your references. i've not read the poems you mentioned, but will check them out.

 

keep well.

 

doug


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tonyv
thanks tony for your references. i've not read the poems you mentioned, but will check them out.

Perhaps you won't agree, but I see a likeness ... in spirit at the very least.

 

Best,

 

Tony :)


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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dr_con

Douglas,

 

An epic saga of love- personal and universal- a thoroughly enjoyable glimpse into a personal myth.

 

Well done!

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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douglas
Douglas,

 

An epic saga of love- personal and universal- a thoroughly enjoyable glimpse into a personal myth.

 

Well done!

 

DC&J

 

thanks so much for your lovely feedback! much appreciated!


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Lake

Very emotional, with a strong ending.

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douglas

thanks lake.


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Aleksandra

This is very good poem, Doug. A strong confrontation in love. It's amazing how you expressed the feelings, so nicely. But being a good swimmer and to take the challenge to do swim to the end, it seems so hard... I don't know but I sound too negative tonight :) . I don't know if I should go on, and make some more comments, because I don't want to sound as I feel that I sound. :)

 

I enjoyed this poem, a lot.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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douglas

hello my darling alex! thanks so much for your thoughts and comments! as always they are so appreciated - and never censor yourself! express what you feel!!! keep happy! and well!

 

your friend!


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