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Lake

Yin and Yang (CA)

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Lake

Yin and Yang

 

Revision

 

When I was little, Dad explained,

with a smile of pride, the meaning

of my name: the first character,

firm on the ground; the next two,

dazzling vermilion. Thus, a land

under the reflection of a red sun.

 

When I grew up, I learned

how he, with a deep-rooted

southern accent, pronounced land

as green, that sets off the rebirth

of flowers in a bird chirping spring

along a thousand miles of riverbanks.

 

Now, I place red and green side

by side, like two fish, black and white,

swimming head to tail in a globe,

where I see moonrise and sunset,

west wind chasing east rain,

and rivers embracing mountains.

 

 

Original

When I was little, Dad

explained to me

the meaning of my name:

the first character, firm on the ground;

the next two, dazzling vermilion.

Thus, a land under

the reflection of a red sun.

 

When I grew up,

I learned Dad, with

a deep-rooted southern accent,

pronounced land as green

that set off the rebirth of flowers

in a bird chirping spring

along a thousand miles of

river banks.

 

Now, I place red and green

side by side, like two fishes,

black and white, swimming

in a globe where I see

moonrise and sunset,

west wind chase east rain

and rivers embrace mountains.

 

 

(Thanks Elphin for his eidit on the line breaks.)

Edited by Lake

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tonyv

This is quite lovely, Lake. I'll give some thoughts.

 

The first verse is clear. I'm no expert in punctuation, but I like the way you've used the colon and the semicolon. As far as I'm concerned, if punctuation is "correct" in prose it will work in poetry also, and I think you've used it correctly in the first verse.

 

The second verse is a bit unclear. I'll add some suggestions, though I'm not sure if I got your intent right.

 

When I grew up,

I learned how Dad, with

a deep-rooted southern accent,

pronounced land as green,

a green that can set off the rebirth of flowers

in spring, when the birds are chirping (Not sure about the comma. "While" or "as" would work, too, in place of "when")

along a thousand miles of

river banks.

The sentence is a bit long; perhaps it could be restructured a bit, but even as it is, I don't think it could be labeled "run-on."

 

The third verse is more clear, but I can see several ways that it could be modified. I'll present one.

 

Now, I place red and green

side by side, like two fishes,

black and white, into

a globe. I see

a moonrise, a sunset,

a west wind chasing the east rain,

and rivers embracing mountains.

Before the words "I see" you can add "in it" followed by a comma for extreme clarity, but I don't think it's necessary. I hope these ideas are useful.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

I find your poetry very engaging Lake, thoughtful, but not abstruse. I also enjoyed the warmth in your poem and I like the sense of unity at the end.

 

badge

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Lake

Thank you, Tony for your thoughts. You know that is what I need.

 

This is quite lovely, Lake. I'll give some thoughts.

 

The first verse is clear. I'm no expert in punctuation, but I like the way you've used the colon and the semicolon. As far as I'm concerned, if punctuation is "correct" in prose it will work in poetry also, and I think you've used it correctly in the first verse.

 

Feel better now the punctuation works for you.

 

The second verse is a bit unclear. I'll add some suggestions, though I'm not sure if I got your intent right.

 

When I grew up,

I learned how Dad, with

a deep-rooted southern accent,

pronounced land as green,

a green that can set off the rebirth of flowers

in spring, when the birds are chirping (Not sure about the comma. "While" or "as" would work, too, in place of "when")

along a thousand miles of

river banks.

The sentence is a bit long; perhaps it could be restructured a bit, but even as it is, I don't think it could be labeled "run-on."

 

I like how you insert "how" in the line. For the second suggestion, I think I tried to shorten the sentence by using the phrase. If it sounds unclear, I'll have another think.

 

The third verse is more clear, but I can see several ways that it could be modified. I'll present one.

 

 

Now, I place red and green

side by side, like two fishes,

black and white, into

a globe. I see

a moonrise, a sunset,

a west wind chasing the east rain,

and rivers embracing mountains.

Before the words "I see" you can add "in it" followed by a comma for extreme clarity, but I don't think it's necessary. I hope these ideas are useful.

 

 

Again, "into" sounds much clearer, I think. I did use -ing in "chase" and "embrace" in my first draft. If -ing sits more comfortably, I'll put it back. Re articles, I had that in my mind, too. The reason I didn't use it is that it seems there are too many a's out there. Not sure it can get by without it. But then, your edit suggests it is a problem.

 

I'll put my thinking cap on and work out a revision later.

 

Thank you, Tony for your time and help. Much appreciated.

 

Lake

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Lake

Hi Badger,

 

Thank you for your kind words. Honestly, I was about to remove it for I felt it sounds quite prosy. Your words are very encouraging, but how I wish I'd be able to write something as exquisite and mystic as yours.

 

Many thanks.

 

Lake

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badger11
Honestly, I was about to remove it for I felt it sounds quite prosy.

 

hi Lake

 

I wondered which published poet/poets are your models?

 

A great deal of poetry is written in prose mode rather than verse mode. The concern over 'prosy' is therefore irrelevant.

 

badge

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rumisong
Honestly, I was about to remove it for I felt it sounds quite prosy...

 

Oh Lord, Im SO glad you didnt-

 

this thing is SO Very RICH- for myself, I just needed/still need to let it sit for a few days before I can say anything about it- but perhaps I should have posted SOMETHING sooner, to say at least that- as for me- its a wondrous work... Im so glad its still here to be looked into...

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Tinker

YUM!

 

Lake, This was written from the soul, in my opinion it is best left that way. That is unusual for me to say, I am all about form and technique and honing the craft as you know. When I read this poem it clearly shows you have done your homework and now simply let the words fall where they should to hand us a beautiful piece of you. Thanks.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Lake
I wondered which published poet/poets are your models?

 

A great deal of poetry is written in prose mode rather than verse mode. The concern over 'prosy' is therefore irrelevant.

 

Good question, Badger. There are quite a number of poets I like, but recently I've been reading American Life in Poetry compiled by TED KOOSER.

 

By the title you can tell all the poems come from the ordinary life.

 

 

I enjoy reading metered and rhymed poems, but hate counting the stressed, unstressed, beats and syllables, especially when my count differs from what is supposed to be counted. :icon_redface: I can feel the rhythm, but I will surely fail the test if the meter is not standardized.

 

 

Thank you,

 

Lake

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Lake

Hi rumisong,

 

Glad you think it is rich and enjoyed it.

 

Thank you,

 

Lake

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Lake

Thank you, Tinker. :) I did my homework and would like to it honed.

 

Many thanks,

 

Lake

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Aleksandra

Lake, this was very charming piece. I loved the way you expressed Yin and Yang concept: black and white; moonrise and sunset.

When I saw for the first time the title of your poem, made me thing of Yin / Yang condition of the heart, that I was reading a lot in the past because of my father, and I was getting conclusions in which condition is his heart... But ok then I found this poem as a really wonderful art.

 

I've found this article in Wikipedia and I would like to share here:

 

Many places in China, such as Luoyang, contain the word "Yang", and a few, such as Huayin, the word "yin". This is a very old way to assign place names. "Yang" means that a place is on the south slope of a mountain or on the north bank of a river - for example, Luoyang is on the north bank of the Luo River. "Yin" means that a place is on the north slope of a mountain or on the south bank of a river - for example, Huayin is on the north slope of Mount Hua.

 

This poem of yours is very well crafted and it's very inspiring. The vivid imagery works as well, and brings to this poem a wonderful tone and deepness.

 

Thank you for sharing, I loved your work.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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rumisong
I've found this article in Wikipedia and I would like to share here:

 

Many places in China, such as Luoyang, contain the word "Yang", and a few, such as Huayin, the word "yin". This is a very old way to assign place names. "Yang" means that a place is on the south slope of a mountain or on the north bank of a river - for example, Luoyang is on the north bank of the Luo River. "Yin" means that a place is on the north slope of a mountain or on the south bank of a river - for example, Huayin is on the north slope of Mount Hua.

 

...

 

Aleksandra

 

WOW, thanks for the research Aleksandra- I LOVE knowing this!

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Lake

Thank you Alek and rumisong for your interest in Yin and Yang. Appreciated.

 

Had a revision that takes in some suggestions from Tony. Thanks again.

 

Lake

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dr_con

Lake,

 

I just got to reading this- So I read the revision first and it is good, and even great! Very engaging, very precise and just a wonder- The commentary on language and naming is superb and the images clear to the point of almost leaping off the page- Just a great piece....

 

Many thanks Lake for this...

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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waxwings

Content is very important. The essential/real poem lets the cause and inspiration for the poem shine through by means of rhytmicality/music that makes a poem a pleasure to read out loud.

 

However, it is my unsolicited opinion, that a poem is best when the line breaks and the syntagmatics of the content do not overly fight each other. Because of that, the original is musically and emotionally much, much better than the revision.

 

BTW, who is Elphin, and which line breaks: those in the original or those in the revision, were altered to those shown?

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Lake

Thanks waxwings for your unsolicited opinion.

 

I'm not quite sure what you said "...the line breaks and the syntacmatics of the content do not overly fight each other." Where do you think they overly fight each other in the poem?

 

Elphin is a friend of mine, who worked on the lines breaks in the revision. Personally, I think it is better structured, and looks more pleasant than my original. But I'm pleased you think the original is better.

 

Best,

 

Lake

 

PS: Tony, when I reply I can not view the previous posts. Is there any way to show the previous posts? Thanks.

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Lake

Hi Dr_con,

 

Thank you for your compliment. Very much appreciated.

 

Lake

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tonyv
Tony, when I reply I can not view the previous posts. Is there any way to show the previous posts? Thanks.

Lake, if you use the "fast reply" feature, you should be able to type in the editor and also scroll up to view the previous comments. The only thing is, the fast reply feature does not have a preview function. But even so, you can use it just the same; when you're ready to proofread your comment, you can simply click "more options" and the standard editor will open. Only thing is, then the other comments will no longer be visible. I do it this way this sometimes, but if I'm making a longer reply with multiple embedded quotes, I'll just open the reply editor in a new tab and toggle back and forth between tabs when I'm responding to a post or topic.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Lake

Thanks Tony. I see, we can only view all the comments through "fast reply" feature.

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waxwings
Thanks waxwings for your unsolicited opinion.

 

I'm not quite sure what you said "...the line breaks and the syntacmatics of the content do not overly fight each other." Where do you think they overly fight each other in the poem?

 

To see what I mean, you must note the words in red font. What I meant (as held by many poets and other experts in communications) is that syntagmas (self-consistent sentence fragments whose meaning is clear beyond other such fragments in the sentence) do not necessarily coincide with the content of a poem's line. That creates a tension that is part of poetry's charm. (I am trying to simplify the idea!)

 

In terms of that idea, IMHO, you are doing great in the original but not in the revision. Some of that idea is grounded in that poetry is a performing, not a representative art) and that the only time a poem projects its full power is when it is read out loud.

 

It is often the case that a poem, when read, does not feel the same as it looks on the page. That is the case with the revision. In a revision, one should try to apply what others suggest, not let them do the entire revision.

 

The poet's main concern then is to put words on the page in such a manner such that everyone reading it would sound the same as when the poet or anyone else would read it.

 

Elphin is a friend of mine, who worked on the lines breaks in the revision. Personally, I think it is better structured, and looks more pleasant than my original. But I'm pleased you think the original is better.

 

Best,

 

Lake

 

PS: Tony, when I reply I can not view the previous posts. Is there any way to show the previous posts? Thanks.

Edited by waxwings

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goldenlangur

A good revision, Lake which makes your poem tighter and the imagery sharper.

 

The motif, the cadence and your use of images and language make this beautifully moving.

 

Your writing gets better and better.

 

A great pleasure to read this.

 

 

Thank you.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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