silent Stream

[dr_con]

silent stream

 

We all prefer certain stories

the ones without knowledge

of where the bones are buried

beneath this floor

 

In urban environments it is easy

to forget great streams once flowed

here under the scavenged sand concrete

the humble iron and steel dug from distant hills

 

Until the moment pavement is pierced

by some byproduct of mechanization

our souls industrialized economized

and downsized by drill bit & engine

 

Made to fit on a surface forgetting the silence below

teeming with life that fed the people who heard ancestors

and their brothers and sisters who howled and cried growing

quieter and quieter as the rumbling comforts of twilight descend.

Edited October 21, 2010 by dr_con

[tonyv]

I'm picturing Eliot's "Unreal City," Juris, dimly lit with steam rising from manhole covers. The poem also gives me feelings like the ones I get when I read James Wright's "Twilights," replete with thoughts of days gone by, of a different era.

Tony

[Aleksandra]

DC, this is a wonderfully expressed thought:

 

We all prefer certain stories

the ones without knowledge

of where the bones are buried

beneath this floor

 

What makes me excited is the last stanza - the longest in this poem - but for the first time, after long ending lines I want to read even more. Usually I prefer the end to be shorter, but in your poem it's best the way it is.

 

I enjoyed S4 very much, and it's visually pleasing:

 

Made to fit on a surface forgetting the silence below

teeming with life that fed the people who heard ancestors

and their brothers and sisters who howled and cried growing

quieter and quieter as the rumbling comforts of twilight descend.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

Aleksandra

[goldenlangur]

Hi DC,

 

My apologies if I am completely off the mark here. But your poem evokes for me something of the Chilean miners' predicament. They have been so much on the news and the images of

 

... souls industrialized economized

and downsized by drill bit & engine ...

 

and also:

 

... the silence below

teeming with life that fed the people who heard ancestors

 

conjure for me the enforced incarceration of the Chilean miners in darkness and inferno-like heat. The sacred earth from whose bowels they extract minerals is easily forgotten until something dramatic and tragic like the collapse of the mine shaft happens.

 

 

On yet another level, I read as it as musings on the layers on which a city is built and lives - not just an archaeology of the physical layout and artefacts but also of what the dreams, hopes and lives of those who lived before, might have been.

 

Gives the reader much to mull over and immerse oneself in.

[douglas]

what a great philosophical/historical exploration! i love the way you lead the reader into the past and conjure up ancient images and thoughts of what has passed, been covered over and destroyed by the sands of circumstance and time.

[Lake]

Hi Dr_con,

 

It seems you have two titles here, one is Silent Stream, another is Silent Steam?

 

The poem makes me think people select what they'd love to hear, neglecting where they are originally from until something catastrophic happens.

It brings to people's awareness and responsibility to the environment they live in.

 

Thought provoking,

 

Lake

[dr_con]

Wow thanks everybody!

 

Thanks Lake for pointing out the discrepancy ;-) Tony I'm thoroughly flattered! GL the Chileans were all around us- so that's a very good reading of one of the inspirations... Aleks glad it worked for you... And Douglas I'm glad it moved you...

 

Much Appreciation all and I'm in the middle of a Huge project and will catch up with critiques when done- also expect an announcement in promotions;-)

 

DC&J

[waxwings]

I admire your philosophical approach to the underlying theme, and enjoyed the poem after re-reading it enough to overlook words and phrases that do not fit and thus create, in spots, an inconsistency from image to image.

 

Some of it is caused by an overdone control of line length seemingly aimed at reaching some curved profile of the right edge of the poem's body. Can you clarify and say I am seeing things which are not there?

 

In a few spots your expression seems too complex for what you are trying to say (my simplifications in red font):

 

1) L2, S1 - "the ones without knowledge" make me ask, can stories actually posess knowledge? Why not just "that do not show/supply"" instead of the underlined.

 

2) L1, S2 - "urban environments" seems over the top technobabble. What would be wrong with just "the city/ies""?

 

3) L3, S3 - "scavenged sand concrete" is murky and misleading. Concrete cannot be made w/o sand but that sand has to be clean not 'scavenged', or the concrete will break apart quite quickly. There has to be a better modifier for "sand".

 

4) L2, S3 - Why "byproduct" instead of just "product". What you are hinting at are not (though I share your disgust with certain uses) byproducts that just happen to come about while making the actual product, but things and materials that are made deliberately.

 

5) More generally, your sharp-idea poem would be even better if you were to use a modicum of punctuation, esp. in S4 and, perhaps, even S3.

 

Be sure my quibbles are there to offset all that praise preceding my post and I concur, so why repeat when one can say something equally useful.

Edited October 22, 2010 by waxwings

[dr_con]

Thanks Waxwing for taking the time to read and comment it is precise and well thought out- However, these comments would be better suited for the workshop page- although I enjoy your opinions, they are just that, opinions- disguised as authoritative commentary. If you were offering to publish my poems or represented a literary magazine I would, of course bow to your word choices, grammar decisions, or formalist wisdom but as it stands- a great deal of your comments are simply- "I would write it differently" which is fine, and I encourage you to do so- But I do challenge the authoritative tone and the idea that I should answer to "Some of it is caused by an overdone control of line length seemingly aimed at reaching some curved profile of the right edge of the poem's body. Can you clarify and say I am seeing things which are not there?"

 

Which is an assertion "caused by an overdone" not an argument, or actually a critique- You are of the opinion that something is overdone which leads to an assertion that it is not correct the correct way of doing things (by whose standards) which is then wrapped in in a false argument: Can you clarify and say I am seeing things which are not there? Implying I need to clarify something which you have an opinion about- If I fall for this trap- Then I will have legitimized your opinion- which would become a critique or argument rather than the assertion it always was...

 

Now I appreciate that English is your second language and having grown up around Latvian school teachers, I do know how much Latvians value precision and correctness in language and in life- But when one makes the logical errors of confusing opinions with facts- either deliberately or unintentionally- I must object, this leads d the dumbing down of the discussion and eventually population- We can see it now on a large scale here in the US- The rise of the Tea Party comes to mind. Propaganda is far more effective on a population which does not know the difference between assertions and fact based arguments.

 

I know that I am guilty of feeling the old adage "If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen" and often when reading your critiques I think wow I shouldn't bother posting since obviously I can't take the heat- But have realized that behind your slick and knowledgeable 'critiques' is often a bit of insecurity which, in my opinion, the reader can feel as bullying. I hope I have not upset you rather look at this very much as a critique of your critiques or hyper-criticism- Or as a poem about poetry- Of Course, you may read this as you please...

 

With Respect,

 

Juris

[rumisong]

the Quakers (Religious Society of Friends) have a saying, which, at their Monthly Meetings for Worship to Consider Business, a Friend may speak out after another has just spoken something with resonance:

 

"That Friend speaks my mind"

 

Juris,

Im still absorbing the work-- read it just as soon as you posted it, and I find I need to absorb them over time before I can say too much on them (anyones works I mean, not just yours, of course) so, I am here-reading and remain a fan ;)

[dr_con]

Rumi,

 

I am touched by your deep consideration of poetics, it shows to me a truly poetic heart- which is abundantly clear in your work-

 

Thank you my friend!

 

DC&J