Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
badger11

Incubus

Recommended Posts

badger11

The muffled scream of child. Later I join

Mother shuffling her cards, sipping her gin,

playing poker with ghosts that live to win.

 

The smell of soil reminds her of Father,

his hands as brown as clay. I have no kin:

I am the voice that drifts within soft skin.

 

As night unzips her heart, her lips as white

as chalk, I bind her soul until my sin

empties a sigh for another end to begin.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tinker
The muffled scream of child. Later I join

Mother shuffling her cards, sipping her gin,

playing poker with ghosts that live to win.

 

The smell of soil reminds her of Father,

his hands as brown as clay. I have no kin:

I am the voice that drifts within soft skin.

 

As night unzips her heart, her lips as white

as chalk, I bind her soul until my sin

empties a sigh for another end to begin.

 

Wow Badge, From the title to the very last line, this is great! Shades of Edgar Allen Poe. Everyone is writing creepy things lately. This one is really creepy.

 

I love the images "his hands as brown and clay" and my mind flew to a freshly dug grave. "I am the voice that drifts within soft skin." and I swear there was a ripple of movement just below the skin of my arm. Eeewwwew!!

 

I love the form... tercets of 10 syllable lines with rhyme xaa xaa xaa.

 

This is SOOOOOOOOO good from every level.

 

There have been lots of very well written, spooky poems posted lately, appropriate for the Halloween season. But in my opinion you win the prize hands down.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
goldenlangur

Hi badge,

 

The demonic presence and brutality of Incubus is palpably made manifest in the many details :

 

The muffled scream of child.

 

 

Mother ...

playing poker with ghosts that live to win.

 

Father,

his hands as brown as clay.

 

I bind her soul until my sin

empties a sigh for another end to begin.

 

 

Is this a nightmare that haunts the narrator or is it a metaphor for some trauma that he has suffered as a child - mother mating with the demon and the horrible secret of his birth or is he the child of an abusive father?

 

You give the reader much to interpret. The cadences in the poem underline its sinister and dark tone.

 

An amazing piece of writing, badge.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

I'm blown away, Badge. Fantastic form and meter. Though I'm barely qualified to comment on the content -- it's like "I'm down here, and this poem is up here somewhere" -- I will say this: it simultaneously plants me in the dirt and leaves me adrift in interstellar space. There's a sense of abandonment and of watching oneself in a movie while actually in the movie ...

 

I have one ever-so-minor suggestion. If you were to use a word -- "my," "her," or "the" -- in front of "Father," this poem would be in flawless iambic pentameter. I understand, of course, if you don't want to do it, but it's so close I think it's worth it.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
rumisong

this freakin ROCKS

 

I have to say, to Tony's point- I cant vote for such a change-

I NEED to not have the "Father" given any more attribute- I feel the need to be in the "dark" a bit about who's father, and why the cap F. It made me go back and start again from the beginning, and I liked that aspect-

 

the voice of this... no, cant say more now-- must let it sit and read it another five times--

 

this freakin rocks! bravo!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
rumisong
Everyone is writing creepy things lately...

~~Tink

 

 

oh yes, this is so, isnt it?... I hope I hope I can find something creepy here before tomorrow night...

 

happy hallows-eve to us!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv
I have to say, to Tony's point- I cant vote for such a change-

I NEED to not have the "Father" given any more attribute- I feel the need to be in the "dark" a bit about who's father, and why the cap F. It made me go back and start again from the beginning, and I liked that aspect-

 

Rumisong, this is an excellent point that goes to content, and we'll see what Badge has to say about it. Allow me to clarify: the line needs an additional, properly placed accented syllable. It doesn't have to be a word in front of "Father." It could be anything. Some ideas:

 

 

The smell of the soil takes her back to Father

 

The smell of soil has all the signs of Father

 

 

Many other things could work. These are just a few thoughts.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
rumisong
Rumisong, this is an excellent point that goes to content, and we'll see what Badge has to say about it. Allow me to clarify: the line needs an additional, properly placed accented syllable. It doesn't have to be a word in front of "Father." It could be anything.

 

right, I understood that too- and also an excellent point. If something is "so close" to a kind of "fullness" of a sort of perfection, then why not lend it what it would need-- certainly--

 

but then, there is always that zen notion, for instance in Japanese pottery, where something is left as the subtlest hint of imperfect in the final product (be it the form or the glaze or what have you) and the truest beauty of the thing (indeed of life itself), it is allowed, can be seen in THAT imperfection.

 

this for me would just strengthen my own vote-- not that there are not other areas of my life where an "ocd-rumi" would kick in-- like I would be adjusting your silverware and napkin and the salt and pepper shakers and the napkin dispenser, should we ever find ourselves at a diner for lunch, for instance (hehe, not really-- well, not always-- hehe)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv
Rumisong, this is an excellent point that goes to content, and we'll see what Badge has to say about it. Allow me to clarify: the line needs an additional, properly placed accented syllable. It doesn't have to be a word in front of "Father." It could be anything.

 

right, I understood that too- and also an excellent point. If something is "so close" to a kind of "fullness" of a sort of perfection, then why not lend it what it would need-- certainly--

 

but then, there is always that zen notion, for instance in Japanese pottery, where something is left as the subtlest hint of imperfect in the final product (be it the form or the glaze or what have you) and the truest beauty of the thing (indeed of life itself), it is allowed, can be seen in THAT imperfection.

 

this for me would just strengthen my own vote-- not that there are not other areas of my life where an "ocd-rumi" would kick in-- like I would be adjusting your silverware and napkin and the salt and pepper shakers and the napkin dispenser, should we ever find ourselves at a diner for lunch, for instance (hehe, not really-- well, not always-- hehe)

I understand this, too, Rumisong. We got into the wab-sabi discussion recently on Dedalus' poem "Mono No Aware". I myself am a fan of wabi. :) And I understand sabi; it's not so bad if things are allowed to age gracefully.

 

As for lunch, it's a real possibility. Which part of New England do you consider home in the moment? I frequent Massachusetts all the time.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aleksandra

:rolleyes:

 

:rolleyes:

 

No comment. The best! I am blocked. This makes me scream!


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
waxwings

A fascinating poem. But I must be stupid in some way, for I see no reason for the title, not even after googling etc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11
Everyone is writing creepy things lately. This one is really creepy.

 

Thanks Tink. Though judging by some of the replies perhaps too 'creepy'. An old poem of mine that I bring out for halloween, revised a little here and there. Still 'pantomime' in my view compared to this:

 

All you that in the condemned hole do lie,

Prepare you, for tomorrow you shall die;

Watch all and pray; The hour is drawing near,

That you before the Almighty must appear.

 

Examine well yourselves; in time repent,

That you may not to eternal flames be sent.

And when St Sepulchre's Bell in the morning tolls,

The Lord above have mercy on your souls.

----------------------------------------- --- Anonymous

 

http://www.poetrymagnumopus.com/index.php?showtopic=2142

 

A poem driven by belief is truly scary!

 

badge

Edited by badger11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

Thanks gl. I perhaps haven't framed this too well since no child abuse was intended. Except for one poem, I don't write about that subject. Maybe I have lost control of the poem and created something more evil than 'entertaining'. The voice in my head changed 'birth' to 'child', 'the Mother' to 'Mother', 'daddy' to 'Father'. The 'demon' pictures child/Mother/Father in a generic sense rather than individual prey. I can see why it could be interpreted in a darker way with the way our world is.

 

badge

Edited by badger11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

Thank you Rumi and Tony I have enjoyed your discussion. As I explained to gl, I think the poem has grown beyond my conscious intention and become somewhat more disturbing than intended. In regard to form that is where the poem's voice took me. I also feel that there is an emphasis given to Mother/Father by breaking iambic rhythm.

 

many thanks

 

badge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11
:rolleyes:

 

:rolleyes:

 

No comment. The best! I am blocked. This makes me scream!

 

:icon_redface: apologies Aleks

 

badge :icon_cool:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

ww you are certainly not stupid :icon_eek:

 

pleased you enjoyed

 

badge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tinker

Hi Badge, I am pleased that you took the time to read what I wrote about Tyburn verse and related it to the topic at hand. The further I search the more I realize that verse has been a pivotable element in the evolution of man, it has recorded and influenced history and no corner of the globe is excluded. Thanks for the plug. :-8)

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
goldenlangur
Thanks gl. I perhaps haven't framed this too well since no child abuse was intended. Except for one poem, I don't write about that subject.

Maybe I have lost control of the poem and created something more evil than 'entertaining'. The voice in my head changed 'birth' to 'child', 'the Mother' to 'Mother', 'daddy' to 'Father'. The 'demon' pictures child/Mother/Father in a generic sense rather than individual prey. I can see why it could be interpreted in a darker way with the way our world is.

 

badge

 

 

I do understand your misgivings about my interpretation of your poem, badge. Sometimes the reader sees and imagines things (admittedly, certain images and words might seem to suggest ;) ) in a work that may not be what the poet intended. The generic/individual resonance is what most poets strive for - that something generic might resonate with the readers or something individual might have a more universal resonance.

 

You're right - our interpretation is shaped by our world and I think it is the mark of a good poet that you give the reader that room in your work. :D


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dr_con

Perfect for this sunny Halloween in San Francisco- A true pleasure badge, I really enjoyed this lovely little horror and the subsequent discussion;-)

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aleksandra
:icon_redface: apologies Aleks

 

badge :icon_cool:

 

Oh, please don't. I stayed speechless from the power and beauty of this poem. So the scream is from the excitement. :)

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
waxwings
ww you are certainly not stupid :icon_eek:

 

pleased you enjoyed

 

badge

 

I admire the mood (and the way it was administered) and your daring if the inuendo I sense is what you intended. It is dificult to not take the "l" in this poem as "the evil one in male form who copulates w/sleeping women", mostly against their volition. Or am I just a "dirty minded old" man and you are hinting the narrator having some other status with that card-playing, gin-swilling woman.

Edited by waxwings

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.