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goldenlangur

spring - tanka

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goldenlangur

in the cloudless sky

giant kites reel

spring morning

over these mountains

my thoughts race to you

 

or :

 

in cloudless skies

giant kites reel

spring morning -

over the mountains

my thoughts race to you

 

 

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra

in cloudless skies

giant kites reel

spring morning -

over the mountains

my thoughts race to you

 

Wonderful goldenlangur. I really love the second version. " the " mountains sounds much better than " these " mountains.

 

Short and thoughtful. I love the expression:Cloudless sky, and also

spring morning -

over the mountains

that part have far horizon, deep, for the writer and for the reader.

 

Sounds lovely and romantic

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Thank you very much Aleksandra for your suggestions here.

 

aleksandra wrote:

I really love the second version.
" the
" mountains sounds much better than "
these
" mountains.

 

Short and thoughtful. I love the expression:
Cloudless sky
, and also
spring morning -

over the mountains

that part have far horizon, deep, for the writer and for the reader.

 

Aleksandra

 

I like how you read the images, particularly the "mountains" hinting at "far horizon".

 

 

I appreciate your close read.

 

goldenlangur

Edited by goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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pawn shop

How about "their cloudless skies"

and

"over our mountians"

Just a quick thought......

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Lake

Golden,

 

"my thoughts race to you" is the punch line to me.

 

I like the juxtaposition here also - kites reel in the sky and thoughts race over the mountains. And spring morning serves as a pivot.

 

Love it.

 

Lake

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Tinker

Hi gl. Another winner. We all have our preferences, but it is your preference that counts, the message comes through in both versions. It is just which sounds better to the ear.

 

To my ear, a combination of the 2 sounds best...

 

in cloudless skies ------ I like the rhythm better

giant kites reel

spring morning ---

over these mountains ----- "these" sounds more personal, specific

my thoughts race to you

 

However you like it, I think it is a small gem.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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summayya

Could picture colorful kites in a cloudless sky and yes my thoughts flied too...

 

As always a pleasure!

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goldenlangur

Thank you summayya icon_smile.gif Lovely to see you around icon_biggrin.png

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Thank you pawn shop for your suggestions icon_smile.gif Will have a rethink.

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

I can see that you're already beginning to figure out the various aspects of the tanka form, Lake. This is wonderful and I've enjoyed very much how you've read this piece in the light of the "pivot" line and the "juxtaposition" of images and emotions in a tanka.

 

Thank you very much. I hope you'll give this form a try and post a tanka.

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Many thanks Tink for giving this tanka a close read and posting your thoughts as to how and why the second version works for you.

 

I appreciate your feedback and suggestions as I'm still learning this form and hope to improve as I go along.

 

 

With appreciation,

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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