Wistful Poet Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 I tended that flower for three years. I watched it grow from a seed to a rose, I gave it love and care as if it were my own child. But you, you got jealous of my hard work, so in the dead of night, you took my flower and passed it off as your own, claiming all my hard work... I can't look you at you for taking my pride and joy away. Thanks alot. Quote "If you are faced with a dissappointment or a bad situation ask, will it matter in 10 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Hi Wistful, Welcome, it is nice to see you posting here. I like the metaphor. I wonder if you would accept a suggestion. I think in L1 it would make more sense if you substituted "rosebush" or "plant" for "flower". No flower lasts 3 years but a bareroot rosebush can take 3 years to produce the perfect rose. The substitution would also eliminated the repetition of the word flower later in the poem. Your last 2 lines are fine for a journal or if you are sending the poem specifically to the thief. But for the public, I think they diminish the power of the poem. Ending at L8 says it all. You don't have to tell the reader how you feel, leaving it at L8 lets the reader feel it for themselves. Just a different perspective. I that a picture of Dancer? My mare, St Pat was a bay with a blaze also. This reminded me a little of her. I miss her. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Hi again, Tink has given you some great advice - a concrete image/reference helps to ground a poem and make it come alive for the reader. You convey the pique and sense of betrayal very well. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 So nice poem WP. I like it. This is in relation of your youth what you own now . Well expressed and I agree with advices of our friends what pointed out. Thank you for sharing your avatar looks very cute Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wistful Poet Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 thanks guys. That's my horse dancer. Thanks for the advice tink. I rewrote it last night so it should be up soon. Quote "If you are faced with a dissappointment or a bad situation ask, will it matter in 10 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pawn shop Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 This poem is EASILY your best !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wistful Poet Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 Thanks pawn shop! Quote "If you are faced with a dissappointment or a bad situation ask, will it matter in 10 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summayya Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Your poem is good. The metaphor works. Nicely done! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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