waxwings Posted February 3, 2011 (edited) Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ Italics mark good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ 'cocooned' more Anglo-Saxon vs. the Norman/French 'embedded' My capital, of tended fires that smolder, ~ appositive commas ='city' omitted but understood is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder; ~ underlined is main clause and there I left my daughter in a yurt. I left her taken care of and unhurt. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Still higher. overhead, an asterism ~ 'overhead' is adjectival modifier re-inforcing "still higher" now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism! A poem as well thought out as this is worth more of my time to perhaps make it perfect. I was close to falling asleep when I posted previous and forgot a few, supportive to my edits, notes. Please do question them, for I am not omnipotent. Edited February 3, 2011 by waxwings Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks, again, Ikars. Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ Italics mark good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ 'cocooned' more Anglo-Saxon vs. the Norman/French 'embedded' I think a little bit of the Latinate is not such a bad thing when the poem has plenty of Anglo-Saxon (with the exception of maybe "asterism"). I need it here for the meter. Besides, "embedded" is a fine word. But it's good to pay attention to this, and I do most of the time. My capital, of tended fires that smolder, ~ appositive commas ='city' omitted but understoodis often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder; ~ underlined is main clause and there I left my daughter in a yurt. I left her taken care of and unhurt. Thank you for the additional clarification/explanation. Still higher. overhead, an asterism ~ 'overhead' is adjectival modifier re-inforcing "still higher"now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism! I'll add the commas. Tony Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites