A Winter Day

[waxwings]

Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ Italics mark good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ 'cocooned' more Anglo-Saxon vs. the Norman/French 'embedded'

 

My capital, of tended fires that smolder, ~ appositive commas ='city' omitted but understood

is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder; ~ underlined is main clause

and there I left my daughter in a yurt.

I left her taken care of and unhurt.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Still higher. overhead, an asterism ~ 'overhead' is adjectival modifier re-inforcing "still higher"

now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism!

 

A poem as well thought out as this is worth more of my time to perhaps make it perfect. I was close to falling asleep when I posted previous and forgot a few, supportive to my edits, notes. Please do question them, for I am not omnipotent.

Edited February 3, 2011 by waxwings

[tonyv]

Thanks, again, Ikars.

 

Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ Italics mark good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ 'cocooned' more Anglo-Saxon vs. the Norman/French 'embedded'

I think a little bit of the Latinate is not such a bad thing when the poem has plenty of Anglo-Saxon (with the exception of maybe "asterism"). I need it here for the meter. Besides, "embedded" is a fine word. But it's good to pay attention to this, and I do most of the time.

 

My capital, of tended fires that smolder, ~ appositive commas ='city' omitted but understood

is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder; ~ underlined is main clause

and there I left my daughter in a yurt.

I left her taken care of and unhurt.

Thank you for the additional clarification/explanation.

 

Still higher. overhead, an asterism ~ 'overhead' is adjectival modifier re-inforcing "still higher"

now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism!

I'll add the commas.

 

Tony