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tonyv

Yacht Club, Sunday Night, 2am

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tonyv

Now, in the muffled thump-thud-thump of after,
a couple of Coasties, drinking, bump and grind.
Now, somewhere in a corner, nervous laughter
hints at her words which he was disinclined
to listen to, to parse and understand.
While digging out a pearl he soiled that oyster --
it's something that just happened, wasn't planned --
and now it's getting harder to withstand
not touching her; he's jealous of her hand.


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Gatekeeper

The missing stuff . . . hmmmm.

Wish there were a bit more.


from the black desert

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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

Compact and potent.

 

Love the nuances here:

... somewhere in a corner, nervous laughter

hints at her words, which he was disinclined

to listen to, to parse, or understand.

 

How well you show and suggest! :

now, it's getting harder to withstand

not touching her; he's jealous of her hand.

 

 

Very adeptly done and truly enjoyable. :D

 

Thank you.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Benjamin

Hi Tony. An unusual scene which arouses much curiosity throughout nine compact lines. I like the mixed use of feminine line ends but generally prefer to see them carry a thought into the next line as you did with “nervous laughter/ hints at her words,” Still... that's just me. By the way, are you a member sir? :icon_sunny:

Edited by Benjamin

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tonyv
The missing stuff . . . hmmmm.

Wish there were a bit more.

The payoff's a bit meager on this one, I know. Thanks for reading and replying, Gatekeeper. Sorry to disappoint.

 

Tony


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tonyv

Goldenlangur, I'm very pleased you liked the poem and those parts. I like those last lines, too.

 

Tony


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tonyv

Thank you, Benjamin, for your kind reply. I like your observations and remarks about the feminine line endings.

 

By the way, are you a member sir? :icon_sunny:

Only in my imagination! :-8)

 

Tony


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Lake

Hi Tony,

 

I like the ambiance, appeal created in this poem. And you say, the scene is your imagination?! How romantic.

I like your word choices, too. 'Yacht', 'Coasties', 'pearl', 'oyster ' all relate to water.

 

Nice appealing scene.

 

Lake

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moonqueen

Tony, much enjoyed this one. Puts me in mind of Spring Break!

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tonyv
Hi Tony,

 

I like the ambiance, appeal created in this poem. And you say, the scene is your imagination?! How romantic.

I like your word choices, too. 'Yacht', 'Coasties', 'pearl', 'oyster ' all relate to water.

 

Nice appealing scene.

 

Lake

Thank you, Lake! I like when the mood of a piece comes across. For me, that plays a significant role in whether I merely like a particular poem or love it. And I'm pleased that you've taken note and pointed out the similar (maritime) elements of the poem.

 

Tony


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tonyv
Tony, much enjoyed this one. Puts me in mind of Spring Break!

And thank you, Tammi! It's almost that time ... (if only!)

 

Tony :party on:


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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dedalus

Ooooohh! Wait a second! There's all kinds of things going on here.

 

First, is the story (to my mind, the main thing).

Second, is the rhyming scheme (clever, syncopatic)

Third, overall effect.

 

This (superficially simple) poem has a lot of the above three elements working for it. I'm beginning to believe you are one of the best New England poets, as in, unrecognized, reluctantly published, totally excellent and extremely underpaid (as in Zero).

 

My man Tony!

 

Keep going, never never stop

Bren


Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim

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tonyv
Ooooohh! Wait a second! There's all kinds of things going on here.

 

First, is the story (to my mind, the main thing).

Second, is the rhyming scheme (clever, syncopatic)

Third, overall effect.

 

This (superficially simple) poem has a lot of the above three elements working for it. I'm beginning to believe you are one of the best New England poets, as in, unrecognized, reluctantly published, totally excellent and extremely underpaid (as in Zero).

 

My man Tony!

 

Keep going, never never stop

Bren

Thank you, Brendan, for the incredibly generous compliments. They're very encouraging. The form is one of my favorites: the Rainis Sonnet (again), this time with a rhyme scheme of abab cac cc.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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PDgb

You can see it...every inch of this scene is visible to the reader. Nice imagery and great flow send this poem nicely on its way into the readers mind. An interesting scene to think about. It has quite a bit of philosophical value to it actually. It makes you think about greed and what intoxicates humanity as a whole. Nicely done.


GBrenton

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tonyv
You can see it...every inch of this scene is visible to the reader. Nice imagery and great flow send this poem nicely on its way into the readers mind. An interesting scene to think about. It has quite a bit of philosophical value to it actually. It makes you think about greed and what intoxicates humanity as a whole. Nicely done.

Thank you, PDgb! I like how you saw even more in this. Takes it to a whole new level ...

 

Tony


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Aleksandra

Hi, Tony. After all previous comments, mine would be overage. :o It's hard for me to follow these poems, maybe because I am trying to understand something more inside, other than already presented from the narrator. But out of all, I liked this poem, though is not my favorite from you :). You know me... what kind of reader I am. But you are still my favorite poet. I do believe in the power of your poem, and its quality. You never missed to form your poems in a precisely chosen compact creation.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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badger11

I particularly enjoyed that sound cluster of thump-thud-thump, though it swallowed the 'of'.

But that doesn't matter.

 

Thoughtful and subtle, feels real.

 

badge

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tonyv
I particularly enjoyed that sound cluster of thump-thud-thump, though it swallowed the 'of'.

But that doesn't matter.

 

Thoughtful and subtle, feels real.

 

badge

Glad you liked it. I never take the "Badge" of approval for granted.

 

Tony :D


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Tinker

Hi Tony, I have read this poem several times. Every time I have stopped by this section in the past couple of weeks, I have come back to this piece and even started a response but never finished. I recognized the Rainis Sonnet and thought it the perfect vehicle for this topic. You captured the essence of the observation, served it up and let it go.... Just enough. I really like this. Can I use it as an example of the form?

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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dr_con

Tony, mind blowing sleaze and yet a perfectly puncuated scene that carries a certain romance and trance. Nicely, nicely done.

 

I love it.

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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tonyv
Hi Tony, I have read this poem several times. Every time I have stopped by this section in the past couple of weeks, I have come back to this piece and even started a response but never finished. I recognized the Rainis Sonnet and thought it the perfect vehicle for this topic. You captured the essence of the observation, served it up and let it go.... Just enough. I really like this. Can I use it as an example of the form?

 

~~Tink

Thank you, Tinker. Glad you liked it, especially your observation about the brevity. And of course, you can use this and/or any other poem of mine as an example.

 

Tony :)


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tonyv
Tony, mind blowing sleaze and yet a perfectly puncuated scene that carries a certain romance and trance. Nicely, nicely done.

 

I love it.

 

DC&J

Thank you, Juris. Your thoughtful comment is very encouraging.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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