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goldenlangur

The sea

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goldenlangur

The sea

 

In black rampancy

it heaves over the tsunami wall

picks, slams, smithereens

cars, planes, homes and trees.

 

 

Down our street it streams

takes my father, my computer, my bed.

Now, in the spring full moon

it lies - a ripple-less sheet.

 

I can't sleep.

I can never sleep.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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abstrect-christ

nicely done. :wacko:


Pinhead

"Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends.

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh."

Joey

"I don't believe you."

Pinhead

"Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume.

To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart."

"There's a starving beast inside my chest
playing with me until he's bored
Then, slowly burying his tusks in my flesh
crawling his way out he rips open old wounds

When I reach for the knife placed on the bedside table
its blade reflects my determined face
to plant it in my chest
and carve a hole so deep it snaps my veins

Hollow me out, I want to feel empty"
-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreaker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8

"Sky turns to a deeper grey

the sun fades by the moon

hell's come from the distant hills

tortures dreams of the doomed

and they pray, yet they prey

and they pray, still they prey"
-- "Still They Prey" by Cough

https://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray

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Gatekeeper
The sea

 

In black rampancy

it heaves over the tsunami wall

picks, slams, smithereens

cars, planes, homes and trees.

 

 

Down our street it streams

takes my father, my computer, my bed.

Now, in the spring full moon

it lies - a ripple-less sheet.

 

I can't sleep.

I can never sleep.

 

I like what you have captured here, concisely.

 

I might suggest this:

 

In the first line, perhaps "foaming" rampancy,

or something like that

since the blackness seems to come later,

after picking up soil and debris.

 

Then in line 1, S2

you could add "black" or "blackened"

to the end of the line

"Down our street it streams, blackened"

 

Might have a bit more punch that way.


from the black desert

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dr_con

Nice work Golden! A very existential moment, nicely captured.

 

Many Thanks,

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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tonyv

Poignant! Very effective, how you escalate it from seemingly impersonal items ("cars, planes, homes, and trees") to another level, one that can't be news-clip sanitized:

 

Down our street it streams

takes my father, my computer, my bed.

Of course, at the end, you hammer it home. There's no way to forget what has happened:

 

I can't sleep.

I can never sleep.

I loved it.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Benjamin

Hello g.l.

Your theme is topical , well presented and relevent. The force of nature, terrible on the one hand yet placid and beautiful on the other. How fragile and vulnerable we are. Benjamin

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goldenlangur
nicely done. :unsure:

 

 

Thank you for your encouraging comment.

 

The image in your post is quite scarily reminiscent of the black tsunami waves in Japan.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur
I like what you have captured here, concisely.

 

Delighted that the conciseness works, Gatekeeper. :D

 

I appreciate your taking the trouble to make the critical and helpful pointer. I will gratefully keep in mind for a rewrite.

 

 

Thank you.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur
A very existential moment, nicely captured.

DC&J

 

 

How astutely you read this, DC.

 

Appreciate your encouragement. :D

 

 

Thank you.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur
... escalate it from seemingly impersonal items ("cars, planes, homes, and trees") to another level, one that can't be news-clip sanitized:

 

Tony

 

You've described eloquently the randomness and the impersonal and personal impact of the tsunami.

 

 

Thank you for your considered read and comment. :D


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur
The force of nature, terrible on the one hand yet placid and beautiful on the other. How fragile and vulnerable we are. Benjamin[/size][/font]

 

Very well summed-up, Benjamin. We are indeed vulnerable and how random and terrifying the forces of nature are!

 

Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment. :D


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Lake

What a timely piece, Golden! You described the moment very well. After its rampancy, it quiets down, like a ripple-less sheet, while "I", sleepless. Another read, I read the ripple-less sheet as the wrinkle-less bed sheet, "I" didn't even go to bed.

 

Thanks for the read.

 

Lake

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Aleksandra

Even if the whole poem was bad, with the last couple of lines you would have a wonderful poem. But in this case, when all the parts of this poem are wonderful, well, I don't have much to say. The end works in very effective way, very memorable. Great, GL.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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dedalus

Close to home. Scary: could have been our stretch of coastline instead of theirs. Don't want to think about it. OF COURSE I think about it. Subtle and accomplished but from this side of the world, distinctly scary ....


Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim

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