goldenlangur Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 moulds of lichen on this old stone bridge how they thrive without light! while you and I look for answers all our lives Or: moulds of lichen on this old stone bridge how they thrive without light! while you and l look for answers all our lives goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 moulds of lichen on this old stone bridge how they thrive without light! while you and I look for answers all our lives Or: moulds of lichen on this old stone bridge how they thrive without light! while you and l look for answers all our lives goldenlangur I definitely prefer the first version, Golden. I stumble a little on the linebreak at look in the second version. This reminds me of a passage in the Christian Bible, where Jesus tells his followers not to worry from where they will get their food. He points out that the birds do not worry from where their food comes, and that God, the Father, loves man so much more than the lesser creatures for whom He also provides (the birds). I hope you don't mind the parallel I made. I enjoyed this philosophical tanka. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Wonderful! I think second form is better, at least works that way for me, but expressing on English language it sounds different. But however. I have other idea goldenlangur. I think again my opinion, it would sound better and stronger if the last part is expressed like this: moulds of lichen on this old stone bridge how they thrive without light! while you and l look all our lives -for answers. That is my thoughts about the ending parts of the poems. The point to say as the end. On this side poetry like that sounds more stronger and powerful. But should not be a case for everywhere. Anyway, I loved this tanka as always. Good write and very thoughtful Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 love the anology. thi write hum like a song in my opinion. victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 Hi Tony, Thank you for your thoughts - From the humblest of life forms, the lichen, to all creatures, a thread of link. I rather like this parallel you've made here with the biblical passage, you've quoted. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 Hi Aleksandra, Your suggestion of impact in the last line of the tanka is a very good one - something the Japanese tanka writers accomplish admirably! I shall certainly consider your suggestion in a rewrite. Feedback like this is very helpful and I learn much. So a big thank you goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 Thank you so much Victor your perceptive comment. "hum" and music in tanka is something I struggle with. So your remark is most encouraging. I will get there by and by with support and encouragement like yours. With appreciation, goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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