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eclipse

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eclipse

The wind shapes circles from the sands

an old couple hold aged wiry hands

while watching a newly built carousel

gulls are taunted by the lovely smell

of a stall selling candy floss

the old couple sit near the eroded cliffs

and the tide interrupts their pathos

further along the bay the wind lifts

blowing away the paper from unwrapped gifts

given to a girl by her silent golden lover

and the tides roll on of the silver mother.

The derelict lighthouse fades into the night

a ghostly ship is still guided by its light

The moon reveals it's twin in the end of a glass

a drinker staggers out of the Sailor's arms

he closes one eye and sees a ghostly ship pass.

The sun breaks through a window a clock chimes.

An old man the drinker receives his breakfast

A wife knows like the moon their love will last

Edited by eclipse

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tonyv

Impressive output, Eclipse. Only one word I would change: in L15, I'd make it "a sailor's arms."

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

The moon reveals its twin in the end of a glass

Dream-like, but anchored with realities, captured in that exquisite line.

 

- Sailor's Arms, a pub?

 

badge

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tonyv
- Sailor's Arms, a pub?

Now that would make sense. Or it's just called The Sailor, and the part about the arms is metaphorical. Please disregard what I said in my post about the indefinite versus definite article in L15. I agree with Badge on the line he highlighted, too. It's top shelf!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Frank E Gibbard

Loved this eclipse, all atmosphere and beautiful description. For Tony's benefit who won't know pubs as we Brits do, of course badge was right about the pub name, and that it should have the cap iro "Arms" - also note the "it's" should be its if you care to edit that too it'll be grand. Frank

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fdelano
The wind shapes circles from the sands

an old couple hold aged wiry hands

while watching a newly built carousel

gulls are taunted by the lovely smell

of a stall smelling candy floss

the old couple sit near the eroded cliffs

and the tide interrupts their pathos

further along the bay the wind lifts

blowing away the paper from unwrapped gifts

given to a girl by her silent golden lover

and the tides roll on of the silver mother.

The derelict lighthouse fades into the night

a ghostly ship is still guided by it's light

The moon reveals it's twin in the end of a glass

a drinker staggers out of the Sailor's arms

he closes one eye and sees a ghostly ship pass.

The sun breaks through a window a clock chimes.

An old man the drinker receives his breakfast

A wife knows like the moon their love will last

 

A sea-side attraction full of the emotions of those who do not visit for a holiday. Pathos, but for the wife who knows like the moon their love will last. Thank you for the treat.

fdh

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Benjamin

Hello eclipse. Some good atmospheric imagery here. The place has a sad out of season feeling about it, underscored by the old couple. L5 perhaps "selling?" Benjamin.

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dr_con

Some startling and thoughtful lines- well paced and filled with clear images.

 

Profound fun!

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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Tinker

Hi Eclipse, This poem is packed with concrete imagery. You create a somber mood through these images with a touch of hope.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Gatekeeper

To my ear, the rhythm stumbles between some of the scenes but otherwise I enjoyed the painting.


from the black desert

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