fdelano Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 late days slide warm winds under leaves spiraling down settling skittishly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I like the warmth, the glide of the alliterating 's'. A few readings brought me to the sense of the days themselves sliding and settling, which may be a bit on the abstract side for the haiku form, but works for me. A purist would point out that the poem explicitly states the season, rather than implies it. A nice experience! - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abstrect-christ Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 haiku's are fun, that's why they never really ask you to put the season nor animal in english class, atleast where I am, nicely done haiku about the transitional season. Quote Pinhead "Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh." Joey "I don't believe you." Pinhead "Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart." "There's a starving beast inside my chestplaying with me until he's boredThen, slowly burying his tusks in my fleshcrawling his way out he rips open old woundsWhen I reach for the knife placed on the bedside tableits blade reflects my determined faceto plant it in my chestand carve a hole so deep it snaps my veinsHollow me out, I want to feel empty"-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreakerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8 "Sky turns to a deeper grey the sun fades by the moon hell's come from the distant hills tortures dreams of the doomed and they pray, yet they prey and they pray, still they prey"-- "Still They Prey" by Coughhttps://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 haiku's are fun, that's why they never really ask you to put the season nor animal in english class, atleast where I am, nicely done haiku about the transitional season. Hi Abs, not sure I fully follow the sense of your sentence, so forgive me if my response is completely tangential. According to my training, the question of season in Japanese verse, is one frequently misunderstood by Westerners. A purist would insist that the season be implied through use of season-associated word or set of words, known as kidai or kigo. In haiku it is normally employed or at least introduced in the opening phrase. I have found these sites informative and fun: http://simplyhaiku.com/SHv4n3/features/Nobuyuki.html http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kigo Not sure what you are saying about the inclusion of animals. People and animals have appeared in haiku/hokku for centuries. Perhaps the preeminent practitioner of the form is Basho. Here is a site I found recently, with some of his works (and others): http://simplyhaiku.com/SHv4n3/features/Nobuyuki.html Does this reply address your observation, or did I go off on my own drummer thing again? Do you have conflicting information you can share? Fascinating stuff! - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abstrect-christ Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 sorry, I was just stating that even if a purist was to complain in the end a haiku is fun to to make and short and when I last did a basic look it did need a mention of a season and element of nature, not quite animal per say but animal is probably the most common thing one can use, but when I was in junior high and my english teacher told us to do haiku's I never remember her ever mentioning a season, only that it had to have an element of nature in it; got good remarks for my haiku on a bird being hunted in the rain forest; never added a season though and still got a good mark for it.(as far as it went anyways, adhd and all) Quote Pinhead "Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh." Joey "I don't believe you." Pinhead "Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart." "There's a starving beast inside my chestplaying with me until he's boredThen, slowly burying his tusks in my fleshcrawling his way out he rips open old woundsWhen I reach for the knife placed on the bedside tableits blade reflects my determined faceto plant it in my chestand carve a hole so deep it snaps my veinsHollow me out, I want to feel empty"-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreakerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8 "Sky turns to a deeper grey the sun fades by the moon hell's come from the distant hills tortures dreams of the doomed and they pray, yet they prey and they pray, still they prey"-- "Still They Prey" by Coughhttps://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Not a student of form or tradition or specific culture demands, but have revised this so-called haiku to fit the parameters--hopefully. fdh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I like the change, fd, not just for reasons of form, but because I think the piece works better this way. - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I like the imagery presented here: the unusual use of “skittishly” (I'd normally associate with nervous horses-- although it has other implications:-) works well for me. G. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I'm not so knowledgeable when it comes to haiku, Franklin, but I for one appreciate how you adhere to the traditional syllable count. I mean, why not? Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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