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tonyv

Rim

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tonyv

The grooves in the gray matter had sunk in;
troubling thoughts adhered to the bone rim
of a cage, hidden beneath delicate skin
from uncurious eyes. Oft, in the dim
blush of the winter gloaming came a blast:
a wraith of her, locked in a kiss with him;
but now, the daystar is returning fast
to subjugate -- reveal and burn away --
vexatious apparitions of the past.
Time to defy the high and help allay
the self-inflicted torment -- to maroon
addictions which beget afflictions -- today,
while spring dissolves the saffron afternoon
into the milk of the Full Flower Moon.
____________________________________

This poem also appears in the Playground.
Read about the
Full Flower Moon.


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Larsen M. Callirhoe

wow im impressed. this is like a poem i read out of books. i like the details to the end bravo.

 

vic


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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tonyv
wow im impressed. this is like a poem i read out of books. i like the details to the end bravo.

 

vic

 

Thanks, Victor! I do have a few technical questions about sentence structure and my use of certain expressions in this poem. Maybe I'll post them in the workshop ...

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


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Tinker

Hi Tony, I like this sonnet and I love the complication of the interlacing tercets. You end with a killer heroic couplet. (even though the rhythm is off a little in the last line.) I am so jealous. I am having a very hard time writing anything right now.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv
Hi Tony, I like this sonnet and I love the complication of the interlacing tercets. You end with a killer heroic couplet. (even though the rhythm is off a little in the last line.) I am so jealous. I am having a very hard time writing anything right now.

 

~~Tink

 

Hi Tinker,

 

Thank you for your kind and helpful comment. I was going to post some specific questions pertaining to this poem in the workshop, and your observation about the last line brings to mind one of them.

 

Although the meter is ok (INto/the MILK/{of the/FULL FLOW}/er MOON), I had not considered the effectiveness of the rhythm. My question goes to the use of the word into with the word dissolve. For example, I can dissolve sugar in hot coffee, but can anything dissolve into or be dissolved into something else ... in any sense of the word?

 

I checked the dictionary, and dissolve is both transitive and intransitive. One of the definitions is "to cause to disappear or vanish; dispel." I tend to think that it does work with my usage, but now that you point out that the rhythm made you stumble, I am considering a couple of different possibilities, which might improve the rhythm.

 

I could replace into with in and add an adjective (which I didn't really want to do), like this:

 

in the warm milk of the Full Flower Moon

 

or I could change the verb dissolves in the penultimate line to something with a slightly different meaning, like transforms, and keep into, ending up with something like this:

while spring transforms the saffron afternoon

into the milk of the Full Flower Moon

 

... though the second option would probably not alter the rhythm. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe it's even ok as it is.

 

As for your dry spell, I totally understand the predicament, and there's no reason to be jealous ... not of this effort. I have been suffering from the same affliction, and it seems this poem took forever to materialize from initial concept to completion. It has been a slow road, and (unfortunately) it is all I have had to offer as of late. I put this poem in the Playground also, because it was inspired by one of Goldenlangur's prompts -- the word rim -- though it has been gelling for awhile.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

tony your poety is fine. you want profection that is why we dread adjectives. you could put your poem either way as you mentioned to tinker (judi) but it still had the same meaning. i love the concept of the poem you presented here. it is a very good poem. unless you are entering a poetry contest i would not be so knit picky about the description.. i know poets live or die by word description but perfection is hard to ascertain. you will always knit pick over description details. that is human nature. i hope i released some of the stress you were fretting about over this fine poem in my opinion.

 

victor


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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tonyv

Thank you, Victor, for your kind encouragement! Im pleased that you like this poem and its concepts.

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


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Aleksandra

Tony, this poem makes me to feel so weak as a poet. I loved this one. This state of mind expressed on so different way. This poem is so far from cliche and sounds hard, but wonderful.

I read this from two sides. By one side I loved and I think this is special poem - with good quality of poetry. By other side I can't understand why you wrote this icon_smile.gif it's not sounding on you this subject icon_razz.gif But ok, that is another subject.

What I want to say, the poem is very beautiful expressed, it was hard for me to understand all of those words - not known for me, but on the end I got it - and all of it have sense.

This shows that narrator now is tired from all pains what you express here:

 

Time to defy the high and help allay

the self-inflicted torment -- to maroon

addictions which beget afflictions -- today,

while spring dissolves the saffron afternoon

into the milk of the Full Flower Moon.

 

Are you giving up from something Tony? icon_rolleyes.gif

- ok I am just curious icon_scratch.png

 

I am glad that you wrote such of wonderful piece and I am proud of you Tony. - I love your poetry.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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tonyv

Thank you, Alek, for taking a close look at this poem and for your sweet compliments about it and my other attempts at versification.

 

This shows that narrator now is tired from all pains what you express here:

 

Time to defy the high and help allay

the self-inflicted torment -- to maroon

addictions which beget afflictions -- today,

while spring dissolves the saffron afternoon

into the milk of the Full Flower Moon.

 

Are you giving up from something Tony? icon_rolleyes.gif

- ok I am just curious icon_scratch.png

 

I am glad that you wrote such of wonderful piece and I am proud of you Tony. - I love your poetry.

 

Aleksandra

Yes, my dear, I will try to give up "addictions which beget afflictions," icon_razz.gif but first I must identify them, and what they are I do not know. icon_rolleyes.gif

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

I'm not at all au fait with the techiniques of the sonnet but simply love and enjoy the sonority and fabulous imagery here in this poem. I do appreciate the technical details of the form that you and Tink discuss in depth. Eliot once said that before a reader grasps the full and ultimate meaning of a poem, it should touch the senses - imagery and sonority. I feel your sonnet fulfills this marvellously. Particularly love the

 

tonyv wrote:

 

....the saffron afternoon

... the milk of the Full Flower Moon.

 

 

 

______________________________________

This poem also appears in the Playground.

Read about the Full Flower Moon.

icon_biggrin.png

 

 

Would I be right in saying that this great piece marks the end of your recent dry season of writing? icon_smile.gif

 

 

Much, much enjoyed and here to many more..... icon_biggrin.png

 

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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tonyv

Hi Golden,

 

Thank you for the kind compliments about this poem. I'm pleased that the sonority is working; I strive for that. Although I know that sonority by itself is not enough, I do nevertheless agree with Eliot, icon_biggrin.png ... and you also mention the imagery. Your "Rim" prompt gave rise to the concept and imagery in this one. icon_smile.gif

goldenlangur wrote:

Would I be right in saying that this great piece marks the end of your recent dry season of writing? icon_smile.gif

I do sincerely hope so ... icon_lol.gif Again, thank you for your usual kindness and overall helpfulness!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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