goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 In the deepening fog the sound of oars of the last boat carries my thoughts across the shores. In the backwash of the waves and the swish of the reeds I feel you’ve answered me. So I leave this ivory and ruby wreath of jasmine and hibiscus under the canopy of the Bo tree for you. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 on Sun Jan 20, 2008 Hi GL, You ever surprise me with the acuteness of your observation. You have the ability to translate the simplest sound or sight into a tinkling chime of sparkling jewels. I love this poem although I do wonder a little about the choice of ending the poem with the 2 words "for you". They almost seem to have been tacked on at the end as an afterthought. Did you consider including the words earlier. . . like: So for you, I leave this ivory and ruby It is just an idea, another perspective. A way to show more importance to the person to whom the gift is given than the gift itself. However you say it, this poem is a true gift to anyone who reads it. Thank you for yet another pleasurable read. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Golden, There is a calmness that pervades this poem. It is heightened in the second strophe, where you say, I feel you’ve answered me... not the decisive "You have answered me," but "I feel you've answered me." Some conflict has been resolved; some pressure has been released, leaving only a profound sense of peace. I feel like I have found this wreath. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hi Tink, Thank-you very much for giving this piece such a close reading. I can see what you mean about the last line coming across almost as an afterthought. But the implication that the gift may seem more important than the person intrigues me. The intention is the relationship with the "you" is steeped in uncertainty and reverence and a straightforward addressing as "So for you" would mean ( in my eyes and ears - perhaps wrongly) as almost forcing the "you" to accept it. Whereas the "for you" at the end was intended to say if you so wish to accept it. But you have given me food for thought and such exchanges like this help one to learn and grow in one's writing. I appreciate your honesty very much. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 "pressure released" Hi Tony, Thank-you very much for your perceptive reading here: not the decisive "You have answered me," but "I feel you've answered me." Tony Definitely a lot of uncertainly and searching and need to resolve, but whether it is or not, is what the reader tunes into and for this, I'm very grateful where ever, it is taken. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hi golden langur, You make a good point, it is the uncertainty that is at the heart of the poem. And in that light, my suggestion is off. The last line still nags at me though. I wonder, if you simply removed the "for you" altogether. The "So I leave...." is saying that because you think possibly you have been answered, you are leaving the wreath (for you) without the words. (let them be assumed or understood, if the person is listening) :shock: I don' t know, I am almost sorry I started this. I should have left your beautiful poem as you wrote it and just told you how much I enjoyed reading it. :oops: ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 uncertainty and open ended Hi again Tink, Thank-you for taking the trouble to get back with more thoughts here. I don't think your suggestion or reading is 'off" but being of quite a different slant from mine. Perhaps leaving out the last line would indeed open up the poem! Yet another point to consider for a rewrite and I do appreciate the time and thought you've given so generously. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Golden this is lovely poem. You chose wonderful title and I like it how you use " Wreath " in this poem. I loved the ending part. It sounds so natural and metaphorical. Wonderful expressed. So I leave this ivory and rubywreath of jasmine and hibiscus under the canopy of the Bo tree for you. well done Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hi Aleksandra, Many thanks for a thoughtful reading of this poem. I'm so glad that you picked up the lines about the Bo tree, under which the Buddha is said to have been enlightened. With appreciation, goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Details and tone - that made this poem stand out GL. I agree with Tinker, if you drop the last line, it heightens the uncertainty in the poem another level. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thank-you JoelJoso for your close observations of this piece. I'm glad that you enjoyed the details and tone here. I appreciate and take note of your suggestion and will give this thought for a rewrite. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) All previous comments accepted and/or notwithstanding, the last line really makes it. I found no desire to know who "you" is. That is no one elses business, because you the poet and your emotions come through quite clearly. Sorry about being too busy to get to and enjoy this poem sooner. Edited July 26, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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