give me a reason to believe

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

original version

 

 

give me a reason to believe

 

sometimes i see all the way thru your heart.

it is important to me to know you are free of me.

you know if i could i would hold you tight

by my side only wanting your love in return.

 

i listen to our song on the radio.

remember the first time we made love to it.

how beautiful those few minutes were.

if only we could relive them once again.

 

i call you on the telephone.

its been awhile since we had last talked.

maybe i shouldn't think of you as much.

i take for granted that you just don't care.

 

what we once had was truly special.

i cherish every moment we cherished together.

it was important to me that you believed

in us back then all those years ago.

 

perhaps in another lifetime

we will be brother and sister.

this is how much i love you.

i see a butterfly in my garden.

 

you see my wife has been dead and gone

to many years for me to count.

to relive to days is all i want to do.

 

i used to see your heart.

you whisper to me in my dreams.

but that is not good enough.

 

i know in heaven you still cry

begging god to be by my side. but

i will be in heaven sooner then you think.

so give me a reason to believe.

you know i would be with you if i could.

i could spend the night with you

if only you would allow it.

 

many years have passed since we first met.

have that many years really passed

since that unforgetable day.

 

i take for granted that you used to

always be there.

but now you are dead and gone

because that is what divorce feels like.

joyce you will always be in my heart

and my first love and lover.

take care my beloved friend.

 

 

******

 

this is the second version using judy's ideas.

 

 

give me a reason to believe

 

sometimes i see all the way thru your heart.

it is important to me to know you are free of me.

you know if i could i would hold you tight

by my side only wanting your love in return.

 

i listen to our song on the radio.

remember the first time we made love to it.

how beautiful those few minutes were.

if only we could relive them once again.

 

i call you on the telephone.

its been awhile since we had last talked.

maybe i shouldn't think of you as much.

i take for granted that you just don't care.

 

what we once had was truly special.

i cherish every moment we cherished together.

it was important to me that you believed

in us back then all those years ago.

 

perhaps in another lifetime

we will be brother and sister.

this is how much i love you.

i see a butterfly in my garden.

 

you see my wife has been dead and gone

to many years for me to count.

to relive to days is all i want to do.

because that is what divorce feels like.

 

 

i used to see your heart.

you whisper to me in my dreams.

but that is not good enough.

 

i know in heaven you still cry

begging god to be by my side. but

i will be in heaven sooner then you think.

so give me a reason to believe.

you know i would be with you if i could.

i could spend the night with you

if only you would allow it.

 

many years have passed since we first met.

i take for granted that you used to

always be there.

have that many years really passed

since that unforgetable day.

 

 

******

 

let me knowv what you think my friends on pmo.

 

victor

[Tinker]

Hi Victor, This has romance and sadness. I really like it.

 

This is just my opinion. But you have been writing better and better. You have always written from your heart, which has touched us. But lately it seems you are also paying more attention to the effect from the technical end of writing... therefore I would like to make a technical suggestion. I think the last stanza waters down the impact of a powerful poem. It explains and a poem doesn't need explaining. We the reader get it, we are moved by it, we don't need to have it explained. The last stanza seems almost anticlimatic. I guess if you wrote this for Joyce and are sending it to her, then I would leave it in, but if you want the reader to feel this poem with the most impact, I think it would be more powerful without it.

 

I did not mean to be critical, it was just an observation. Lately I have been looking forward to more and more reading your poems. This one was no exception.

 

~~Tink

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

hi tinker good catch,

 

i was working on type type of issue and types of emotional problems with my pjychologist. what i do is ending up putting a protective barrier around myself and i did it again with the last stanza of this poem. didn''t mean for that effect lol. i might add one or two of the lines in the last stanza in other stanzas. but i read your comments and saw what you meant afterwardsdear. as i said thanks for the catch.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

hi judy i do have one question for ya. should i include the name joyce in the poem. as you will notice i tweakd it and took her name out of it. or does anyone have comments to add. i will post both versions and see what people say. i like tinker's suggestions though!

[goldenlangur]

Hi Victor,

 

Your poems of love and longing flow like songs and this one is no different. In the original version, where you describe "divorce" as "death" is quite raw and effective. But in the second revised version, yes the closing stanza of your poem is less telling and gives the reader a lingering sense of sadness.

 

 

 

Not sure if this is much help or muddies the water further?

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[Tinker]

Whew! Victor, I was hoping you would except my comments in the spirit they were delivered and you did. Thank you. And I do like your revision.

 

As for keeping the name Joyce, for the general reader, the name is meaningless, you know who you are referring to and if she reads it, she knows who you are referring to. It adds nothing to the poem in my opinion so no I would not keep it. But, it is your poem, you are the bottom line, if you like it, keep it.

 

~~Tink

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

oh judy/tinker

 

i do appreciate constructive feedbacks such as yours. i like both versions of the poem but you brought up a good point. i do tend to water down my poems with too many details sometimes. well you know im paralyzed or i believe and think you know this. well i suffered a massive head injury and had to relearn all the grammer rules over again as well. im still learning them and im not retaining the rules like i should or wish. people like yourself our much better with grammer so i am just happy you understand me and don't blast me for the many grammer rules i do break lol. so as i said you explained real well why the poem could be more effective. then with goldenlangurs comments were my thoughts exactly after reading both versions lol. so thanks.

 

victor

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

tink~~

 

as for the name you probably are correct. it does not enhance the poem after i thought about for a moment. this is why i use a pen name is because im jewish by birth rite even though im a christian and was raised a christian there are factions in the world that want my family seed dead because they think my family started communism and used to be the richest family on earth in the late 1800's and early 1900's. my family built the railroad from one end of russiua all the way thru china with there own money. that is well over 4000 miles. but im sure the present day oil typcoons are richer and entrepenuers such as bill gates are richer. i try to express my poetry having sentimet towards jesus christ because i have been threaten before bythese factions i mentioned in this post. they told me to stop preaching jewish propaganda and i said i believe in jsu christ and they accussed me of being a liar. but that is a stor i don't want to talk about. i told them im a quadreplegic over the internet and they responded with one lst email that said ood god has punished you don't write back to us.

[Aleksandra]

Hello Victor. I was reading your poems , but I couldn't comment earlier. So today I sat here on the desk to work a while

 

my friend I think you are getting ready for publishing some prose poem - I am not sure if that I wanna say, bc of translation, we are calling that a poem, maybe somebody can help me with the word what I want to say, I think on long poem or book with one long poem.

 

I see how better and better you are. You always knows how to capture the reader on your work. the sad tone what you have in your poem, the way of writing, all is expressing sincere feelings coming from your heart.

 

In this poem, yes maybe Tink is right about the name. But also it is not wrong to include, but the reasons what she pointed out are true. Maybe I would do the same with the name, not including bc I like it more without. It' s sounds more deep and effective. But as I said it is not wrong if it stays, Look at Pablo Neruda's poems when he writes ab Matilde...he includes the name. So both ways are just fine.

 

I like too the comparatives of "divorce" with "death". It makes sense a lot.

 

Victor I am happy to see you writing and productive on this field. All who was commenting in the topic ab writer's block went out of it, except me I stayed alone , ahh come onnn some help ??? I am jealous

 

I'm joking Keep writing Vic

 

Aleksandra

[tonyv]

I personally like these lines from the first version:

Larsen M. Callirhoe wrote:

 

but now you are dead and gone

because that is what divorce feels like.

I can feel it.

 

Tony