Boston from where I sit

[JoelJosol]

----------------- Revision 2 ------------------

 

I-93, red and orange, leaves shift, fall

with the breeze, cool, warm, between them

the early light speeds like cars against

a morning sky, a golden dome, where freedom trails

a youthful smile, the pavement under shades

of trees, the coffee cup, bagel, in open air

the turnpike, to say good-bye to clam chowder

to Denny’s, to autumn, red trees, red socks

the red, bloodied earth, and to a hundred

pairs of feet.

 

----------------- Revision 1 ------------------

 

I-93, red and orange, leaves shifting, falling

with the breeze, cool, warm, early light

from sun rays speeding like cars against

the morning sky, the golden dome, where freedom trails

the youthful smile, the pavement under shades

of trees, the coffee cup, the bagel, in open air

the turnpike, to say good-bye to clam chowder

to Denny’s, to autumn, red trees, red socks

the red, bloodied earth, soon snow-filled mountains

and to a hundred pairs of feet.

 

----------------- Original -------------------

I-93, red and orange, leaves shifting, falling

with the breeze, cool, warm, early light

from sun rays, speed past like darts against

the morning sky, the golden dome, the freedom trail,

the youthful smile, the pavement under shades

of trees, the coffee cup, the bagel, in open air,

the turnpike, to say good-bye to clam chowder,

to Denny’s, to autumn, red trees, red socks,

the red, bloodied earth, soon snow-filled mountains,

and to hundred pairs of feet.

[Gatekeeper]

Interesting allusions, tho I think, not knowing Boston, I miss a couple.

And the last line? One hundred, two hundred???

[dr_con]

JJ,

 

A timely and well composed perspective. It grows on me as I re-read. Crystal clear and enjoyable!

 

Juris

[JoelJosol]

Thanks, DC. Glad that you enjoyed it.

 

I have made some minor revisions.

[Tinker]

Hi Joel, You lived in Boston for a while didn't you? I just remember you mentioning you were a Laker fan in Boston at one time. That had to have been dangerous. I've never been to Boston but I your imagery reflects what I have imagined it to be like and it is really quite beautiful. I like the way you incorporated the fall colors and the baseball team colors and the blood stains. The various hues of red. Reading I hear a genuine fondness for the city. Really nice..

 

~~Tink

[Benjamin]

A topical/univeral reminder of the fragility of things we value in an increasingly uncertain world.

[JoelJosol]

Thank you, Benjamin. Yes, indeed, the fragility of things.

 

I did another round of trimming, to improve the rhythm and bring a strong conclusion.

[badger11]

Good revision JJ. Still vivid, but tighter. 'freedom' is still, for me, an unnecessary abstract.

 

badge

[JoelJosol]

Badge, it's a play on the word 'Freedom Trail' which is a tourist attraction in Boston :-)