Benjamin Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Beyond the droning town and mocking boys with mountain bikes and aerosols. The deaf man led his placid gypsy horse. Between a rubbish tip and high-banked railway tracks. Along the frog-spawned dyke: laid green like some old fetid moat. Past world-war concrete plinths, devoid of guns; long overgrown with masks of bramble and tall grass. Oblivious of crowded trains that screamed to who knows where. They walked into the cattle arch's mouth and vanished: through a portal of sunlight, to saner pastures on the other side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 masks of bramble and tall grass VERY evocative and clear! "Saner pastures".....there is a tone to this poem! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 O yes 'painting a picture with words.' Clear as a bell a wonderful reflection on modernity, I'l see the ringing for a long time. just lovely! Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 Thanks dcmarti and Juris for reading and leaving comment. I'd originally intended to depict this over two ten line stanzas of blank verse; using conversational iambic rhythms in conjunction with suggestive imagery.. to create a hypnotic mood. I woke up at line 12. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 A lovely sense of time B., though no doubt all times have their insanity and hectic edge. I enjoyed your picture of escape. cheers badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 G, you're a master with this kind of thing. The image in my head is so amazingly clear. Send me just a small snippet of 'saner pastures', please. Simply beautiful. t Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Hi Geoff, Nice blank verse. A slice of life unfolds before us in images that flow into one another. Thanks. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted May 18, 2013 Author Share Posted May 18, 2013 Thanks to all for your comments. I wasn't sure about using the phrase "The mute man" for though more subtle and politically correct, it seems less offensive than the dated "deaf and dumb". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 G, I agree with you, but keep in mind, not all who are mute, are also deaf. Perhaps you might replace 'man' with 'mute', which I do not believe is politically incorrect, or even unkind, just the fact; "...his horse..." would cover the mc's gender. Or even, 'the deaf and mute man'. Just a couple ideas. mq Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks for the feedback mq. I mulled this over "mute" or "deaf" to connect more strongly with "mocking boys" in the previous line and "Oblivious....." etc: in lines 9&10. G. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Love the way you "disappeared" them! Nice work. Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 I liked mute, a poignant contrast to those that waste their vocal gifts. The deafness could have been an elaboration in another line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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