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Benjamin

Mad Dog Lane

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Benjamin

Beyond the droning town and mocking boys

with mountain bikes and aerosols. The deaf

man led his placid gypsy horse. Between

a rubbish tip and high-banked railway tracks.

Along the frog-spawned dyke: laid green like some

old fetid moat. Past world-war concrete plinths,

devoid of guns; long overgrown with masks

of bramble and tall grass. Oblivious

of crowded trains that screamed to who knows where.

They walked into the cattle arch's mouth

and vanished: through a portal of sunlight,

to saner pastures on the other side.

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dcmarti1

masks of bramble and tall grass

 

VERY evocative and clear! "Saner pastures".....there is a tone to this poem!

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dr_con

O yes 'painting a picture with words.' Clear as a bell a wonderful reflection on modernity, I'l see the ringing for a long time. just lovely!

 

 

Juris


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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Benjamin

Thanks dcmarti and Juris for reading and leaving comment.

I'd originally intended to depict this over two ten line stanzas of blank verse; using conversational iambic rhythms in conjunction with suggestive imagery.. to create a hypnotic mood. I woke up at line 12. :biggrin:

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badger11

A lovely sense of time B., though no doubt all times have their insanity and hectic edge. I enjoyed your picture of escape.

 

cheers

 

badge

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moonqueen

G, you're a master with this kind of thing. The image in my head is so amazingly clear. Send me just a small snippet of 'saner pastures', please.

 

Simply beautiful.

 

t

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Benjamin

Thanks to all for your comments. I wasn't sure about using the phrase "The mute man" for though more subtle and politically correct, it seems less offensive than the dated "deaf and dumb".

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moonqueen

G, I agree with you, but keep in mind, not all who are mute, are also deaf. Perhaps you might replace 'man' with 'mute', which I do not believe is politically incorrect, or even unkind, just the fact; "...his horse..." would cover the mc's gender. Or even, 'the deaf and mute man'. Just a couple ideas. mq

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Benjamin

Thanks for the feedback mq. I mulled this over "mute" or "deaf" to connect more strongly with "mocking boys" in the previous line and "Oblivious....." etc: in lines 9&10. G.

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Gatekeeper

Love the way you "disappeared" them! Nice work.


from the black desert

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badger11

I liked mute, a poignant contrast to those that waste their vocal gifts. The deafness could have been an elaboration in another line.

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