Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
tonyv

Goodbye

Recommended Posts

tonyv

Again, your open door -- the softer light
my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives
me; I won't see you any more. Tonight,
even the universe, together, grieves
while watching us through our divided windows.
Far from summer introductions, leaves
in nearby Massachusetts fall from willows,
approach across the marshes and the meadows,
drop to the path, and cover up our shadows.


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Benjamin

It's a pleasure to read skilfully metered verse that is unencumbered of linguistic obfuscation. The piece (a Rainis Sonnet) is concise: the text lucid through enjambments, with rhymes that are unobtrusive. Your imagery is gentle and the sentiment is universal. Much enjoyed. Geoff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

hi Tony,

The loveliness of the expression, almost a wrapping that masks the loss and distance, like those leaves covering the shadows. Beautiful writing.

 

badge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tinker

Hi Tony, This is simply heartbreakingly beautiful. The sorrow seeps into the soul of the reader. It brought tears to my eyes. The meter and form are spot on. But mostly this touches me.

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

It's a pleasure to read skilfully metered verse that is unencumbered of linguistic obfuscation. The piece (a Rainis Sonnet) is concise: the text lucid through enjambments, with rhymes that are unobtrusive. Your imagery is gentle and the sentiment is universal. Much enjoyed. Geoff.

 

Thank you, Geoff. Yes, this is a Rainis sonnet. I love the form and have written a few of them, maybe four or five. I appreciate your thoughtful remarks and am glad you liked the poem.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

hi Tony,

The loveliness of the expression, almost a wrapping that masks the loss and distance, like those leaves covering the shadows. Beautiful writing.

 

badge

 

Thank you, Badge. I like your wrapping characteristic. Loss and distance -- that's what I wanted to get across. We all know that leaves can't really cover shadows -- the shadows would merely be superimposed upon the leaves -- but the shadows are gone, and there it is.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Hi Tony, This is simply heartbreakingly beautiful. The sorrow seeps into the soul of the reader. It brought tears to my eyes. The meter and form are spot on. But mostly this touches me.

 

~~Tink

 

And thank you, Tinker. I'm glad this poem moved you. It makes me kind of sad, too.

 

Thanks, as always, for the Reference section. I would have never known about the Rainis Sonnet were it not for all the forms you've catalogued. I believe PMO's terrific group of writer-participants and unique, unmatched Reference section are what really set it apart from all the other forums out there.

 

Tony

 

 

PS - PM sent. Sorry for the late reply. :blush:


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fdelano

Quite a mood piece with a flow like a funeral dirge. Obviously much thought in word choice. I read 'shadows' as mental darkness or as in following someone. Also reads like one in isolation of mind. Just my impressions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Quite a mood piece with a flow like a funeral dirge. Obviously much thought in word choice.

 

Thanks, Franklin. Word choice is really imprtant to me. It has to be, because my poems are so short.

 

I read 'shadows' as mental darkness or as in following someone. Also reads like one in isolation of mind. Just my impressions.

 

Interesting take. Hadn't considered that, but I'm glad it worked on that level, too.

 

Tony

 


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Hmmmm. Changed a word and may change it again. Replaced "ground" with "walk." What I really mean is "concrete driveway/walkway near a doorstep/threshold." Am considering "step" or "steps."


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Having some other thoughts ... Considering changing the last four lines to past tense:

 

 

Again, your open door -- the softer light

my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives

me; I won't see you any more. Tonight,

even the universe, together, grieves

while watching us through our divided windows.

Farther from summer introductions, leaves

in nearby Massachusetts fell from willows,

approached across the marshes and their mallows,

dropped to the walk, and covered up our shadows.

 

 

Also, I really like "farther from," but am considering other options: "away from," "in spite of," etc.

 

Not sure what I'll do yet ...


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fdelano

May I suggest 'far from' and 'path'?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

May I suggest 'far from' and 'path'?

I love "far" and will adopt that right away -- thank you. Had considered "path" -- it works very well for the poem -- but I'll hold off on that. I might keep "walk," or I might not, but I will change the last four lines to the past tense.

 

Thanks for coming back to the poem. "Far" solves a lot for me with this.

 

Tony

 

 

Original:

 

Again, your open door -- the softer light

my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives

me; I won't see you any more. Tonight,

even the universe, together, grieves

while watching us through our divided windows.

Farther from summer introductions, leaves

in nearby Massachusetts fall from willows,

approach across the marshes and their mallows,

drop to the walk, and cover up our shadows.

 

(Revised version in Post #1)


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Yes, Franklin, I think you're right. "Path" is an easy fix, and the payoff's there for the reader. I'll replace "walk" with "path," but I'll still remember what I meant: "concrete driveway/walkway near a doorstep/threshold," lol.

 

Thanks again,

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fdelano

Not giving up. Perhaps hard path or cobbled path? Cobbled infers other circumstances.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Not giving up. Perhaps hard path or cobbled path? Cobbled infers other circumstances.

 

 

Nah, I think it's good. "Path" is where it's at. There's the physical path, and then there's the metaphorical path, the path we were on, the one we could/should have been on, etc. I like it. It's the reader who matters ...

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fdelano

Nah. I'm the only reader that matters. lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Frank E Gibbard

I like to try and keep an eye on your poetry Tony and will comment if I can and if feeling lucid enough to comment at least meaninfully. This one of yours, a comparative rarity in view of your own commenting in depth and frequency on others is pretty pitch perfect in poignancy & well deserves the plaudits above & now from little old me. All the better for being select of course. Not too analytical as usual though you know its objective strengths in a form unknown to me but certainly reads sonically in a personal voice which is appreciable. Kudos in conclusion. Frank oh I just realised I never read the amendment will do so now. TTFN.

Frank.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Benjamin

I prefer the original tense as "fell" in particular is more solid: it may reflect the narrators personal mind-set, but loses a gentle avenue of metaphor that "fall" and the present tense provides for the reader to speculate-- it also detracts from a reader's sense of 'being there'--- but that's just finicky me..... :smile: Geoff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

I like to try and keep an eye on your poetry Tony and will comment if I can and if feeling lucid enough to comment at least meaninfully. This one of yours, a comparative rarity in view of your own commenting in depth and frequency on others is pretty pitch perfect in poignancy & well deserves the plaudits above & now from little old me. All the better for being select of course. Not too analytical as usual though you know its objective strengths in a form unknown to me but certainly reads sonically in a personal voice which is appreciable. Kudos in conclusion.

 

Thanks, Frank, for your read and kind reply. I appreciate it, and it always means a lot to me.

 

... oh I just realised I never read the amendment will do so now ...

I like to keep the most up-to-date version in the first post of the topic.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

I prefer the original tense as "fell" in particular is more solid: it may reflect the narrators personal mind-set, but loses a gentle avenue of metaphor that "fall" and the present tense provides for the reader to speculate-- it also detracts from a reader's sense of 'being there'--- but that's just finicky me..... :smile: Geoff.

 

Thanks, Geoff, for coming back ot this. I, too, very much prefer the present tense for the reasons you've stated. I only changed it to the past tense because it made more sense chronologically. I would like to change it back to present tense, but I don't want to change/re-work the order of the lines. If I analyze the orginal what I have is this:

 

1. I won't see you any more.

 

2. Universe grieves/watches us through separate windows implying already apart, won't see any more as stated in point one.

 

3. Leaves approach and fall on path to cover up shadows implying a) somehow still together in that moment; and/or b) shadows are still there, but now even they are in the process of disappearing.

 

 

Present tense:

 

 

Again, your open door -- the softer light

my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives

me; I won't see you any more. Tonight,

even the universe, together, grieves

while watching us through our divided windows.

Far from summer introductions, leaves

in nearby Massachusetts fall from willows,

approach across the marshes and their mallows,

drop to the path, and cover up our shadows.

 

 

I'd like to put it back to the more powerful present tense. I think it intensifies the poem and somehow makes a more cohesive "moment." Do you think it's okay with the chronological issues I mentioned? I mean it is poetry after all, and we're allowed such liberties, right? :biggrin:

 

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

(Geoff, I got your reply -- thank you. It came in the form of an email and didn't post to the board.)

Anyway, Geoff wrote:

Hi Tony. Yes I think this poem works fine in the present tense with the chronological issues you stated-- "it is poetry after all" -- and the appreciative reader still requires the courtesy of having a little imaginative work to do :-) I usually find it difficult going back to my own poems after a while without wanting to make amendments. The problem (with short pieces in particular though) is that changing a word or phrase can alter the overall original essence and the problems snowball. Regards. Geoff.


That's all I needed, Geoff. I'm putting the last four lines back into the present tense.

Thanks again,

Tony :happy:


(finished product in post #1)


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dr_con

Tony,

 

When I was phasing out the original crept past my eyes in my 'poetry folder' it deserved a deeper commentary than I was capable of @ the time. So I agree with all of the positive commentary (of the original) BUT having said that, the revision which I read today induced a profound sense of sadness and 'being there' that the original did not.

 

I absolutely adore this.

 

Juris


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Tony,

 

When I was phasing out the original crept past my eyes in my 'poetry folder' it deserved a deeper commentary than I was capable of @ the time. So I agree with all of the positive commentary (of the original) BUT having said that, the revision which I read today induced a profound sense of sadness and 'being there' that the original did not.

 

I absolutely adore this.

 

Juris

 

Thank you, Juris. I know you're not crazy about the rhyming, metrical stuff, but that's what I like to write, and your thoughts on this one mean a lot to me.

 

Tony :happy:


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.