25/8 & 366

[dcmarti1]

First version

 

I did not plant them but I
Did not kill them: hanging
Baskets of pink petunias
Against a blue imitation cottage.

I did not bury them but I
Want to know them: buried
And scripted beneath stone or metal,
Just bytes on my camera.

I did not plan this but I
Write to subdue this: living
Back where I was raised,
Still unable to utter “home”.

 

Second version

 

I did not plant them but I
have not killed them: hanging
Baskets of pink petunias
Against a blue imitation cottage.

I did not bury them but I
Want to remember them: buried
And scripted beneath stone or metal,
Just bytes on my camera.

I did not plan this but I
Write to subdue it: living
Back where I was raised,
Still unable to utter “home”.

 

(Still not sure about that "it".....)

[dr_con]

I love the rhythm of this... The swaying back and forth... Evoked Basho's Kyoto for me where even while sitting in Kyoto he misses Kyoto, something about the elusiveness of home and the need to define it primarily by its negative.

 

Enjoyed greatly!

 

Juris

[Benjamin]

Nicely scripted piece-- reminds me of that opening line to L.P. Hartley's book "The Go-between".. "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there." Much enjoyed. G.

[dcmarti1]

Elusiveness! Yes, much better than "a self-pity party"! Glad you enjoyed, and thanks.

 

 

I love the rhythm of this... The swaying back and forth... Evoked Basho's Kyoto for me where even while sitting in Kyoto he misses Kyoto, something about the elusiveness of home and the need to define it primarily by its negative.

Enjoyed greatly!

Juris

[dcmarti1]

Thanks, and glad you enjoyed. That phrase sounds familiar, but that name does not. I will have to look him up. Thanks again.

 

Nicely scripted piece-- reminds me of that opening line to L.P. Hartley's book "The Go-between".. "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there." Much enjoyed. G.

[David W. Parsley]

Yes, the phrase sounds familiar, but from a source unfamiliar to me also, Marti. As usual, Geoff's insight is quite apropos. It is an oddity of literature that the opening line of a book can be a work unto itself. This poem seems to be comprised of several such lines. And of course one can't help but also think of the Thomas Wolfe line: "You can't go home again."

 

 

Thanks, and glad you enjoyed. That phrase sounds familiar, but that name does not. I will have to look him up. Thanks again.

 

Nicely scripted piece-- reminds me of that opening line to L.P. Hartley's book "The Go-between".. "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there." Much enjoyed. G.

 

 

I am still assimilating this piece (and the comment by doc). Don't be surprised if I come back to comment again. Be sure I will come back to re-read.

 

Thank You (I think),

- Dave

[David W. Parsley]

I first read it yesterday and it is hard to break from this poem. The middle stanza perplexes me with doubt as to my interpretation of its meaning. I'll tease it out.

 

One complaint, if I may? The two incidences of "this" in the last stanza - can that be revisited?

 

- Dave Again

[dcmarti1]

The second stanza is cryptic, I admit. It is actually about something I have started doing.....something that a friend of mine does because she is so interested in ancestry and genealogy. She takes photos of graves/tombs and posts them at findagrave.com web site. I have found my great grandparents' graves there.....

 

I might need to make that a little more clear, somehow, without changing the PHYSICAL structure. All the stanzas are four lines, and each stanza is its own "topic". (Call me anal retentive.....)

 

With respect to "this" twice.....I used "them" twice in the other stanzas and I kinda like the alliteration, and repetition. Perhaps I could use "it" instead of a second "this".....I dunno.

 

Thanks as always for reading.....Hope you're well.

 

I first read it yesterday and it is hard to break from this poem. The middle stanza perplexes me with doubt as to my interpretation of its meaning. I'll tease it out.

 

One complaint, if I may? The two incidences of "this" in the last stanza - can that be revisited?

 

- Dave Again

[badger11]

hi Marti

 

Like the patterns in the poem and the lines have weight and resonance. Some edit thoughts:

 

I did not plant them but I
Did not kill them: hanging
Baskets of pink petunias
Against a blue imitation cottage.......................imitation is telling the reader, a way of showing this?

 

The title may be too cold to invite the general reader.

 

I found the poem a pleasure to read, the form locked me in to ponder the content.

 

 

all the best

 

Phil

[dcmarti1]

Ah, "show, don't tell!". Yes. Hmm. That might take me a bit to replace "imitation".....again, hmm. ;)

 

I'll think. Thanks for reading!

 

 

hi Marti

 

Like the patterns in the poem and the lines have weight and resonance. Some edit thoughts:

 

I did not plant them but I
Did not kill them: hanging
Baskets of pink petunias
Against a blue imitation cottage.......................imitation is telling the reader, a way of showing this?

 

The title may be too cold to invite the general reader.

 

I found the poem a pleasure to read, the form locked me in to ponder the content.

 

 

all the best

 

Phil

[David W. Parsley]

 

Ah, "show, don't tell!". Yes. Hmm. That might take me a bit to replace "imitation".....again, hmm. ;)

 

I'll think. Thanks for reading!

 

 

hi Marti

 

Like the patterns in the poem and the lines have weight and resonance. Some edit thoughts:

 

I did not plant them but I

Did not kill them: hanging

Baskets of pink petunias

Against a blue imitation cottage.......................imitation is telling the reader, a way of showing this?

 

The title may be too cold to invite the general reader.

 

I found the poem a pleasure to read, the form locked me in to ponder the content.

 

 

all the best

 

Phil

 

I agree with badge on all counts. The title is something I have been chewing on and I think it has possibilities outside this poem. I finally figured out that it has to do with a life that is currently filled to bursting with obligations that cannot be met: 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 366 days a year. But this arises more from a personal interest I take in the narrator than in the warp and woof of the poem itself. (One connection I was toying with addresses the ambiguity of 366, which could also be degrees of rotation, as if there is more to take in than can be accounted for. I may have over-thought that point.)

 

I really, really like the brevity and symmetry of this piece, the originality of the observations. But I wonder if it would benefit from an additional 2nd or 3rd stanza, just for a little more explication. But it already appeals to me greatly, so, don't screw it up either... ;-)

 

- Dave

 

P.S. I also am not sure about that 'it' but 'this' didn't work the way I would want it to, either. :-/

[dcmarti1]

Too much thinking: the 366 wasn't degrees of rotation IN MY MIND, but your point & thought is valid.

 

I thank you for liking the brevity. I might toy with making things a little more CLEAR, but I really don't wanna add to it. I might leave it for a bit and come back to it....I'm editing, in modern spelling, a book in the publich domain: the 1712 "Restoration of All Things" by a UNIVERSALIST Puritan Jeremiah White; the Chaplain to Cromwell himself. Look for it on your Amazon shelf next year! haha

 

Thanks for your interest. And, when applicable, send us more video links of your readings.....

 

**********

Dave wrote:

I agree with badge on all counts. The title is something I have been chewing on and I think it has possibilities outside this poem. I finally figured out that it has to do with a life that is currently filled to bursting with obligations that cannot be met: 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 366 days a year. But this arises more from a personal interest I take in the narrator than in the warp and woof of the poem itself. (One connection I was toying with addresses the ambiguity of 366, which could also be degrees of rotation, as if there is more to take in than can be accounted for. I may have over-thought that point.)

 

I really, really like the brevity and symmetry of this piece, the originality of the observations. But I wonder if it would benefit from an additional 2nd or 3rd stanza, just for a little more explication. But it already appeals to me greatly, so, don't screw it up either... ;-)

 

- Dave

 

P.S. I also am not sure about that 'it' but 'this' didn't work the way I would want it to, either. :-/