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dcmarti1

35 minutes to Coimbra

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dcmarti1

Version 2

 

New blue paint seeps into old Texas wood;
caulk and compound attempt
to smooth out imperfections of 50 years;
new window frames are primed,
hurriedly, before the rains are due to arrive;
ladders and cans and brushes and rags
are staged for the next day's labor
onto an already cluttered porch:
all of these steadily revive
the house, its street, and its city,
but there will always be
the never attained terrace house at Mayenne
that is, of course, in shambles,
on the Quai de la Republique,
or the even more ancient and ruined cottage
a mere 35 minutes to Coimbra.

 

Version 1

 

As new blue paint seeps into old Texas wood;
as caulk and compound attempt
to smooth out imperfections of 50 years;
as new window frames are primed,
hurriedly, before the rains are due to arrive;
as ladders and cans and brushes and rags
are staged for the next day's labor
onto an already cluttered porch:
as all of these steadily revive
the house, its street, and its city,
for its occupant there will always be
the never attained terrace house at Mayenne
that is, of course, in shambles,
on the Quai de la Republique,
or the even more ancient and ruined cottage
a mere 35 minutes to Coimbra.

 

Maybe TMI for poetrymagnumopus, but here is the link to the house painting album at picasaweb, open for viewing on the Inter-web:

 

https://picasaweb.google.com/111642704036170561280/2015_Painting

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dedalus

I thought I was in the American Midwest until the names of places put a stop to my gallop! I'm not too sure about the use of "as" as the first word in 5 of 16 lines, but the poem does create a sort of visual picture, withdrawing to wide angle from an initial close-up view.


Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim

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dcmarti1

Point about the midwest taken: I added the word "Texas" to delineate where the house is that is being painted. Thanks.

 

As to the use of "as", I appreciate your concern, but when I don't rhyme, alliterate, or assonate (are those even verbs? haha) I like to repeat. I have a formality in me that won't go away, but I'll never be Milton nor Marlowe. ;)

 

I liked your last piece!!

 

 

I thought I was in the American Midwest until the names of places put a stop to my gallop! I'm not too sure about the use of "as" as the first word in 5 of 16 lines, but the poem does create a sort of visual picture, withdrawing to wide angle from an initial close-up view.

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Benjamin

I can't relate to the place names, but do appreciate the description of renovations, that usually signify major changes in ones life. Rather like shedding a metaphorical skin and moving on. Bearing in mind the previous comments; I'd say.. perhaps the piece is best served when read aloud.

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dcmarti1

The subtle and mayhaps too well hidden intent was here:

 

for its occupant there will always be
the never attained terrace house

 

Yearning and not getting, even in the face of good changes. I am still "working out" being back here in Texas. France and Portugal are pretty far in distance and culture from here, trust me. Even being only 5 miles from Louisiana, the Cajun culture is a bit diff than a Euro-Franco one.

 

I should be posting the finished pics of the house at picasaweb, which anyone can look at. I will add it to the bottom of the poem portion of the page.....

 

 

 

I can't relate to the place names, but do appreciate the description of renovations, that usually signify major changes in ones life. Rather like shedding a metaphorical skin and moving on. Bearing in mind the previous comments; I'd say.. perhaps the piece is best served when read aloud.

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Tinker

Hi Marti, Your word painting matched the real thing. I love that such a simple, work a day task can be recreated into poetry. And the transition from the humble reality to the grand dream was a perfect parallel.

I have to admit the "as" repetition caught my eye too. When I first started writing, I was called on my over use and often misuse of the word. Consequently I avoid it like the plague. I wish I could remember the definition of the misuse, however I do remember being told "as" is very commonly misused in speach by Americans. :wub: I looked up the word "as" to refresh my memory and I gave up reading all that small print.... Such a tiny word takes up an entire page in my Shorter Oxford English Dictionary.

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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dcmarti1

Yay, you're back!

 

Thanks for reading. I might have to revisit this, but I need some repeating word/phrase about the stages of work.....for emphasis. Even though the house is in far better shape now, what I don't have and where I am NOT are driving me batty. :)

 

Take care!

 

Hi Marti, Your word painting matched the real thing. I love that such a simple, work a day task can be recreated into poetry. And the transition from the humble reality to the grand dream was a perfect parallel.

I have to admit the "as" repetition caught my eye too. When I first started writing, I was called on my over use and often misuse of the word. Consequently I avoid it like the plague. I wish I could remember the definition of the misuse, however I do remember being told "as" is very commonly misused in speach by Americans. :wub: I looked up the word "as" to refresh my memory and I gave up reading all that small print.... Such a tiny word takes up an entire page in my Shorter Oxford English Dictionary.

~~Tink

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badger11

 

As new blue paint seeps into old Texas wood

 

I think that is a lovely opening line Marti

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dcmarti1

A blushing Thank You.

 

 

 

As new blue paint seeps into old Texas wood

 

I think that is a lovely opening line Marti

 

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Benjamin

Your revision gives the poem a more 'settled' and positive aspect. The overused "as".. left me with a transient feeling.. the difference perhaps between hoping and knowing. G.

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David W. Parsley

Agreed, the revision is a tighter production. There is a certain "found" quality to the poem that is very appealing, laying traps of self-realization and acknowledged mutability, in the accomplishment of apparently mundane tasks.

 

Thanks Marti,

- Dave

 

P.S. And, yes, very nice to have Tinker back on the board sharing her inimitable insights!

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tonyv

The revision is terrific. I especially like the mention of "the rains" and how the tools of the trade "are staged for the next day's labor."

 

I loved the pictures, too. And what have you been grumbling about?!? That looks like a fine place to write! :tongue: Then again, I do tend to romanticize things... :rolleyes:

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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dcmarti1

I guess a "writing cottage" is romantic, but I had more inspiration in urban DC. ;)

 

I'm glad you guys dragged a revision out of me. Thanks!

 

The revision is terrific. I especially like the mention of "the rains" and how the tools of the trade "are staged for the next day's labor."

 

I loved the pictures, too. And what have you been grumbling about?!? That looks like a fine place to write! :tongue: Then again, I do tend to romanticize things... :rolleyes:

 

Tony

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