JoelJosol Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 ---- alternative version ---- The sunlight breaks through glass, to warm me up like this laptop. But, how can I be any warmer without you, missing like a WiFi link, from it? ---- original ---- The sun's rays break into the glass right through my eyes, the table bouncing the light to bowed heads as if in prayer, missing a WiFi link as I do you. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Very interesting poem Joel. I am surprised how this poem include clear imageries and expressions and at same time, so deep and not so easy. I love how it flows this poem. Very poetical and nice usage of WiFi . Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Hello JoelJosol, How adeptly your poem uses images of a moment to distill these into that of longing! I like the juxtaposition in: bowed heads as if in prayer, And: missing a WiFi link A wee nit pick - should 'bouncing' not be 'bounces' to tally with the 'break'? As always, do feel free to ignore my point if you find it of little help. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Hi Joel, I agree with Golden's word "adeptly". It's an image based poem and I like the comparison at the end. missing a WiFi link as I do you. Enjoyable read. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Thank you, friends. I was bored in the airport. I was just looking at the sun getting higher from the horizon. When it hit the table of people working with their laptops at the WiFi area, the poem just popped out of my head. GL, 'bouncing' worked with 'missing' because of their subordination to the main verb 'break'. That's why. Lake, thank you for noting the parallelism. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank E Gibbard Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Nice mix of old and modern. Frank Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Thank you, Frank, for noting the mix. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 I tried a new version. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Joel, I can't decide which is better. Maybe the first impression is the strongest? I like some expressions in V1 better than V2. For example, I prefer The sun's rays break to The sun's rays shine and as I do you to with thoughts of you I think the expressions in V1 are more original to me? Just a thought. Others may disagree. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Lake, I agree with you. I finally found a solution to the original weakness (link between sunlight and laptop). Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Hello again, I like your original version because you give the reader the chance to engage with it in a variety of ways, each in our own. The revised version 'tells' the reader all and for me this takes away that haunting resonance of the poem, that it may mean so many different things. As ever, this is only an opinion for you to consider as you see fit. But wonderful writing! goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 I like the original version too. The alternative version's impact is nowhere near the first. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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