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JoelJosol

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JoelJosol

---- alternative version ----

 

The sunlight

breaks through glass,

 

to warm me up

like this laptop.

 

But, how can I be

any warmer

 

without you,

missing

 

like a WiFi link,

from it?

 

 

 

---- original ----

The sun's rays

break into the glass

 

right through

my eyes,

 

the table

bouncing the light

 

to bowed heads

as if in prayer,

 

missing

a WiFi link

 

as I do

you.


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Aleksandra

Very interesting poem Joel. I am surprised how this poem include clear imageries and expressions and at same time, so deep and not so easy.

 

I love how it flows this poem. Very poetical and nice usage of WiFi .

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Hello JoelJosol,

 

How adeptly your poem uses images of a moment to distill these into that of longing! I like the juxtaposition in:

 

bowed heads

as if in prayer,

 

And:

 

missing

a WiFi link

 

A wee nit pick - should 'bouncing' not be 'bounces' to tally with the 'break'? As always, do feel free to ignore my point if you find it of little help.

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Lake

Hi Joel,

 

I agree with Golden's word "adeptly". It's an image based poem and I like the comparison at the end.

 

missing

a WiFi link

 

as I do

you.

 

Enjoyable read.

 

Lake

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JoelJosol

Thank you, friends.

 

I was bored in the airport. I was just looking at the sun getting higher from the horizon. When it hit the table of people working with their laptops at the WiFi area, the poem just popped out of my head.

 

GL, 'bouncing' worked with 'missing' because of their subordination to the main verb 'break'. That's why.

 

Lake, thank you for noting the parallelism.


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Frank E Gibbard

Nice mix of old and modern. Frank

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JoelJosol

Thank you, Frank, for noting the mix.


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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JoelJosol

I tried a new version.


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Lake

Joel,

 

I can't decide which is better. Maybe the first impression is the strongest? I like some expressions in V1 better than V2. For example, I prefer

 

The sun's rays

break

 

to

 

The sun's rays

shine

 

and

 

as I do

you

 

to

 

with thoughts

of you

 

I think the expressions in V1 are more original to me? Just a thought. Others may disagree.

 

Lake

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JoelJosol

Lake, I agree with you. I finally found a solution to the original weakness (link between sunlight and laptop).


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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goldenlangur

Hello again,

 

I like your original version because you give the reader the chance to engage with it in a variety of ways, each in our own. The revised version 'tells' the reader all and for me this takes away that haunting resonance of the poem, that it may mean so many different things.

 

As ever, this is only an opinion for you to consider as you see fit.

 

 

But wonderful writing!

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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JoelJosol

I like the original version too. The alternative version's impact is nowhere near the first.


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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