dcmarti1 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 frost on the shinglesas the lazy sun sloughs offnight's velvet mantle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Hi Marty, This is a beautiful image. I'm guessing from a previous comment you made that you are distracted by current events and haven't been writing a lot of poetry lately and it looks like you did what I do when I am trying to keep connected to my writing, you wrote a haiku. And I want to rewrite your haiku. I hope it's ok to play here. But, my study of haiku repeatedly shows Image Extension of that image Parallel image that reveals the human condition Given these steps your poem is upside down. Night's velvet mantle Sloughed off by the lazy sun Frost clings to shingles Don't be mad at me Marty, you know I love your poetry, this was just too much for me to resist. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Like it Marti. Fluid writing. all the best Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Of course you can mess around with my haiku. :) Current events and my new part-time job (but that is a good thing). I'll never recover to DC finances, but at least I'm OUT of the mil industrial complex. Hired as a docent at a museum. Glad you're still here. Hi Marty, This is a beautiful image. I'm guessing from a previous comment you made that you are distracted by current events and haven't been writing a lot of poetry lately and it looks like you did what I do when I am trying to keep connected to my writing, you wrote a haiku.And I want to rewrite your haiku. I hope it's ok to play here. But, my study of haiku repeatedly showsImageExtension of that imageParallel image that reveals the human conditionGiven these steps your poem is upside down.Night's velvet mantleSloughed off by the lazy sunFrost clings to shinglesDon't be mad at me Marty, you know I love your poetry, this was just too much for me to resist.~~Tink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Thank you. And congrats on your recent publications. Like it Marti. Fluid writing. all the best Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Museum docent, how interesting. Every city I visit I try to check out the museums. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Congrats on the docent position, Marti. I'd like to hear how you got it sometime! (Something after retirement in a couple years...) On the haiku, I like Tink's commentary about how the best ones develop image and theme. I would also posit that the form is resistant to adjective and personification, so "lazy sun" rings a little false for this reader. So does "night's velvet mantle," as a personification that outsizes the poem. But I really like the way this poem feels, or is trying to feel. The frosted shingle image is perfect, a true haiku phrase. Thanks! - Dave P.S. I'll add my congratulations for Badger, too! He's leading the publication way for all of us! Nice going! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.