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Tinker

Awe

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Tinker

Revision
Awe  

The Pacific melts
into the west,
a wash of greens and blues
blurring the horizon
until the sun slides down
all orange and red and gold
streaking the sky,
reflecting off of the sea.
It is then I can see
Heaven's gates
open.

Judi Van Gorder


Awe

The Pacific melts into the west,
a wash of greens and blues
blurring the horizon
until the sun slides down
all orange and red and gold
streaking the sky,
reflecting off of the sea.
It is then you can almost see
Heaven's gates.
                    ~~ Judi Van Gorder


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv

Judi, it sounds like a lovely place to call home. I know it's like that also for my sister in SoCal.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Perhaps you could go for the definite option...

 

Quote
Quote

It is then I can see

Heaven's gate

open

 

Just a thought...your poem certainly conjures the picture!

badge

Quote
Quote

 

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Tinker

Thank you Badge, not just for the idea but for showing me how to take the poem the next step.  It never occurred to me.  

This was a simple exercise in writing a burst of color.  The poem is not my finest but it accomplished the assignment.  And I shared one of my favorite things about living on the coast, experiencing the sunset.  Now with a rewrite I think it has more depth.

~~Tink

PS I'm not usually a fan of centering on the page but for this poem, I think it fits.  


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11
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PS I'm not usually a fan of centering on the page but for this poem, I think it fits.

Indeed it does!

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Tinker

Sorry Tony, I wasn't ignoring your comment. I really appreciate when you acknowledge that you read my work and saw something to connect to. Here in the north we have spectacular sunsets but they are often obscured by the fog. In So Ca it seem they are every night but not quite as brilliant as here in the north. Maybe because when there I am at my son's who lives in the high dessert, it little further inland. He can see the sunset but he can't see the ocean. ~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Liz Mastin
On 7/22/2017 at 11:21 PM, Tinker said:

Revision
Awe  

The Pacific melts
into the west,
a wash of greens and blues
blurring the horizon
until the sun slides down
all orange and red and gold
streaking the sky,
reflecting off of the sea.
It is then I can see
Heaven's gates
open.

Judi Van Gorder


Awe

The Pacific melts into the west,
a wash of greens and blues
blurring the horizon
until the sun slides down
all orange and red and gold
streaking the sky,
reflecting off of the sea.
It is then you can almost see
Heaven's gates.
                    ~~ Judi Van Gorder

I think l prefer the first writing, with the longer lines, as it fits with the wideness of the setting: a wide sea, a spreading "wash of blues and greens", "orange, red and gold" streaking horizontally a naturally wide sky.

A beautiful, colorful descriptive poem with an epiphanic ending.

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Tinker
13 minutes ago, Liz Mastin said:

I think l prefer the first writing, with the longer lines, as it fits with the wideness of the setting: a wide sea, a spreading "wash of blues and greens", "orange, red and gold" streaking horizontally a naturally wide sky.

Good point Liz, Thanks.  

~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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dr_con

So, after your kind comments on my use of color, I must say, I think this is an excellent use! Personally, I prefer the rewrite which saturates with color in brief lovely lines. And the conclusion inn the definitive works for me far better. Ty!


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Tinker

 

1 hour ago, dr_con said:

Personally, I prefer the rewrite which saturates with color in brief lovely lines. And the conclusion inn the definitive works for me far better. Ty!

Thank you Juris, I too like the end of the revised version best.  I wish I could take the whole credit for it but I had a little help from Badge on that.  Sometimes it takes a village.

~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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