tonyv Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Credit His well-put lines foretold a sanguine future. A masterpiece -- he thought she would agree. But then he woke up drunk a decade later only to gaze beyond a silver lake beneath its concrete mid-October sky. _____________________________________Notes: This image has been in my archives for a decade. It's somehow meaningful to me and inspired me to write this poem. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 WoW! I love this right up to the last word "sky" which for some reason sounds out of place to me. It has too sharp a sound amid the softer, dreamier sounds of the rest of the poem. I want to substitute a word like "veil" or "clouds". Strange how poems touch one. This is really beautiful Tony. You need to look in your archives for more inspiration if this photo produced this gem. ~~Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 5, 2018 Author Share Posted June 5, 2018 Thank you, Judi! I'm excited that someone likes this. I didn't think anyone would. 3 hours ago, Tinker said: ... the last word "sky" which for some reason sounds out of place to me. It has too sharp a sound amid the softer, dreamier sounds of the rest of the poem ... This point is well taken."Veil" is nice, and similar words could work e.g. dome. I'll consider this some more, but for now, I actually like "sky." The way I see it, its harshness functions like a period. 3 hours ago, Tinker said: You need to look in your archives for more inspiration if this photo produced this gem. That's a really good suggestion! Thanks again, Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 5, 2018 Author Share Posted June 5, 2018 Some additional thoughts ... What I really mean to convey in the penultimate line is the sense of alone: to gaze, alone, beyond a silver lake Does the line as it stands now -- only to gaze beyond a silver lake -- make sense in that way? Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 Yes, the solitary vibe of this poem comes through loud and clear. Actually L3 sets up an almost abandoned tone. Sad and alone. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 6, 2018 Author Share Posted June 6, 2018 Thanks again, Judi. I'm really glad it's coming across as I had hoped. I wasn't aware that L3 was working like that, and I'm glad it is. But does the language in L4 make sense, or should I change it to "to gaze, alone, across a silver lake" ... wait I think I'm about to answer my own question. If I change L4 to that, I would be telling instead of showing. I should keep it the way it is. Does that make sense? Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry L shuff Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 How many lives have faced disillusion from their own actions? countless.....countless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 6, 2018 Author Share Posted June 6, 2018 1 minute ago, Terry L shuff said: How many lives have faced disillusion from their own actions? countless.....countless. I like it, Terry! Thank you, Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry L shuff Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 The message was so clear to me Tony. Some websites are inundated with stories of ruined lives. Written in the form of poetry. I can't help but to advise them. And some are grateful. My wife Linda and I don't have personal experience in these tragic lifestyles. We've been blessed with a stable and happy life as a result of good parenting,good children,and and a strong desire to be the best people we can be. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 27 minutes ago, Terry L shuff said: The message was so clear to me Tony. Some websites are inundated with stories of ruined lives. Written in the form of poetry. I can't help but to advise them. And some are grateful. My wife Linda and I don't have personal experience in these tragic lifestyles. We've been blessed with a stable and happy life as a result of good parenting,good children,and and a strong desire to be the best people we can be. That's good news, Terry. Thankfully, in my case this is not entirely autobiographical. There are some regrets, some of which are normal, others a bit peculiar and consequences of my own doing but nothing devastating. For me, it's about the art. What I find fascinating is how when it comes to artists and their lives the art can overlap, mix it up, and surprise. For instance, I don't know if you remember the old television series "Marcus Welby, M.D." which starred actor Robert Young. (I would consider actors to be artists to some degree.) I was blown away when I read in the Wikipedia article about Young that, "Despite his trademark portrayal of happy, well-adjusted characters, Young's bitterness toward Hollywood casting practices never diminished, and he suffered from depression and alcoholism, culminating in a suicide attempt in January 1991." The role he played was so real to me, the viewer, that I could not imagine that his life was altogether different. Now, my poem has nothing to do with him or the television series, but I'm presenting the comparison to illustrate how it often is for me when it comes to my poetry and art. Thank you again for engaging, for your kind replies. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 As always, a pleasure to read. The solitary does come through and 'sky' works for me. cheers Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 8, 2018 Author Share Posted June 8, 2018 Thanks Phil, I always look forward to your read. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 It is from Badger I’ve learned that the story one tells does not have to be your story. It can come from the imagination and I have been pushing my self to step out of my comfort zone and describe imaginary scenes. It doesn’t always work but sometimes. . . ~~Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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