tonyv Posted November 13, 2018 In my persistent low-res dream I trek a path beside a stream until I reach the sylvan house. No moon or stars. It's lightly snowing. A bedroom windowpane is glowing. She's on the bed in just a blouse. I try the door. It's not secure. The floor creaks softly when I creep. I know, for sure, she'll have the cure for when I'm restless and can't sleep. Her withered limbs and crooked back couple me to her weary thighs. Never again will the sun rise! Mouths, necks, hands, throats, smoke, choke, black. _______________IMAGES Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
badger11 Posted November 13, 2018 hi Tony, That was something of a surprise. A chiller. Like the monosyllabic shift for the concluding conflagration and demise. By L14 I forgot the mention of dream in L1. best Phil Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted November 14, 2018 Thanks, Phil! I made a couple of minor changes. I changed "we're" in L10 to "I'm" and "our suns" in L13 to "my sun." Tony Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted November 15, 2018 Hmmm...changing it some more: L13 -- Never again will my sun rise! -- to: Never again may the sun rise! -- or: Never again will the sun rise! Small changes, big improvements … I hope. (Still wavering between "may" and "will," but "my" will definitely become "the.") Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted November 15, 2018 Edited again. L9: I know, for sure, she has the cure -- has become -- I know, for sure, she'll have the cure Nothing major, just messing around with tense. Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
badger11 Posted November 17, 2018 Quote Still wavering between "may" and "will," If you want 'completeness' then will Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted November 17, 2018 1 minute ago, badger11 said: If you want 'completeness' then will Thank you, again, Phil. "Will" it is ... Tony Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FrasMac Posted November 18, 2018 Ha! Got me! I was all up for a different magic, until the last four lines! The early rhythmic commitment serves to draw the reader in so very willingly to the tale, then the "blouse" reference... - serves me right for my latent voyeurism! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tinker Posted November 24, 2018 Hi Tony, The title had me on edge coupled with the images that I peeked at before reading your poem. Then I started reading and like Mac, I was sort of lulled by the iambic rhythm and rhyme until she withered and you creeped me out., I loved your craftsmanship. ~~Judi ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted December 2, 2018 On 11/18/2018 at 2:32 AM, FrasMac said: Ha! Got me! I was all up for a different magic, until the last four lines! The early rhythmic commitment serves to draw the reader in so very willingly to the tale, then the "blouse" reference... - serves me right for my latent voyeurism! Yes, I like the way that worked out! Thanks, FrasMac. Tony Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted December 2, 2018 On 11/24/2018 at 3:24 AM, Tinker said: … I was sort of lulled by the iambic rhythm and rhyme until she withered and you creeped me out ... Thank you Judi, as always, for reading and for your kind reply. And as for that witch … that was the least of her worries! Tony 😀🎃👻 Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dcmarti1 Posted December 10, 2018 Just like badger, I had forgotten about it being a dream. Chilling stuff for winter, Tony. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dr_con Posted December 11, 2018 Chilling indeed. Saw only the final edit, but thought it pitch perfect. Good Work Tony! J Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted December 13, 2018 On 12/10/2018 at 6:36 AM, dcmarti1 said: Just like badger, I had forgotten about it being a dream. Chilling stuff for winter, Tony. Thank you, Marti. I'm pleased that it had the same effect on both of you, that the line between dream and reality was blurred. As always, I'm delighted to see you! Tony Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted December 13, 2018 On 12/11/2018 at 11:16 AM, dr_con said: Chilling indeed. Saw only the final edit, but thought it pitch perfect. Good Work Tony! And thank you, Juris! The changes were minor -- tenses, pronouns, etc. -- but I think they significantly improved the poem. Nice to see you! Tony Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
David W. Parsley Posted April 21 Tony, I somehow missed this thing the first few times around (that's what I get, I guess!). The spell worked on me, too! Like Mac I suspect, you turned what was developing into a seductively guilty pleasure into a Halloween style curse! Yowsers! Not on Easter, dude!! I like all the changes you made along the way. If you ever get a hankering to touch this piece again, I would point to the final line as a place that could be dictionally unkinked a little. Going Back to Easter Stuff. Now! - Dave 😯😉 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tonyv Posted May 5 On 4/21/2019 at 5:13 PM, David W. Parsley said: Tony, I somehow missed this thing the first few times around (that's what I get, I guess!). The spell worked on me, too! Like Mac I suspect, you turned what was developing into a seductively guilty pleasure into a Halloween style curse! Yowsers! Not on Easter, dude!! I like all the changes you made along the way. If you ever get a hankering to touch this piece again, I would point to the final line as a place that could be dictionally unkinked a little. Going Back to Easter Stuff. Now! - Dave 😯😉 Dave, thanks, as always, for your thoughts and input. I am rather pleased with how this one turned out. As for the last line, I'll leave it alone. I like its staccato effect. Tony Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
