Witch

[tonyv]

In my persistent low-res dream
I trek a path beside a stream
until I reach the sylvan house.
No moon or stars. It's lightly snowing.
A bedroom windowpane is glowing.
She's on the bed in just a blouse.
I try the door. It's not secure.
The floor creaks softly when I creep.
I know, for sure, she'll have the cure
for when I'm restless and can't sleep.
Her withered limbs and crooked back
couple me to her weary thighs.
Never again will the sun rise!
Mouths, necks, hands, throats, smoke, choke, black.
_______________
IMAGES

[badger11]

hi Tony,

           That was something of a surprise. A chiller. Like the monosyllabic shift for the concluding conflagration and demise. By L14 I forgot the mention of dream in L1. 

best

Phil

[tonyv]

Thanks, Phil! I made a couple of minor changes. I changed "we're" in L10 to "I'm" and "our suns" in L13 to "my sun."

Tony 

[tonyv]

Hmmm...changing it some more: L13 --
 

                 Never again will my sun rise! 

               -- to:

                Never again may the sun rise!

                -- or:

                 Never again will the sun rise!
 

Small changes, big improvements … I hope.

 

(Still wavering between "may" and "will," but "my" will definitely become "the.")

[tonyv]

Edited again.

L9:
 

I know, for sure, she has the cure

-- has become --

I know, for sure, she'll have the cure
 

Nothing major, just messing around with tense.

[badger11]

Quote

Still wavering between "may" and "will,"

If you want 'completeness' then will

[tonyv]

1 minute ago, badger11 said:

If you want 'completeness' then will

Thank you, again, Phil. "Will" it is ...

Tony 

[FrasMac]

Ha! Got me! I was all up for a different magic, until the last four lines!

The early rhythmic commitment serves to draw the reader in so very willingly to the tale, then the "blouse" reference...

- serves me right for my latent voyeurism!

 

[Tinker]

Hi Tony,  The title had me on edge coupled with the images that I peeked at before reading your poem. Then I started reading and like Mac, I was sort of lulled by the iambic rhythm and rhyme until she withered and you creeped me out., I loved your craftsmanship.

~~Judi

[tonyv]

On ‎11‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 2:32 AM, FrasMac said:

Ha! Got me! I was all up for a different magic, until the last four lines!

The early rhythmic commitment serves to draw the reader in so very willingly to the tale, then the "blouse" reference...

- serves me right for my latent voyeurism!

 

Yes, I like the way that worked out! Thanks, FrasMac.

Tony 

[tonyv]

On ‎11‎/‎24‎/‎2018 at 3:24 AM, Tinker said:

… I was sort of lulled by the iambic rhythm and rhyme until she withered and you creeped me out ...

Thank you Judi, as always, for reading and for your kind reply. And as for that witch … that was the least of her worries!

Tony 😀🎃👻

[dcmarti1]

Just like badger, I had forgotten about it being a dream. Chilling stuff for winter, Tony.

[dr_con]

Chilling indeed. Saw only the final edit, but thought it pitch perfect. Good Work Tony!

 

J

[tonyv]

On ‎12‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 6:36 AM, dcmarti1 said:

Just like badger, I had forgotten about it being a dream. Chilling stuff for winter, Tony.

Thank you, Marti. I'm pleased that it had the same effect on both of you, that the line between dream and reality was blurred. As always, I'm delighted to see you! 

Tony 

[tonyv]

On ‎12‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 11:16 AM, dr_con said:

Chilling indeed. Saw only the final edit, but thought it pitch perfect. Good Work Tony!

And thank you, Juris! The changes were minor -- tenses, pronouns, etc. -- but I think they significantly improved the poem. Nice to see you!

Tony 

[David W. Parsley]

Tony,

I somehow missed this thing the first few times around (that's what I get, I guess!).  The spell worked on me, too!  Like Mac I suspect, you turned what was developing into a seductively guilty pleasure into a Halloween style curse!  Yowsers!  Not on Easter, dude!!

I like all the changes you made along the way.  If you ever get a hankering to touch this piece again, I would point to the final line as a place that could be dictionally unkinked a little.

Going Back to Easter Stuff.  Now!

- Dave 😯😉

[tonyv]

On 4/21/2019 at 5:13 PM, David W. Parsley said:

Tony,

I somehow missed this thing the first few times around (that's what I get, I guess!).  The spell worked on me, too!  Like Mac I suspect, you turned what was developing into a seductively guilty pleasure into a Halloween style curse!  Yowsers!  Not on Easter, dude!!

I like all the changes you made along the way.  If you ever get a hankering to touch this piece again, I would point to the final line as a place that could be dictionally unkinked a little.

Going Back to Easter Stuff.  Now!

- Dave 😯😉

Dave, thanks, as always, for your thoughts and input. I am rather pleased with how this one turned out. 

As for the last line, I'll leave it alone. I like its staccato effect.

Tony