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tonyv

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tonyv

Can't see the wrists, just hands,
her double-jointed fingers
with squared-off nails and diamonds
tweaking well-worked knobs.

In charted territory all around
with all its peaks and valleys that abound,
   she toils in darkened lowlands 
   and shivers in the highlands
without relief, nor agony, nor sound.


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Tsunami

Wow, interesting poem I thought the lines were intriguing and there was this sense of wonder for this poem, I should tell you that I like the last stanza sense it conveys the most imagery than the first stanza, beautiful work. Thanks for sharing. Oh the way I thought you should work on the first stanza since it lacks imagery.

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Tinker

Am I wrong, A modified Rainis Sonnet with the first stanza in trimeter which I like a lot, the 2nd is kind of all over the place but it has a nice rhythm and sounds good (I always struggle with scansion).  I love the rhyme scheme, abab ccddc.  Nice variation.  I especially liked the consonance rhyme.  It is there but not there.  

I have to disagree with tsunami, for me the first stanza imagery is more powerful than the second stanza.  I found myself looking at my own hands, once smooth and straight now age spotted with a couple of  knuckles gnarled by arthritis. I broke a nail while pulling weeds in the garden this morning and I haven't taken a nail file to smooth it out yet. I am not wearing my ring right now because I didn't want to lose a stone in the dirt and the ring has a very wide gold band with several small diamonds and one large stone that gets in my way when doing household chores. But when I have it on, I often find myself fascinated by the play of light off the diamonds.    That is how I read that first stanza quite literally and focused; literal, concrete imagery down to the detail of the squared off nails and the gem's prism of light, then again was this a metaphor for what comes next?   

I loved this poem Tony,  ~~Judi

 


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv

Welcome, Tsunami. I'm excited that you've joined.

16 hours ago, Tsunami said:

Wow, interesting poem I thought the lines were intriguing and there was this sense of wonder for this poem, I should tell you that I like the last stanza sense it conveys the most imagery than the first stanza, beautiful work. Thanks for sharing. Oh the way I thought you should work on the first stanza since it lacks imagery.

Thank you for reading and for your remarks. While I do from time to time go back and make small changes in the poems I post, I don't usually post them until I consider them substantially complete. I may change some punctuation or a word or two in this one (e.g. "tweaking" and/or "knobs"), but I'm unlikely to significantly revise the first stanza.

When you signed up, I seeked out some of the work you've posted online. It's image-rich and exciting, and I'm looking forward to your sharing it here.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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tonyv

Hi Judi,

As always, I'm pleased to get your thoughts on my poem.
 

1 hour ago, Tinker said:

Am I wrong, A modified Rainis Sonnet with the first stanza in trimeter which I like a lot, the 2nd is kind of all over the place but it has a nice rhythm and sounds good (I always struggle with scansion).  I love the rhyme scheme, abab ccddc.  Nice variation.  I especially liked the consonance rhyme.  It is there but not there.

I wasn't going for a particular form with this one. I just made it up as I went along. The closest form I had in mind -- and I mean only when it came to what I wanted the poem to look like -- was a stanza from one of the English forms, like the ones Keats used in "The Eve of St. Agnes." But really, I didn't even go look at one of those forms. I just did whatever I wanted to suit my needs.

 

1 hour ago, Tinker said:

... the first stanza in trimeter which I like a lot, the 2nd is kind of all over the place but it has a nice rhythm and sounds good (I always struggle with scansion) ...

Yes, the first stanza is in trimeter. In the second stanza, I start with two lines of iambic pentameter, followed by two lines of iambic trimeter, and switch back to iambic pentameter in the last line.

 

1 hour ago, Tinker said:

... I found myself looking at my own hands, once smooth and straight now age spotted with a couple of  knuckles gnarled by arthritis. I broke a nail while pulling weeds in the garden this morning and I haven't taken a nail file to smooth it out yet. I am not wearing my ring right now because I didn't want to lose a stone in the dirt and the ring has a very wide gold band with several small diamonds and one large stone that gets in my way when doing household chores. But when I have it on, I often find myself fascinated by the play of light off the diamonds.    That is how I read that first stanza quite literally and focused; literal, concrete imagery ... then again was this a metaphor for what comes next? [emphasis mine]

The first stanza is literal, but I'll wait to see if anyone has anything else to add before I reveal more, perhaps the source of inspiration when it comes to metaphorical implications.

With appreciation,

Tony :happy:

 


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Tinker
35 minutes ago, tonyv said:

I wasn't going for a particular form with this one. I just made it up as I went along. The closest form I had in mind -- and I mean only when it came to what I wanted the poem to look like -- was a stanza from one of the English forms, like the ones Keats used in "The Eve of St. Agnes." But really, I didn't even go look at one of those forms. I just did whatever I wanted to suit my needs.

And yet, you have so mastered the Rainis Sonnet in the past that it just naturally flowed from your fingertips with just a slight variation.   The Eves of St Agnes is written in Spencerian Stanzas and is a narrative where your poem is more lyrical to me, there would be no break at L4 and rhyme and meter don't match.   Although one of the defining features of the Spencerian Stanza is L9 which is Alexandrine, 6 metric feet broken mid way by caesura which you did.  It gives it a dramatic end.   

~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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dr_con

Clear, concise, a beautiful work Tony. Very impressed -- the friction of the title and the stark images remind me of the old Japanese poets, turning their eye to struggle. Loved it.

Juris


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badger11
On 11/10/2019 at 2:45 AM, tonyv said:

Can't see the wrists, just hands,
her double-jointed fingers
with squared-off nails and diamonds
tweaking well-worked knobs.

In charted territory all around
with all its peaks and valleys that abound,
   she toils in darkened lowlands 
   and shivers in the highlands
without relief, nor agony, nor sound.

Intriguing Tony. The slant, the topography, takes this reader from a human image to the mechanical elements of flight. The hyphenated words in S1 caught my eye. Perhaps these translate that fusion of human/mechanical that comes from a long lived experience.

best

Phil

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