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tonyv

Siren

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tonyv

Even underseas you heard my voice;
When you were dead, you had it. Now, you don't.
Be proud and live! Pretend it is your choice.
For I could make you love me, but I won't.

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Tinker

Oh my, this is very strong.  I'm not sure how I feel about this one. There is mystery, there is wisdom, and there seems to be some kind of challenge here.  
 

29 minutes ago, tonyv said:

Be proud and live! Pretend it is your choice.

This is really interesting.  "Pretend"  ??? I like it.

The metrics are spot on, iambic pentameter without being sing songy.  An alternate rhymed tetra-stich. Technically perfect. 
 

33 minutes ago, tonyv said:

For I could make you love me, but I won't.

This line really intrigues me.  I don't want any answers.  I just want to let my imagination conjure.  The more I read it the better I like it.

AWESOME!

~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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JoelJosol

There is mystery in every line. The first line does not explain why the audience is "underseas". Is it a metaphor? For even there, the voice of the narrator can be heard.  Does the poem refer to mythical character? On the second line, what is the "it". The narrator does not say.

It's like the reader barged in or eavesdropped to a conversation where the reader caught only fragments.  I can hear the strong sound of 'd and 'p'.

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"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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tonyv
On 5/3/2020 at 3:23 AM, Tinker said:

Oh my, this is very strong.  I'm not sure how I feel about this one. There is mystery, there is wisdom, and there seems to be some kind of challenge here.  
 

This is really interesting.  "Pretend"  ??? I like it.

The metrics are spot on, iambic pentameter without being sing songy.  An alternate rhymed tetra-stich. Technically perfect. 
 

This line really intrigues me.  I don't want any answers.  I just want to let my imagination conjure.  The more I read it the better I like it.

AWESOME!

~~Judi

Judi, thank you! I think this is one of the kindest, most meaningful and perceptive replies I have ever received. 

Tony

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tonyv

Hi Joel,

Thank you for reading and replying.

8 hours ago, JoelJosol said:

Does the poem refer to mythical character?

Somehow ...

Great to see you!

Tony


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dr_con

Man Tony! That was frigging fantastic. Few words that resonate outwords rippling across an endless expanse of possibl (ities) 😉

 

TY

 

Juris


"Everything is trying to Prove the Perfection of its own Perception" Dr. Concrescence's The Law of EPPP

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tonyv

Juris, thank you very much! It means a lot to me.

Tony :happy:


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badger11

hi Tony,

          Should a poem have a moral compass? At times, the question has worried me, but it hasn't stopped me writing. I don't see 'wisdom' in the poem. I think it is brutal, but then that can be the nature of relationships. What is true, what is fact or fiction in the assertions and perspective, what is deception and self-deception? The emotion that is conveyed  is honest, which can make 'wisdom' false.

enjoyed

Phil

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tonyv
17 hours ago, badger11 said:

hi Tony,

          Should a poem have a moral compass? At times, the question has worried me, but it hasn't stopped me writing. I don't see 'wisdom' in the poem. I think it is brutal, but then that can be the nature of relationships. What is true, what is fact or fiction in the assertions and perspective, what is deception and self-deception? The emotion that is conveyed  is honest, which can make 'wisdom' false.

enjoyed

Phil

All of it, Phil! I love it -- thank you!

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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A. Baez

Well, there's a pocket-sized riddle, as winsome in sound as it is inscrutable in content! The last two lines especially grab me. I usually don't think of being able to have something in death that eludes one in life, although if one thinks about it, of course there are various exceptions. As we discussed privately, I wasn't aware that the siren was the narrator rather than the subject of this poem till you pointed it out, which made this poem that much more unfathomable to me till your explanation. Knowing the siren to be the narrator, I'd say she has powers that extend well beyond those of her kin. I hope I don't run into the likes of her anytime soon! I think all the other commenters have made really good points here, and I can embrace them all as reflecting aspects of my own reaction.

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tonyv
On 5/16/2020 at 4:10 PM, A. Baez said:

... I wasn't aware that the siren was the narrator rather than the subject of this poem till you pointed it out ..

Yes, she is the narrator. And as you now know, to me sirens are always female even though the voice and the message in this poem are mine! 

Thank you!

Tony :happy:

PS -- And as you also know, Siren 2 will be coming out soon. It's almost there.

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A. Baez

My point was that I think you should reconsider the title for the purposes of clarity. I also really feel you need to flesh out the dead/living allusions at least a bit more. Otherwise, they're completely befuddling without your outside explanation, which is actually very compelling. 

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tonyv
33 minutes ago, A. Baez said:

My point was that I think you should reconsider the title for the purposes of clarity. I also really feel you need to flesh out the dead/living allusions at least a bit more. Otherwise, they're completely befuddling without your outside explanation, which is actually very compelling. 

Do you mean like change the title to "The Siren's Song"? Would that help?


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