Lake Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Fib is an experimental Western poetry form, based on the Fibonacci sequence. The first number of the sequence is 0, the second number is 1, and each subsequent number is equal to the sum of the previous two numbers of the sequence itself, yielding the sequence 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, etc. So for a Fibonacci poem which is made up of 6 lines the syllable count is as follows: 1 syllable 1 syllable 2 syllable 3 syllable 5 syllable 8 syllable I played with this: Why does spring come so early? April snow awaits, in hibernation bears snore on. I know he is there watching on the other end. My heart quivers at such a thought. The pain- less tree has been cut down to frozen ground. A pain to see a greenless spring. Sage said: be it white or black, the one that catches the mouse is a good cat. Topnotch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tilsover Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Ha! Interesting, fun, and entertaining! I like form poetry, but sometimes it seems the subjects suffer trying to adhere to the form, itself. You've pulled it off very well, this piece flows and says something, as well. Good stuff. --til Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Lake, I thought each of these precious and well written with your discerning eye;-) As you know, I have 'some' issues with forms, but when the form challenge is well met, they are a delight! Many Thanks! DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Very clever, Lake. This syllabic form reads quite well in the English language. I like 'em all, but the second one is my favorite. And the ending of the last one is indeed "topnotch." Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 Thanks Til, Dr, Tony. Glad it works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Lake this is wonderful, works perfect. I enjoyed them a lot. Very interesting form and definitely provokes. Thank you for sharing these complete poems. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hi Lake, I just discovered your variations of the Fibonacci Verse form and I like these very much. It was hard to pick a favorite they are so diverse each with their own special flavor. Would you allow me to use one of them in my article Mathematics in Verse as an example of the syllabic variation of the Fibonacci? (maybe 2 of them ?) ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Alek, glad you enjoyed it. Just fun doing it. Tinker, so nice to see you again. I'm glad it could be of any use. Yes, by all means, use it. Thanks for reading and commenting. Best wishes Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hi Tinker, I just clicked the link Mathematics in Verse in you post (it would be nice if it is highlighted) and read your example. Now I see mine is only an variation, by number of syllables, yours is by number of lines. What "a frog in a well" I am. Thank you for providing the link. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Lake wrote: Fib is an experimental Western poetry form, based on the Fibonacci sequence. Why does spring come so early? April snow awaits, in hibernation bears snore on. I know he is there watching on the other end. My heart quivers at such a thought. The pain- less tree has been cut down to frozen ground. A pain to see a greenless spring. Sage said: be it white or black, the one that catches the mouse is a good cat. Topnotch! These are great. Certain syllabic forms (Crapsey's cinquain. Etheree) can be a real challenge in that line breaks are expected to be non-artificial, and should not be just a sentence or paragraph chopped up into lines of the specified syllable count. The best model I know off is Adelaide Crapsey's THE BREAD OF LIFE Jesus fed five thousand on the grassy hillside, and there was enough left over for me. The fibonacci is a doozy because of the first two monosyllabic lines. Your #1 is best in that respect, but the word order of the last line seems off or punctuation is missing. The comma preceding suggests parallel construction while "in hibernation" is an interjection, an aside describing the bears. As such it could follow as well as stand ahead of that subject. In same respect, why not "tree" before ",painless," (commas optional) in #3. As for #4 the colon can be omitted unless you care to use quotation marks. In poems, others have found ways to indicate indirect quotation, and the short poem seems better with least and least obtrusive punctuation. BTW, syllabic verse is said to be stronger with nouns or verbs or some other 'strong' words at line ends. What would be wrong with "Whether" for the 3rd line. I hope you dont mind my take. I would have to think longer if these Fibs were of the weaker poem kind since it takes more effort and time to do justice to such. By that I mean, presenting an argument with greater number of eupporting detail when suggesting a possible revision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 I feel awful to respond so late, but I've been busy with my tax return. I only have one full day now. Thank you very much waxwings for your time and detailed crits, very much appreciated. I don't mind others' take at all. In fact, I'd love to see what others would say/write, because that would show me how people write/look at things from different angles where I'm blind. I think you've made good points on my poems here re punctuation, word order, line break... Based on your suggestions, here's some revision and see if they sound better now. waxwings wrote: The fibonacci is a doozy because of the first two monosyllabic lines. Your #1 is best in that respect, but the word order of the last line seems off or punctuation is missing. The comma preceding suggests parallel construction while "in hibernation" is an interjection, an aside describing the bears. As such it could follow as well as stand ahead of that subject. Do you mean to put "in hibernation" after "bear"? Why does spring come so early? April snow awaits, bears in hibernation snore on. waxwings wrote: In same respect, why not "tree" before ",painless," (commas optional) in #3. Ha, I didn't even think about switching these two words. Just thought "pain-less" is pretty cool. But I like yours better. The tree painless has been cut down to frozen ground. A pain to see a greenless spring. waxwings wrote: As for #4 the colon can be omitted unless you care to use quotation marks. In poems, others have found ways to indicate indirect quotation, and the short poem seems better with least and least obtrusive punctuation.BTW, syllabic verse is said to be stronger with nouns or verbs or some other 'strong' words at line ends. What would be wrong with "Whether" for the 3rd line. Agreed. The fewer punctuation marks in a short poem the better, and then since it is not a direct quote I can use "whether' instead of "be it". Sage said whether white or black, the one that catches the mouse is a good cat. Topnotch! This is kind of feedback I always expect to get from poetry writing forums. Many thanks! Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I too am often too buey to make prompt reply. Moreover, no matter how apt and thoughtful crits by others may be, I am aware they cannot know 100% of what drove me to write as I did, and an overly quick reply/reaction by me would miss that others could and should feel differently. I too am here to have hard but conscientious critiquing. It helps me gain perspective enough to see that just because I think my stuff is great it does not have to be. I did mean "bears, in hibernation," or actually "April snow awaits. // Bears, in..." (Not sure "awaits is the literarily slickest form). You have two great, concise and not interdependent statements. Moreover, "in hibernation", is an aside, an afterthought, while "bears snore while snow awaits" is the significant parallel you make. A poem is much elevated for the reader if the 'highs' are clearly separated from the ornamental though still necessary parts. [ I looked later and though of "April snow still waits. // " to maintain desired syllable count.] BTW, on further look/thought that applies to "painless" too, because, realistically, the tree does not feel pain, but, as a poetic afterthought, you hint that it did not know pain until it was being cut down. Not the greatest sin to use the commas. Of all the marks, they are the least intrusive, and we agree: the less punctuation the better. You even may put comma after "said" because what follows is what the "Sage" said or the sage "spoke, saying, Whither..." I believe style manuals will say that there are two kinds of qutation. The verbatim requires the colon and quotes, those that merely report what was said will take a comma and perhaps, esp. since you put that in the next line you might use uc initial letter. Now that I have slept on it, do you need the ? after "early. There is no actual question just a wonderment and the following is not exactly an answer as might be thought needed. The spring is not early because of snow or the bears. Before I tell you you are welcome to "rip" any my poem, I must add I think "so" is a weak word, and I have been told to use it carefully. In this case, can you tell me how early is so early. You could use "this" early, i.e., when there is still snow and bears snore. You have truly significant ideas as to what a poem should speak of , but to show it you must not be afraid to see if a line or two or three consecutive lines can be recast w/ mostly same words and deliver more punch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hi Lake, This looks like an enticing form and you've used it well. I too love the tone of the second one. Thank you for showing us a new form. I had never read any poems using the form before this. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 waxwings, I've kept coming back to your comments several times, but didn't respond for I'm digesting. I find food for thoughts in your comments. All are good pointers. A poem is much elevated for the reader if the 'highs' are clearly separated from the ornamental though still necessary parts. That's a good advice. Now I recall it from reading Golden's tanka, who placed "we" separately on one line. And I agree with all your other pointers for the use of punctuation, choice of words and your concluding line: you must not be afraid to see if a line or two or three consecutive lines can be recast w/ mostly same words and deliver more punch. And I will find a chance to "rip" one of your poems, but if I have the capability or not that is a question. I'll find some time to fine tune this based on your suggestions. Thanks again for your time and detailed crits. Lake BTW: What does uc mean in this line 'since you put that in the next line you might use uc initial letter."? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hello Golden, So glad to see you back and read the poems with your signature. Thanks for the comment. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 waxwings, I've kept coming back to your comments several times, but didn't respond for I'm digesting. I find food for thoughts in your comments. All are good pointers. A poem is much elevated for the reader if the 'highs' are clearly separated from the ornamental though still necessary parts. That's a good advice. Now I recall it from reading Golden's tanka, who placed "we" separately on one line. And I agree with all your other pointers for the use of punctuation, choice of words and your concluding line: you must not be afraid to see if a line or two or three consecutive lines can be recast w/ mostly same words and deliver more punch. And I will find a chance to "rip" one of your poems, but if I have the capability or not that is a question. I'll find some time to fine tune this based on your suggestions. Thanks again for your time and detailed crits. Lake BTW: What does uc mean in this line 'since you put that in the next line you might use uc initial letter."? As for Golden's tanka< I shall have to find it to say I agree because, being a traditionalist, I would not do that without a damn good reason. There is no question you can 'rip' any my writing, not just poems. All it takes is respect and intellect. I have been 'ripping' other's work for years and grown wiser and less judgmental by doing so. Crits do not , can not annihilate, but do provide cause for deeper thought and self-inspection. We must form opinions, not always the right, even if well meant ones. Or we do not grow. I'm trying to not waste space and use uc for upper case or even capital, letters, that is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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