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A. Baez

Night Visitation

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A. Baez

 

 

My bedding lay half-pressed against my side

As I curled lost inside the dreams of night;

And yet the full moon, drear’s celestial bride,

Poured through my windows, mantling me with light.

What power, long unknown to me, would shine

At such an hour with such day-force? Pristine

In solitude, by some obscure design

She reigned in stunning vigil, long unseen.

Awakening, I tossed off crumpled shrouds

As sleep’s last traces with the dim sheets slipped

Away, and I peered out: some blackish clouds

Swirled round the orb where high-born breezes whipped.

Then all the brighter every moon-ray beamed

Against that scrim of gloom where shadows streamed!

 

 

 

CA--I'd put this in the Workshop, but no one has posted anything there since my last post there.

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A. Baez

I recently revised this poem whose first version I'd written when I was thirteen. As a point of interest, here is the original:

 

The Quiet Visitor

 

 

The snug but restless quilts lay tossed aside

And there I lay amidst the present Night

While his accomplice and celestial bride

Seeped through my window with a pallid light.

Now what divine omnipotence could shine

With such immersing opalescent sheen,

Its visitation no request of mine,

Its sly transgression lingering unseen?

I rose, reluctant, from my torpid shrouds

And sleep's last traces with the blankets slipped

Away as I peered out: a blackish cloud

Swirled round the orb that through the dark sky dipped.

What else but Moon would steal over my sill

Unwitnessed while unknowing I lay still?

 

 

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dcmarti1

"scrim of gloom"

I have phrase envy, madam, and I have it bad! :)

Both are "2 snaps up!"

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tonyv

I think your version from way back when is very impressive, but I love the recent version. Like a 2020 remix of a ten-year-old song, the revised version exhibits a contemporary/up-to-date sophistication. I love your application of "half-pressed," "drear's," "day-force," and "high-born breezes."

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Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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A. Baez

Tony, I'm glad to hear it! It sounds like, by your measure, I've succeeded at my aims.

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JoelJosol

I can relate with this experience, A. Baez. What caught my ears are the strong alliteration of a lot of s. I recognize the form as a sonnet. The ending is stronger in your current version than the older one. The change reflected maturity in writing poems. 

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"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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A. Baez

Thanks, Joel--I'm so glad you can relate! And good point--I see now that there are actually a lot of "s'" throughout this poem. Before, when I read aloud the line, "As sleep’s last traces with the dim sheets slipped," I did find it to be quite a tongue-twister, largely because of all those "s'". I agree with you about the ending couplet, too; as an adult, I immediately saw that the first version's was simply stating the obvious.

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dr_con

Ahh yes the origin of 'Lunacy' 😉 Good to the ear and goo to the eye/\. TY

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"Everything is trying to Prove the Perfection of its own Perception" Dr. Concrescence's The Law of EPPP

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