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badger11

Pentre Village (revised)

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badger11

 

revision

The driest May and fear of drought and virus,
that smear of honeydew, and sallow leaves.
Our wish list idles in a camping van.

She opens bedroom windows for a breeze,
it's too humid for sleep. There's no reprieve.
A greenfly gravity and the sweet peas sag.

The village prays for rain. To our surprise
June brings a bible of floods. The slugs are back.
The aphids bloat and slack. A soggy demise.

Sandbags in Pentre, in Rhondda Cynon Taff -
"It's time to move on," the wife says. But we won't.
 

 

 

original

The driest May and fear of drought and virus,
that smear of honeydew, and sallow leaves.
Our wish list idles in a camping van.

She opens bedroom windows for a breeze,
it's too humid for sleep. There's no reprieve.
A greenfly gravity and the sweet peas sag.

Garden mages pray for rain. To our surprise
June brings a bible of floods. The slugs are back.
The aphids bloat and slack. A soggy demise.

Sandbags in Pentre, in Rhondda Cynon Taff,
it's time to move on the wife said. But we won't.
Like bindweed graft our digging out the past.

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tonyv

A perfect poem by my standards, Phil. The mood and title/sense of place, perfectly complemented by look, length, and lyric, take me there and make me read it again and again. I love it.

Tony

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Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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bob
Posted (edited)

Badger:

From one who has spent a good bit of "roughing it" camp travel, in years past, your poem tells it like it can be at times. My wife and I used a Gold Wing motorcycle pulling a small trailer. I can appreciate your enjoyment and sometimes discouragement while camping.   

Hopefully, you were not camping , near the floods in Pentrein of 2020.  ...or did the floods not reach your location in Rhondda Cynon Taff? Mother Nature has been playing havoc throughout the world. We have been having weather similar to what you may have been faced with, but fortunately, flooding did not reach our home territory. Have safe travels friend.

Photo of our 1976 Gold Wing and camping trailer with stowed 3-man mountain tent and necessities. . We were traveling in Canada at the time. Sister-in-law in background with her and husband's bike.

721584032_2-HondaGoldWing-1976.gif.7dd9370a879b80702f71ac091a7b8dae.gif

TO EDIT MY LAST ENTRY.... my first of many times reading this poem gave me thought you were already camping. Then...I realized you were wishfully thinking for better days in a camping van. Hopefully when the heavy hand of Mother Nature lifts from your area, you may see good travel times in the future. 

 

Edited by bob
A misinterpretation of Badger's poem.

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badger11

Thank you Tony and Bob. I don't live in that valley and I don't have a camper van, but I do feel for those impacted by climate change (our house has suffered from unusually strong winds this year rather than the flooding). Pleased the sense of place translated. I've always been interested by the tenacity of people to remain living in places that are 'challenging'. My best man was from Belfast and remained there during the 'Troubles'. At the time, I couldn't comprehend why he would stay. On one occasion I travelled from Dublin by train to Northern Ireland and had to get off at Crossmaglen and continue part of the journey by bus. The Republicans had blown-up the train line! At least dialogue has achieved a relative peace there now.

all the best

Phil

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bob

Phil:

You pretty much answered your own questionable thought. (I've always been interested by the tenacity of people to remain living in places that are 'challenging'.) The last sentence was the key factor; (At least dialogue has achieved a relative peace there now.) Sadly enough, people in mass cannot always live in total harmony. There will be indifference's. The fact that dialogue is possible, can be rewarding.

Once a being establishes "Roots" in an accepted territory, is like an analogy of having 2 pairs of shoes.  Switching for a change can be rewarding, but there is always the one pair that has the best feeling.)  

I have moved to different home locations many times during my life, but the last move has allowed me to "root" and has satisfied me for 49 years. It's not perfect by any means, but I have learned to live with this communities imperfections. Those who live nearby, have learned to accept mine.

RGJ

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A. Baez

Wow, what a dense, highly focused, and dramatically effective piece! There are so many details to love here:

 

The soundplay of "driest"/"drought and virus"

All the "y"s, "w"s, and "v"s in the first three lines

The wish list in the van described, itself, as idling, rather than the van

The seemingly random rhyme scheme and the half-rhymes--these feel right in this poem

The optics (shared letters, etc.) and quaint evocativeness of "greenfly gravity"

The combination of the above noun term with the verbal statement that follows--the confusion fits

The optics (shared letters) and sonics of "gravity," "sag," and "garden mages" (great term there!)

The assonance of "mages" and "rain"

"Bible of floods"--what an imaginative shorthand!

The assonance of "floods" and "slugs"

The internal rhyme of "back" and "slack"

"The aphids bloat and slack"--a vivid image!

Although I usually don't prefer incomplete sentences in poems, "A soggy demise" works for me here.

The musical-sounding place names

The assonances of "Taff," "graft" and "past"

 

Perhaps you could use a more correct dash or semicolon instead of a comma after "breeze" and a dash instead of a comma after "Taff"?

Quote

it's time to move on the wife said.

The technically correct "It's time to move on, the wife said" would feel smoother to me.

Quote

Like bindweed graft our digging out the past

I tripped up on this one line both due to its inversion and its lack of the expected "is" (as in, "Our digging out the past is like bindweed graft.") By the way, what is bindweed graft and how is it like digging out the past?

Anyway, what a quality read--thank you so much!

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dr_con

Badge/Phil you are one of the reasons I return to PMO, even when I've 'moved on to other interests, just stunning- I'm always gobsmacked when you apparently, effortlessly, create a window laden into a completely different real.

Many Many Thanks!


Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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badger11
Quote

I have learned to live with this communities imperfections. Those who live nearby, have learned to accept mine.

That's a positive outcome that's worth sharing Bob. As you say dialogue can be the basis of such outcomes. Whereas anger is a poisonous evil, a destructive conceit, a consuming adrenaline rush that's so like a virus in its contagion.

best

Phil

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badger11

Thank you for your generous reply AB. I confess to being playful and wayward in my writing approach at times - it's the child in me and my pursuit of fun. I've tinkered a tad in response to your suggestions and will ponder some more.

best

Phil

ps will visit your latest poem when I get back from walking.

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badger11
14 hours ago, dr_con said:

Badge/Phil you are one of the reasons I return to PMO, even when I've 'moved on to other interests, just stunning- I'm always gobsmacked when you apparently, effortlessly, create a window laden into a completely different real.

Many Many Thanks!

We've been sharing poems for a long time J. and may we always keep a trace or two of surprise in that exchange!

all the best

Phil

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tonyv

Awesome improvements in lines 7-12 of the revision, Phil.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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tonyv
On 6/20/2020 at 2:33 AM, badger11 said:

"It's time to move on, the wife says". But we won't.

I would use:

"It's time to move on," the wife says, but we won't.

-or-

"It's time to move on," the wife says. But we won't.


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks for revisiting Tony. I have tweaked to one of your suggestions.

best

Phil

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A. Baez
Quote

"It's time to move on," the wife says. But we won't.

In your original version of this line, the italics took the place of quotation marks, which is a legitimate construction. Alternatively, you could use quotes in place of italics. But one would only use both forms of punctuation in the same phrase if the italics were meant to signify emphasis, which I don't believe is your intent here. (In my first comment, I put quotes around the whole line, but that was to signify that I was, indeed, quoting the whole line--not the wife's words.)

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badger11

Thanks for coming back AB. I have removed the italics.

best

Phil

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Tinker

Hello Badge,  I love that you write of places I've never been.  You capture the landscape and ambiance of the area so beautifully that I almost feel I am there.  I arrived after the tweeks and yes for me the latest revision is clearer.  Another tight efficient poem, thanks for showing us how.

~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11

Pleased the sense of place comes across Judi. We were going to travel to Seville this September, our son was going to fly from London to meet us there, but we've postponed until next year. I feel the lack of travel has given us a greater sense of Wales. All our walks are within the five limit imposed by the Welsh government. We haven't even crossed the border to England!

 

all the best

 

Phil

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