Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
dr_con

The technical details of inserting oneself into the day

Recommended Posts

dr_con

The technical details of inserting oneself into the day
Con/Jur/d 6/22/2020

In comparison to -

the buzz of Housefly,
uncaring of his domestic rank,
bathing in daybreak’s chanted
sonic vibration, his heliotropic
drive to escape into the light, to thrive
to multiply in long rise and fall in a brief-
brief life frustrated by happenstance,
soon after-egg, attracted by the 8’000
illuminations of crosshatched fields
stainless steel heavens above
a radiant silica earth below, 
a desert world isolated
by opaque plastic 
horizons; resonates 
without ever asking,

“What is this?”

- our news of the self,
causes a rude and rough
awakening.
 

  • Like 1

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A. Baez

Juris, this has so much good in it! The title tantalizes. The shape intrigues.

I like the capitalization of "Housefly," as if it were a character in an Aesop's fable.

Quote

uncaring of his domestic rank

Nice!

Quote

daybreak’s chanted
sonic vibration

More nice!

Quote

his heliotropic
drive to escape into the light

How interesting to describe an animal, rather than a plant, as heliotropic. "Escape into the light"--vivid!

Quote

the 8’000
illuminations of crosshatched fields

I assume this refers to flowers in fields as seen by flies? Not "8,000"?

Quote

stainless steel heavens above

Quote

a radiant silica earth below

Quote

a desert world isolated
by opaque plastic 
horizons

What cool images! You seem to have an uncanny ability to imagine the world through a fly's eyes!

But I lost the train of your sentence beginning "In comparison to--." In comparison to the buzz of Housefly, etc., what? "Resonates without ever asking..."? Your ending sounds important but I'm not sure what it's driving at!

Much enjoyed overall nonetheless!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dr_con

TY. Glad you read deep and had fun- OK so 8'000 is a reference to the 4'000 lenses they have per eye;-) I thought my reintroduction of punctuation might clear up some of my 'obscure' over the head BS.- Before I answer Have you read it outloud? Think that my clarify the opening comparison. LMK.

Many Thanks for the deep read!

J


Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

Hi Juris,

As always, the angles you write focus the perspectives. Amusing, that the fly experience is unweighted by human concerns, gets on with living nature's impulses, whereas we are outward polluting, inward scarring...our news of the self a realisation of the damage.

That's what I read anyway!

all the best

Phil

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dr_con

TY Badge and spot on;-) IMO, but what do I know? 


Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

A remarkably pleasing read, Juris, which presents with the resonance of Larkin's "High Windows" (caution: explicit). I know it's a lazy way, but I work best with examples, and when I liken a member's poem to a favorite poet's work(s), I mean it as a highest compliment. Of course, our members here are all among my favorite poets!

Tony 😊


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dr_con

Tony,

Obviously being compared to Larkin isn't lazy rather deeply flattering;-)

  • Like 1

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A. Baez
Quote

OK so 8'000 is a reference to the 4'000 lenses they have per eye;-)

Okay; that leaves my question, why not "8,000"?

Quote

I thought my reintroduction of punctuation might clear up some of my 'obscure' over the head BS.

It helps greatly! I'm awed that you have considered this a worthwhile effort and that you admit to the presence of a certain degree of obscurity in some of your previous works--and, to top it off, that you even term said obscurity "BS"!! 😆 Now there are just a few places where commas would technically be called for but are not present (e.g., after "thrive" in "to thrive/to multiply.") And I'd submit that no comma is needed after "self" in the last stanza. 

Quote

Before I answer Have you read it outloud? Think that my clarify the opening comparison. LMK.

I just did, although that's not what made my light bulb go on just now...visually scanning the poem as a whole, I finally saw that the phrase at the beginning before the first dash continues after the second dash, close to the end. Needless to say, there is a lot in between those two dashes that could make a reader lose the connection, which is what happened to me. But I'm thrilled to see that the connection is there! 🥳

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.