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tonyv

Dust from a motherthousand wasted stars
has dried their eyes, for it was a bold mix
of cloud and sun in which our trippers swam.
But the trick deck was stacked with eights against
them. Still, they railed it through a tunnel ram!
And now, a signal from the outer fold
declares just like an epigram of old,
"There's only one way to fix it -- don't fix it"
when she won't share and he won't wear her gold.

___________________________________________
tripper -- 1. Chiefly British. One on a short pleasure trip.
2. Slang. One who is hallucinating from a psychedelic drug.

eights -- allusion to card game "crazy eights." I forget how to play,
but I hope readers will make the association with "crazy."

rail -- Slang. To ingest through the nose.

tunnel ram


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dr_con

a curious trippy blend of surreal rhyme, rich images and ineffable emotions- multi-faceted in its narration, a certainty of recognition, yet just, as it alchemicaly transforms from one hinted truth to the next-

 

I must say I LIKE IT icon_biggrin.png

 

Dr. Con


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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tonyv

Thank you, Dr. Con. Your kind and thoughtful comments mean a lot to me.

 

Tony icon_biggrin.png

 

(P.S. -- I changed the word prophesy to epigram.)


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Aleksandra

Tony I love always how you are working on the expressing your feelings into a poem. You always choose the difficult and covered way to do that. Your poem has a spirit of Chameleon, changing colors but it stays the same nice poem and same point and sense.

 

I like how this poem is starting, with one wonderful expression with amazing word: motherthousand --

 

Dust from a motherthousand wasted stars

 

Near after that line you jump to another way of expressing which is not so soft poetical, but it is strong by it's power and I found that very interesting what imagery helped you to express some wildness and the result from it, the stacked trick deck:

 

..., for it was a bold mix

of cloud and sun in which our trippers swam;

but the trick deck was stacked with eights against

them; still, they railed it through a tunnel ram!

 

I like the break in your poem:

And now, a signal from the outer fold

You made a good connection here with the beginning of your poem. Even there was a dust from the stars but still the signal comes from up there - somewhere... " from the outer fold " -- what should come as an advice but in this case comes with irony and anger:

 

"There's only one way to fix it -- don't fix it,"

when she won't share, and he won't wear her gold.

 

I hope this is only a poem, and that you are not giving up so easily :). Maybe there is a way to fix it, especially if it comes as real " an epigram of old. "

 

Interesting how the poem sound in narrative style written in third face.

 

Much enjoyed Tony.

 

Aleksandra icon_smile.gif


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Tinker

Hi Tony, I have come back to this one about 5 times now and it keeps drawing me back even though I am unsure I understand it. I like the rhythm, the sounds (much credit goes to the "surreal rhyme" already mentioned by DC, ) and the images that seem disjointed yet connected somehow. Whether I understand it or not is irrelavant, I like it.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv

Thank you, Aleksandre. I thoroughly enjoyed your astute observations.:D

 

I'm glad you liked motherthousand; I made that one up.

 

Aleksandra wrote:

 

I like the break in your poem:

And now, a signal from the outer fold

You made a good connection here with the beginning of your poem. Even there was a dust from the stars but still the signal comes from up there - somewhere... " from the outer fold "

And thank you for your help with that. You know that I was tempted to use manifold, because it rhymed and coincided with the tunnel ram metaphor, but I'm glad you pointed out that this part of the poem should revert back to the beginning, to the stellar metaphor, and you convinced me to use outer fold.

 

Yes, Alek, it is only a poem, but I hope it has universal appeal, and that many people can gather something from it; even if it doesn't apply to themselves, perhaps it applies to someone they know. And I'm especially pleased that you liked the third person narrative style.

 

Always in your debt and service,

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


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tonyv

Thank you, Tinker, for your attentive reply. I'm glad you liked the poem's sound and rhythm; I worked hard on that part. Sorry for the occasional odd mix of slang and obscure allusion. I'll add a few footnotes after the poem. Maybe it will help.

 

Tony


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Aleksandra
tonyv wrote:

 

Always in your debt and service,

 

Tony icon_smile.gif

 

Thank you Tony icon_smile.gif I like that.

 

Anyway, thank you for the add of the footnotes. That always helps.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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badger11
Tony I love always how you are working on the expressing your feelings into a poem. You always choose the difficult and covered way to do that. Your poem has a spirit of Chameleon, changing colors but it stays the same nice poem and same point and sense.

 

 

An insightful response Aleks.

 

I thought your poem was a mix of drugs references, but tailed to that domestic distance that you so often explore (which is more my kind of territory and will always interest me). Loved your inspired creation of 'motherthousand'. Lots of crafted sound plays for the reader to enjoy.

 

all the best

 

badge

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tonyv
badger11 wrote:I thought your poem was a mix of drugs references, but tailed to that domestic distance that you so often explore (which is more my kind of territory and will always interest me). Loved your inspired creation of 'motherthousand'. Lots of crafted sound plays for the reader to enjoy.

 

The drug references are outside of my personal experience, too. I was using them merely as a vehicle to portray reckless indulgence, excess, and desperation. The other aspect you mentioned is well within my sphere.

 

Thanks for giving this one a look. Btw, I loved your new addition to the audio forum.

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

 

Sometimes a work grabs one by the sheer creative force of its being and this poem is one such work. To unravel the meanings behind the wonderfully surreal images and the magical sonority would take away something of its creative power and impact. So it's a feast for the imagination in every sense and much enjoyed.

 

 

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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tonyv

Thank you, Goldenlangur, for the heartening reflections ... I delight in them!

 

Tony icon_biggrin.png


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Lake

Hi Tony,

 

Like Tinker, I've been back to this a few times... still I can't say I totally understand it but I do have a good feel about it - your normal flare of sound and rhythm. Ah, that coined word "motherthousand", what does it mean? Maybe I'm the only person who didn't get the meaning.

 

It seems that Alek understands your poem better than others. Kudos.

 

Engaging read.

 

Lake

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tonyv

Thanks, Lake! Sorry for the obscurity, but I'm glad you have a good feeling about the poem in general.

Lake wrote:

 

Ah, that coined word "motherthousand", what does it mean? Maybe I'm the only person who didn't get the meaning.

As for that, it's not a thousand stars, and it's not a hundred thousand stars ... it's a motherthousand stars! (Motherthousand means A LOT!)

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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