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Poetry Magnum Opus

Friendly Skies


JoelJosol

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-------- revision ----------------

What if I were thirsty and 7-11

ran out of styro cups?

 

what will hold the overflow

of words, stinging to the ears?

 

This is an escalation

of the weather's status.

 

In Manila, a government man aimed

his thermometer gun

 

To those out in the sun too long.

It's laser hit a forehead.

 

But this is not Iran

where standing up could fetch

 

a stray bullet

from a hostile sky.

 

Get out into this rain,

umbrella-less, to be counted

 

as ex-warm bodies

under this red-shifting sky.

 

If I were in Boston,

I would say,

 

'The snow has mixed

with mud'.

 

 

 

--------- original --------------

If I were in Boston, I would say, 'The snow has melted,

mixing with mud'. But I am in Manila. What if

I were thirsty and there is no oasis nearby? or Seven-Eleven

ran out of bottled drinks and styro foam cups? and instead,

my morning is filled with an overflowing heap

of words, steaming and stinging, to the ears?

Could this be an escalation of the weather's status?

These days, it is difficult to find a friendly sky.

One time I was out in the sun too long,

a government agent got suspicious. He pointed

his high-tech thermometer gun, laser-enabled,

at my forehead. Principle of preemptive strike.

But, this is not Iran. I am not supposed to fall

and get sick. Travel-restricted, I miss the friendly skies.

 

NOTE: I finally found time to post here. I will catch up with my feedback and comments very soon.

Edited by JoelJosol

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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A contemporary sonnet of sorts, Joel. I enjoyed the compare and contrast and the "that was then, this is now" feel I got from it.

 

I was in Boston today. I'm not sure if you have Seven-Eleven where you are, but you have MANILA BAY. I liked this one a lot.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Thank you, Tony and DC. I love that picture of Manila Bay in an eclipse. Rare.

 

I did some revision to strengthen the other half of the poem.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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I re-structured the poem and cut down the wordy lines.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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goldenlangur

Hi JoelJosol,

 

 

The edited version works well.

 

 

 

I like this very much:

Get out into this rain,

umbrella-less, to be counted

 

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Wonderful poem Joel. Good revision too. The first one sounds more narrative, but the second one is right on its place.

 

The restruction is good, but I must say that I like both ways. I like so much here:

 

If I were in Boston,

I would say,

 

'The snow has mixed

with mud'.

 

I love how it looks like the end of the poem, but also I like a lot as the beginning too.

 

Well done.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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