before you say bye

[demonicdevidom]

I stepped on the sky,

Where wind blows by,

As slowly,As time goes by,

I can hear a fly,whisper byBut never expected to hear,A bye,

That could,Make me die inside,

To see my own,Funeral before me,

What a fear,That made me tremble,

 

Now trembling like,An unstable note,

Sitting on this table,I can't help to gasp,

And say all the things,You are,We went so far,

Neither you,Nor I,Can describe the pain,

 

Inside, I want to feel relief,To have one belief,

The belief,That you wouldn't leave,If you only, Knew,what you mean to

me,Bring the feeling back,

 

So you can,..........Bring life in me again.

[Aleksandra]

Hello again Dominick. Interesting poem, and not so sure about how the poem looks at the screen, maybe you should work on this one some more.

Bw, not necessary you to add some note - add the feedback and read. That means that you can read and give a feedback even when there is no note like that. We do all of that, reading, commenting on other's poem, posting ours. It's all collaboration. So don't worry, work and you will get more comments, even without asking :) .

 

The poem as I said, I think it need some more work, I see nice expressions and good ideas here, so don't leave this poem not done. It can be wonderful.

 

Aleksandra

[goldenlangur]

Hello demonicdevidom,

 

 

Nice to meet you :icon_sunny:

 

Aleksandra has given you some excellent advice on how this poem can be reworked to flow better.

 

 

You have some great images which create a dream-like landscape and then there's the anguish and impassioned plea which give it a song-like tone.

 

I like these details very much:

I stepped on the sky,

 

To see my own,Funeral before me,

What a fear,That made me tremble,

 

 

The terror of death linked to the loss of the loved one.

 

 

Thank you.