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Pressing words


summayya

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among the empty clouds

 

that hover above this house,

 

life sulks

 

about the nakedness of gross realities,

 

bothering a fatal hope

 

that slides into the wide horizon

 

beside the yellow sun.

 

 

 

 

PS: Haven't written something for ages. So excuse me!

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

hi summayah,

 

this was very nice. i enjoyed reading it. i think this is a perfect poem. i loved the opening line one and it leads into beautiful thoughts pondering grey areas of life.

 

victor

 

ps. how is married life. i miss my ex even though she left me. i really loved her despite the pain and horror she gave me. i believe god/allah honor's marriages. i don't believe in divorce tho my ex divorced me. i believe i can't marry again or it is considered adultery. if i say to much more i might break the forum rules on conduct of preaching a religion. pm me if you have religious convictions because i do have more to say on this subject but it is mostly religious stuff i was going to talk about. im just curious is all.

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Hi Summaya, This poem is so sad. I think the sadness is deepear because the sun is shining and yet life hides in the empty clouds. Hope should never be fatal, it is just the beginning of living... there is pain here but there is the wide horizon, a lot of space where much can happen. Never let hope die.

 

I've missed you. ~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Hello summayya,

 

 

So much said in a few words and such melancholy you evoke in this poem:

the nakedness of gross realities,

 

bothering a fatal hope

 

that slides into the wide horizon

 

beside the yellow sun.

 

The desolateness of the place mirrored in the rain-less clouds.

 

 

Beautiful and you have not lost your touch. I hope you will write more.

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with others Summayya. This is wonderful write, and maybe you don't write much lately but still you write with poetry passion.

 

Your work is missed around, and yes the hope can't die ever.

 

Hope you are well, and pls do write more.

 

Alek.

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Hi Summayya ... and welcome back!

 

This poem has a gentle twilight feel (even if the sun is high in the sky!) but the central line is the necessary pivot for the opening and for the end, and I'm afraid

 

... the nakedness of gross realities,

doesn't work: I think it's the "gross realities" bit that jars.

 

This line is the one that holds the poem together and it has to be precise, exact, and totally accurate: it has to be the best line in the poem.

 

I'm not nit-picking or fussing about details. If you look at the poem again I think you will see what I am trying to say: this is the essential line that connects the start to the finish and what you have now is OK, but only OK ... not as good as it should be to really make the poem sing.

 

Criticism is sometimes misunderstood as just taking a negative or dismissive view of other people's work. I know this certainly happens ... I've experienced quite a lot of it myself!! ... but what I have in mind here is more supportive and creative, the notion that a friendly idea or suggestion can help an artist turn something already good into something better!

 

Best wishes,

Brendan/ dedalus

Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim

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Hi Summayya,

 

Sorry I'm just getting to this now. I know you posted it a while back.

 

I love the opening lines, but I tend to agree with Ded about the gross realities. I would leave that line out. At that point, I would like to know more, just a little more, about why life sulks. Perhaps something more concrete tying it in to the yellow sun and wide horizon. If my words are too "pressing," please disregard them. :D

 

Tony :)

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Thanks everyone for the read and comments.

 

As for criticism Dedlus its always welcome. And I think I understand what you mean. Lets see what comes up. Thanks a million! :D

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