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Holiday Commute (Trains? Planes & Automobiles)


tonyv

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The weatherman was right:
today, there came a squall.
When jets cannot alight,
the weatherman was right.
"Cars and buses fight,
and traffic's at a crawl."
The weatherman was right
today. There came a squall.

_______________

JOHN HUGHES

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

 

 

 

Original version:

 

The weatherman was right:
today, there came a squall.
When jets cannot alight,
the weatherman was right.
"Cars and buses fight,
and traffic's at a crawl.
The weatherman was right!"
Today, there came a squall.

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I wonder if I have missed something, for way back L6 was to be a rep of L2, or so I thought.

 

That, of course made the triolet more of a challenge, because the major rule is to have L6 to logically, syntactically and semantically segue into what L7, the clincher line, says. I wonder if the change is due to a desire to modernize old forms, make them less rigid. Many triolets fail at just that point. may be just the ticket.

 

Not that it matters, for I enjoy this one, a telling poem and one fun to read and contemplate. Changing the 'punctuation' (and, therefore, the tempo) is laudable.

 

waxwings

Edited by waxwings
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Tony, this poem ( triolet or not - doesn't matter to me :) ) is another wonderful and cute piece by you.

It's amazing how you are getting inspiration to write such interesting poems and how you are playing with forms.

How did you find this? I love it:

 

The weather man was right:

today, there came a squall.

 

You make me think a lot... :)

 

Much enjoyed.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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I wonder if I have missed something, for way back L6 was to be a rep of L2, or so I thought.

 

That, of course made the triolet more of a challenge, because the major rule is to have L6 to logically, syntactically and semantically segue into what L7, the clincher line, says. I wonder if the change is due to a desire to modernize old forms, make them less rigid. Many triolets fail at just that point. may be just the ticket.

 

Not that it matters, for I enjoy this one, a telling poem and one fun to read and contemplate. Changing the 'punctuation' (and, therefore, the tempo) is laudable.

 

waxwings

Thanks, waxwings. I can't purport to know; I'm new to the form. It's just a lazy way for me, this dabbling in triolets ... I find that they're easier to write than sonnets :)) Thanks, as always, for your considered read and thoughts.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Tony, this poem ( triolet or not - doesn't matter to me :) ) is another wonderful and cute piece by you.

It's amazing how you are getting inspiration to write such interesting poems and how you are playing with forms.

How did you find this? I love it:

 

The weather man was right:

today, there came a squall.

 

You make me think a lot... :)

 

Much enjoyed.

 

Aleksandra

Thanks, Alek. :) But I must say that this one wasn't much inspired. I'm almost afraid to confront any real sources of inspiration these days. :rolleyes:

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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I'm almost afraid to confront any real sources of inspiration these days. :rolleyes:

 

Tony

 

I wonder why? You should not turn your back on inspiration. To be afraid of it means to be afraid of yourself... :D ( how poetical I am ;) )

 

I hope will come the right one -- inspiration I mean :) .

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Another triolet, fun to read, Tony. waxwings always sets high standards to the from poems. But hey, there are always variations. :icon_sunny:

 

Season's greetings and all.

 

Lake

Edited by Lake
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I hope will come the right one -- inspiration I mean :) .

I hope so, too, Alek. :rolleyes: Thanks, again.

 

Another triolet, fun to read, Tony. waxwings always sets high standards to the from poems. But hey, there are always variations. :icon_sunny:

 

Season's greetings and all.

 

Lake

Thank you, too, Lake. Glad you liked it. And seasons greetings to you, too!

 

Tony :)

 

 

PS -- I'm adding a slightly revised version above the original. Not sure which one's better.

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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  • 2 weeks later...

Tony. I looked now in your revision and it's interesting how the sound and the way of the poem has changed. I can not say which one is better. A small playing with punctuation and there is coming to some perfection. I love how perfectionist you are.

 

At the original version you have some compatibility of the start and the end of the poem. The narrator says the same thing, narrating that today, there came a squall..

 

At the revised version, you go out of the balance with what you are saying at the beginning and what at the end of the poem. In this version you leave the reader in confusion to wonder at the end of the poem. Here the narrator turns on different side, not so easy as in the original version, when he writes that The weatherman was right

today..

So in the original today came a squall, and at the revised today the weather man was right. You stressed the point of the poem very different and interesting.

 

I love the more confusing version :) .

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Tony. I looked now in your revision and it's interesting how the sound and the way of the poem has changed. I can not say which one is better. A small playing with punctuation and there is coming to some perfection. I love how perfectionist you are.

 

At the original version you have some compatibility of the start and the end of the poem. The narrator says the same thing, narrating that today, there came a squall..

 

At the revised version, you go out of the balance with what you are saying at the beginning and what at the end of the poem. In this version you leave the reader in confusion to wonder at the end of the poem. Here the narrator turns on different side, not so easy as in the original version, when he writes that The weatherman was right

today..

So in the original today came a squall, and at the revised today the weather man was right. You stressed the point of the poem very different and interesting.

 

I love the more confusing version :) .

 

Aleksandra

I love your astute observations re the rewrite versus the original and that you took another look at this, Alek. (I, too, like the rewrite, the "more confusing" version. :) I think it's more true-to-the-form.) Thank you for coming back to it!

 

Tony

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  • 2 months later...

Too few lines, too few words to be able to employ, but you give a full play to the limited space of this form. the perfect conduct of punctuations speaks, producing a picturesque effect of the weather broadcasted. Classic poem for me to read again. I’ve got more about trio and its flexibility from this poem. Much appreciated Tony!

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Too few lines, too few words to be able to employ, but you give a full play to the limited space of this form. the perfect conduct of punctuations speaks, producing a picturesque effect of the weather broadcasted. Classic poem for me to read again. I’ve got more about trio and its flexibility from this poem. Much appreciated Tony!

In my opinion, punctuation is the key to this form. It makes the magic. The triolet is indeed fun, and I'm glad you're getting excited about its possibilities!

 

Thank you, Worm, for taking note of this one. I'm humbled.

 

Tony

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Frank E Gibbard

I was drawn to the title as fan of the late director and like the implied tribute to John Hughes. The form is not known to me but it reads fine to me and the situation a perfect storm Tony.

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I was drawn to the title as fan of the late director and like the implied tribute to John Hughes. The form is not known to me but it reads fine to me and the situation a perfect storm Tony.

He brought a lot of laughs to a lot of people. Lots of good memories there, too. I'm glad you liked it, Frank.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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