The Profits of a Vow - my 24th anniversary poem

[JoelJosol]

In the age of Tiger Woods, cars hit trees from loss of direction.

But loss is a not an action word. It is about now not later.

 

Late arrivals disorient movements, eyes follow the shifting sound

Like hound dogs. They can search and kill with nuclear payload.

 

This is the era of abandoned homes. Before the drones came,

they were deserted. The destruction is just formalities.

 

So, to keep one's sanity intact, shut a partner's mouth

with a kiss. Very pacifist, muffling dissent with affectation.

 

When you come to, try hard to peer into the heavy floating dust.

I recognize myself, organized and structured like a poem.

 

She does not bother with meanings or intentions.

The familiarity of words is an enough welcome.

 

Come is such a risky four-letter word. I ask,

Is our adventure so far profitable?

[dedalus]

Good!!! But you might want to pay attention to tones and shades, to watch your line lengths. May I offer a few mild suggestions? You can later compare them with the original.

 

In the age of Tiger Woods, cars hit trees from loss of direction.

But loss is a not an action word. It is about now not later.

 

Late arrivals disorient movements, eyes follow the shifting sound

Like hound dogs. They can search and kill with neutral hostility.

 

This is the era of abandoned homes. Before the drones came,

they were deserted. The destruction is just a formality.

 

So, to keep one's sanity intact, shut a partner's mouth

with a kiss. Muffle dissent, Pacifist, with false affection.

 

When you come to, peer into the heavy floating dust.

I recognize myself: organized, structured like a poem.

 

She does not bother with meanings or intentions.

The familiarity of words is enough welcome.

 

Come is such a risky four-letter word. I ask

if our adventure, so far, is profitable?

[JoelJosol]

I will note your feedback, dedalus.

[dedalus]

I will note your feedback, dedalus.

 

OK, note, file away ... but in the end always trust your own judgement!

[badger11]

Kept my interest JJ, the shift in focus from the world to the individual, the outside to the inside, that struggle to find meaning and meaning in words.

 

homes/drones had a cold echo

 

badge

[dr_con]

JJ,

 

A wonderful wistful piece- harsh in its assessment of our current reality but with an underlying humanism that is almost hopeful in the face of the great lies of corporatism and capitalism- the last line sent a delightful chill up my spine- very "Shock Doctrine" meets "Rumi" ;-)

 

One suggestion- this line was awkward (in my read):

The familiarity of words is an enough welcome

Rather. maybe better: The familiarity of words is enough of a welcome

 

Many Thanks!

 

DC&J

[Aleksandra]

Joel, this is a wonderful poem. You are making a good anniversary collection of poems. I like how you are rolling out this poem. I read it many times. Thank you for the enjoyable read.

 

Aleksandra

[Tinker]

Hi Joel, I love your opening lines!

 

I started reading and thought, now why didn't I think of that? It was like light bulbs flashing... that is what poetry is to me. The imagery sets off flash bulbs and the reader sees it so clearly. You have a real gift for doing that for me.

 

I want to study Brendan's version next to yours. I have always respected your mastery of rhythm and sound within your lines, with this poe being no exception. But I also know Brendan to be a master of the art as well so I am intrigued by his commentary and I think there will be value in the comparison. I do agree that L12 "The familiarity of words is an enough welcome." is smoother and makes more sense to me without the "an" before "enough".

 

Happy Anniversary! 24 years, almost a quarter of a century... Congratulation.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

I, too, liked homes/drones, Joel:

 

This is the era of abandoned homes. Before the drones came,

they were deserted. The destruction is just formalities.

The lines had a chilling effect that carried over nicely to the following couplet:

 

So, to keep one's sanity intact, shut a partner's mouth

with a kiss. Very pacifist, muffling dissent with affection.

A superb occasional poem.

 

Tony