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waxwings

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A poet, all at once bereft of words,

I am confused. I sigh, I laugh, I moon.

For all my dreams of love, like timid birds,

have flown away. They left me none too soon.

The tears I shed---their sad and mournful tune

haunted my days---have turned into a dried up sea,

for I’ve been granted a long-cherished boon---

the door to happiness now has a key---

because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

 

This is an oldie for badge (and others) to pick on (it needs it). Thanks, young friend, for the encouragement.

Edited by waxwings
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A sweet, metrical endeavor, Ike. Though I'm not familiar with the form, I've noted the interesting rhyme scheme (ababbcbcc) which resembles the octet of a Spenserian sonnet with an additional line tacked on. I wonder if this was a sonnet that got pared down in revision? I have several of those, and they became (in my opinion) my best poems. In any case, I'm a fan of the compact poem, and this one sets up and resolves quite nicely.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Glad you like it, tony. You could say it is a nonce form. It is a slightly loose transpopsition into English of a poem I wrote in Latvian in 1953.

 

The rhyme scheme of the original is ababaccdd and it happened merely by telling of a feeling. The rhyming words just happened to fit the syntactic flow, i.e., I did not plan them.

 

I did struggle with the English version, wanting to both conserve the rhyming (since it happens to mirror the emotions) and to tell the 'story'.

 

I am very much in favor of shorter poems, being a believer that the better poem uses only those words needed to express the emotion. I do not reject the longer narrative poem,but am not good at that.

 

BTW, the sonnet is much beloved because it has a shape (regardles of the type/rhyme scheme) peculiarly suitable for expressing the more serious/solemn, emotionally laden (poetic?) feelings. Any poem that has them thus seems to be sonnet-like.

 

I wonder if ending-couplets with rhyme different from what went before. Also, the lengths of septets, ottava rimas and quatorzains seem to have similar effects. Any further thoughts on that?

 

And thanks for the encouraging words.

is

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The title sets the tone for me.A gentle, youthful warmth with no grey experience to spoil the moment. From the dreams of Rosalind to the 'reality' of Juliet. A dream of another kind, the narrative that can be spun from a smile.

 

A suggestion. I do find that word 'dream' often smuggles itself so easily into my poems and leaves me dissatisfied. Could be just me, but perhaps:

 

For all my words of love, like timid birds

 

Maybe the suggestion has too much repetition or obvious internal rhyme?

 

 

I am confused. I sigh, I laugh, I moon.

Playful, engaging, declares the 'madness'.

 

 

because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

This line 'worries' me most. It works, but my instinct is to try a simple tense change for immediacy:

 

because, today, you do not pass, but stop and smile at me.

Pleased you shared.

 

Enjoyed the read after a day of toil.

 

badge

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Oh, badge, what a sweet response. I hope others here make suggestions such as yours, for I would not post poems I am not totally satified with if there was no hope having some critical/analytical input.

 

Your point re dreams is valid. That word does tend to creep in, and I try to resist that. In this, however, I am "bereft' of a more fitting word, esp. since I feel the need for one metaphoric to the "timid birds". Would "longing" would do, but, again, it may sound overused.

 

The line that "worries" you bothers me as well. For one, it seems longish relative to the rest. The tense fits, but only insofar that the happening it reveals was/is the cause for my current "madness".

 

Would it help, if the last part were "... stopped to smile at me."

Edited by waxwings
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Ah Waxwings, this is such a nice poem. It's good shaped and very compact expressions.

 

And for this:

Oh, badge, what a sweet response. I hope others here make suggestions such as yours, for I would not post poems I am not totally satified with if there was no hope having some critical/analytical input.

 

... you can always post your poem in Workshop forum, or simply put in the title CA, so our members know what you expect the most. It's always wonderful when we get comments on our work, but not everybody can make a comment with critical/analytical input.

 

I am glad to read this poem. When the first lines are such wonderful as in this poem of yours, then the poem must be great.

 

Thank you ww.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

 

The 'and' did slow the line, but did convey the deliberateness of the action.

 

 

For all my plays of love, like timid birds,

 

Just a hint of the role, theatre, previously enacted.

 

badge

Edited by badger11
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  • 4 weeks later...
because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

 

The 'and' did slow the line, but did convey the deliberateness of the action.

 

 

For all my plays of love, like timid birds,

 

Just a hint of the role, theatre, previously enacted.

 

badge

 

What would you think if I changed to

 

For all my hopes of love, like timid birds...

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Hi waxwings,

 

I get a sense of frustration of a poet from reading the poem, which I think many can resonate with. I have a feel that the rhyme of "moon", "soon" and "boon" is kind of too obvious (Admittedly, I got to look up 'boon' for its meaning. Is it archaic?), they even look the same!

 

This is just one person's opinion, please ignore if it sounds ridiculous. :icon_redface:

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Hi waxwings,

 

I get a sense of frustration of a poet from reading the poem, which I think many can resonate with. I have a feel that the rhyme of "moon", "soon" and "boon" is kind of too obvious (Admittedly, I got to look up 'boon' for its meaning. Is it archaic?), they even look the same!

 

This is just one person's opinion, please ignore if it sounds ridiculous. :icon_redface:

 

Dear Lake,

 

Never think yourself ridiculous for asking or voicing a genuine puzzlement.

 

This is a transposition of a poem in Latvian I wrote in my second year of high-school. You will most likely hear me tell again and again that transposing (~translating?) a poem into another language works best when the core content (ideas and emotions that arise of reflecting on some event in ones life) is unchanged, but the poem is written as if it were new, from scratch. To do so, while keeping the genuine original emotion, is nigh impossible w/o employing a rhyming scheme much like that of the original. The likelyhood of words used to be rhyming in both languages is very slim, and one must do the best one can. I have rewritten/rewised this one several times.

 

As for "boon" it has the denotation of something to be thankful for, a blessing or a benefit, and it is not archaic. And "moon" stands for to act or wonder abstracedly or listlessly (as those in love often do). Of course, rhyming, if strange may seem 'too obvious' at times.

 

Yes, the poem is supposed to show a sense of frustration as I did before the event reported in the last line happened. Does anything in it makes you personnaly frustrated?

 

If you ever have a question you are unsure to voice, do not be afraid to ask me for I like you much and will answer the best I can.

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Hi waxwings, it is a beautiful revelation of poet’s contemplation, his disappointments, gratitude and hope. There is a logic in this chain. A poet sighs, yet not despairs, thinking of the bounty, the sea, even dry-up for the time being, but it’s boundless. With a thanksgiving heart, the poet finds hope, you is the metaphor of the fountain/ inspiration/loving words. I favor the tense changing, one of the features why I love this poem.

 

the door to happiness now has a key

because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

there is a word, if it were for me, I would delete, the unneeded because, with an implicit ending. Besides, it's not intricate for readers to reason the relation in between the last two lines.

 

and for the overused dream, how about zeal? just a hint.

 

I’ve been so amazed at such deep thoughts when you were just a school boy. By the way, a novel title.

 

 

A very nice poem waxwings!

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Thank you waxwings for your gentle reply. Now I feel less restrained to ask questions on the board.

 

Does anything in it makes you personnaly frustrated?

 

No, not at all. I meant I felt the frustration of the narrator. And perhaps many writers share the same sentiment one time or the other.

 

This is a transposition of a poem in Latvian I wrote in my second year of high-school. You will most likely hear me tell again and again that transposing (~translating?) a poem into another language works best when the core content (ideas and emotions that arise of reflecting on some event in ones life) is unchanged, but the poem is written as if it were new, from scratch. To do so, while keeping the genuine original emotion, is nigh impossible w/o employing a rhyming scheme much like that of the original. The likelyhood of words used to be rhyming in both languages is very slim, and one must do the best one can.

 

I didn't know this is a translation, then it must be a good thing as your said " but the poem is written as if it were new, from scratch."

 

I quite agree with you on "a poem into another language works best when the core content (ideas and emotions that arise of reflecting on some event in ones life) is unchanged". To maintain the original meaning is very important.

 

"To do so, while keeping the genuine original emotion, is nigh impossible w/o employing a rhyming scheme much like that of the original." It is only ideal to transpose ( I'm using your word now) a poem from one language to another exactly. It might be easier for some languages than other languages, or from one language to another language in the same language family. It is especially difficult to do so from pictographic to alphabetic written languages or vise versa.

 

Thanks for the discussion.

 

Lake

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I salute you for your sympathetic commentaries. Hope you are not gilding the lilly or trying to salve my ego by elaborate speech. However, when reduced to plain talk, you interpret correctly the emotions behind this poem.

 

I'm having a problem w/attaching my responses to the post they are aimed at and am not yet savvy enough to use the type of "quotes" the rest of you here do. What is worse, I occasionally find them--or their placement--confusing as to which particular previous point they address and how does the response to that quote fit in. I am not questioning the sincerity of the intent just the mechanistics of this site.

 

Until I have all that straight I must utilize, to keep my sanity, a means I am familiar with I have used on other sites and would in a off-line type, snail mail correspondence.

 

Hi waxwings, it is a beautiful revelation of poet’s contemplation, his disappointments, gratitude and hope. There is a logic in this chain. A poet sighs, yet not despairs, thinking of the bounty, the sea, even dry-up for the time being, but it’s boundless. With a thanksgiving heart, the poet finds hope, you is the metaphor of the fountain/ inspiration/loving words. I favor the tense changing, one of the features why I love this poem. In view of my experinces outlined above, I feel somewhat uncertain re wheteher you are for keeping the past tense, or not. I wrote in reflection of what had just happened, but am told that present tense may be stronger, and admittedly, the reader may not see or have to abide my intent and still enjoy the poem.

 

the door to happiness now has a key

because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

there is a word, if it were for me, I would delete, the unneeded because, with an implicit ending. Besides, it's not intricate for readers to reason the relation in between the last two lines.

I agree, but when I wrote this my erudition level was much lower. I had not learned that EVEN ONE SINGLE UNNECESSARY WORD CAN SPOIL A GOOD POEM.

However, what do you mean by 'intricate'. A poet should never think her/his audience could be less bright. I hope those who take time to read poems are at least as and hopefully more bright than I am. Of course, the literarily more intelligent reader will see that word-notion is implicit in the syntax.

 

and for the overused dream, how about zeal? just a hint. ~~~ do you mean 'hopeless zeal for love'

 

I’ve been so amazed at such deep thoughts when you were just a school boy. By the way, a novel title.

 

 

A very nice poem waxwings!

 

I am very glad you like it.

Edited by waxwings
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A poet, all at once bereft of words,

I am confused. I sigh, I laugh, I moon.

For all my dreams of love, like timid birds,

have flown away. They left me none too soon.

The tears I shed (their sad and mournful tune

haunted my days) have turned into a dried up sea,

for I’ve been granted a long-cherished boon--

the door to happiness now has a key

because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

hi waxwings, I read others' comment and your replies. I like the tenses as appear in the poem.

for the because, just for me, I would omit.

 

 

and for the overused dream, how about zeal? just a hint. ~~~ do you mean 'hopeless zeal for love'

and zeal is for my passion for poetry/love/dream.

 

I salute you for your sympathetic commentaries. Hope you are not gilding the lilly or trying to salve my ego by elaborate speech.

 

I agree, but when I wrote this my erudition level was much lower. I had not learned that EVEN ONE SINGLE UNNECESSARY WORD CAN SPOIL A GOOD POEM.

 

waxwings, it seems i've been misinterpreted because of my limited English which I long forgot and just decided to pick up years ago. I respect and admire every member in PMO. I'm just a timid and yes bold worm with good intention here, to learn, to make friends if possible. I didn't meant to offend anybody. I'm always true, to myself and my friends. If my words betray I beg your forgiveness.

 

Thanks for your response.

Edited by worm
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What would you think if I changed to

 

For all my hopes of love, like timid birds...

 

'hopes of love' - lacks poetry WW, tells rather than 'delights'

 

badge

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A poet, all at once bereft of words,

I am confused. I sigh, I laugh, I moon.

For all my dreams of love, like timid birds,

have flown away. They left me none too soon.

The tears I shed (their sad and mournful tune

haunted my days) have turned into a dried up sea,

for I’ve been granted a long-cherished boon--

the door to happiness now has a key

because, today, you did not pass, but stopped and smiled at me.

 

hi waxwings, I read others' comment and your replies. I like the tenses as appear in the poem.

for the because, just for me, I would omit.

 

 

and for the overused dream, how about zeal? just a hint. ~~~ do you mean 'hopeless zeal for love'

and zeal is for my passion for poetry/love/dream.

 

I salute you for your sympathetic commentaries. Hope you are not gilding the lilly or trying to salve my ego by elaborate speech.

 

I agree, but when I wrote this my erudition level was much lower. I had not learned that EVEN ONE SINGLE UNNECESSARY WORD CAN SPOIL A GOOD POEM.

 

waxwings, it seems i've been misinterpreted because of my limited English which I long forgot and just decided to pick up years ago. I respect and admire every member in PMO. I'm just a timid and yes bold worm with good intention here, to learn, to make friends if possible. I didn't meant to offend anybody. I'm always true, to myself and my friends. If my words betray I beg your forgiveness.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

No reason to be concerned about your English. I have noticed you are not always perfect, and it does not matter for it is clear you are intelligent and literate in the general. You have not offended nor am I likely to be so, unless someone gets unreasonably argumentative, even rude.

 

I have already stated that "because" is not exacrly crucial, but, without it, the preceding line would have to be end-stopped, and "Today (w/a u.c. "T") could sound like a new sentence, not all that clear a continuation and closure of all preceding text.

 

Tell me a bit more about yourself. What other language you can know, how you came to it, when you knew English better and how you forgot some of it.

 

Another thought re fine tuning language/words in poetry. Synonyms may have slightly different connotation, being unsuitable to the emotion of the poem in question. For instance, I was, at 19, most definitely smitten by this girl admired by many fellows and was dreaming/hoping to have my love returned. We did come to a vague understanding, but, being homeless refugees could not plan to make it a reality. In that light, "zeal" seems to me a notion more akin to "fanatic". I'd love a fix, if you can think of one. The line might be alterable w/o loosing that sense/emotion. I did feel that my drems for a future together were indeed hopeless.

 

, living as refugeeso far from

Edited by waxwings
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Hi waxwings, to answer you is not easy this time, but there is no way to escape.

 

from worm:

waxwings, it seems i've been misinterpreted because of my limited English which I long forgot and just decided to pick up years ago. I respect and admire every member in PMO. I'm just a timid and yes bold worm with good intention here, to learn, to make friends if possible. I didn't meant to offend anybody. I'm always true, to myself and my friends. If my words betray I beg your forgiveness.

 

Thanks for your response.

from waxwings:

No reason to be concerned about your English. I have noticed you are not always perfect, and it does not matter for it is clear you are intelligent and literate in the general. You have not offended nor am I likely to be so, unless someone gets unreasonably argumentative, even rude.

 

I have to say my last comment is irresponsible. I just took a glance over your response(surely misunderstood), feeling disturbed, then left my words in a hurry because my sister was waiting outside for our short trip. Now I’ve come back. Rereading your comment I know the one who has been misinterpreted is you. I’m sorry for what I said and sincerely hope you can accept my apology.

Tell me a bit more about yourself. What other language you can know, how you came to it, when you knew English better and how you forgot some of it.

 

as for myself, my language ability and its progress, there is nothing to mention, for I’ve just begun, and you’ll know a bit more with my performance in future.

 

I have already stated that "because" is not exacrly crucial, but, without it, the preceding line would have to be end-stopped, and "Today (w/a u.c. "T") could sound like a new sentence, not all that clear a continuation and closure of all preceding text.

 

Another thought re fine tuning language/words in poetry. Synonyms may have slightly different connotation, being unsuitable to the emotion of the poem in question. For instance, I was, at 19, most definitely smitten by this girl admired by many fellows and was dreaming/hoping to have my love returned. We did come to a vague understanding, but, being homeless refugees could not plan to make it a reality. In that light, "zeal" seems to me a notion more akin to "fanatic". I'd love a fix, if you can think of one. The line might be alterable w/o loosing that sense/emotion. I did feel that my drems for a future together were indeed hopeless, living as refugeeso far from

 

I thought ‘my dream of love’ was for poetry. From your expatiation now I know the whole story, with color of old memories, and what the poet really hoped for.

 

Thanks for your time, patience and tolerance!

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