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Poetry Magnum Opus

Song of Worm


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I am a worm

not the nauseous one

who wiggles into your body

pretending to do good deeds

but investigate

and snatch your guts

to study the law of intestines

nor the vicious one

who creeps into your apple

lurking for your bite

tittering at your cry

 

I am the worm

a nice one

with a little lantern

to lead the way at night

singing a luscious song

soundless in my blue flight

low and high

Edited by worm
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goldenlangur

Hi worm,

 

 

Nice to meet you :D

 

How imaginatively you lead the reader to the enchanting beauty of a glowworm. I agree with douglas, that your poem concludes on a lovely note:

 

...

I am the worm

a nice one with a little lantern

to lead the way at night

singing a luscious song

soundless in my blue flight

low and high

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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This brings to mind Whitman's (mega) poem "Song of Myself".

 

The only nit from me is that maybe you can loose "a nice one" in the line below, which, to me, is telly?

 

I am the worm

a nice one with a little lantern

 

Nice one.

 

Lake

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This brings to mind Whitman's (mega) poem "Song of Myself".

 

The only nit from me is that maybe you can loose "a nice one" in the line below, which, to me, is telly?

 

I am the worm

a nice one with a little lantern

 

Nice one.

 

Lake

 

sorry lake i didn't get you by saying maybe you can loose "a nice one" in the line below, would you make it clear? sorry for asking.

 

i haven't read Whiteman's Song of Myself yet, but with your reference, i'll do that soon.

 

thanks for your time.

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A lovely little song, Worm. The form makes the poem especially appealing. It's not too long and not too short; it's just right.

 

Tony

 

 

i'm very happy with your acceptance of the form. thanks for applaud Tony.

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  • 1 month later...
This brings to mind Whitman's (mega) poem "Song of Myself".

 

The only nit from me is that maybe you can loose "a nice one" in the line below, which, to me, is telly?

I am the worm

a nice one with a little lantern

 

Nice one.

 

Lake

 

hi Lake, I'm brushing up my poems suddenly when I recall something unsettled for this. it, to you, is not telly but because I'm silly.... now I take your suggestion and have it fixed:

 

I am the worm

a nice one

with a little lantern

excuse me for the slowness.

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This brings to mind Whitman's (mega) poem "Song of Myself".

 

The only nit from me is that maybe you can loose "a nice one" in the line below, which, to me, is telly?

I am the worm

a nice one with a little lantern

 

Nice one.

 

Lake

 

hi Lake, I'm brushing up my poems suddenly when I recall something unsettled for this. it, to you, is not telly but because I'm silly.... now I take your suggestion and have it fixed:

 

I am the worm

a nice one

with a little lantern

excuse me for the slowness.

 

What Lake means is that the 'rule' of a poem being better with the least words, just enough to transmit the ide/thought/message. In this case you give us, right after "a nice one", a description that makes us see you are "a nice one" without expressly telling us so. Cross out those three words. They dilute the message.

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This is an exquisite poem and the second 'stanza' is superb in conveying a believable observation and view/attitude.

 

The first part is no slouch either, with its mix of the humorous and nearly macabre. But I would suggest you check out the connotations of the werbs and the 'fancier' words in it to make sure they deliver that exact shade of meaning you intended them to. Be careful of some verb-preposition couplings. One or two are alien to the Englisdh vernacular spoken in the USA. The errors for even native speakers is the inability to feel if a verb is transitive or intransitive in the context if not in terms of what the dictionary say.

 

Thanks for the wonderful experience your poem has gifted me with.

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