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Suit of Spring Songs


worm

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Budding

 

stretches

and yawns--

peanut seed

at dawn--

 

she awakes

peeping up

from earth brown

 

Bloomer

 

flowers of wine

spread

all over

the hill side

 

flit about

the sloshed

butterflies

 

Seawater

 

soft winds

wrinkle

the waters

satin blue

 

sea birds

lark it--

high and low

 

 

Cloud

 

Are you ok

sullen cloud?

what worries

you?

 

what matters

if the sky

falls?

 

Rain

 

Misty-moisty

flossy rain

will you meet

fields' dire need

 

farmers pray

for mercy

heaven-sent

 

Comes Spring

 

Winter's last chill

stumbles, gone

new green

ushered in

 

wind bells

tinkle --

comes spring

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Elegant from from to content, Worm. There isn't a word or thought out of place. Even the layout gives the semblance of poems on a lovely scroll. I wish I wrote this "Suit."

 

Thank you for this. Welcome, spring!

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Lovely, fun and like spring, a blast of fresh air!

 

Well done worm...

 

DC&J

Thanks Doctor! This is my seasonal offering to PMO. I'm glad it brings fresh air.

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Elegant from from to content, Worm. There isn't a word or thought out of place. Even the layout gives the semblance of poems on a lovely scroll. I wish I wrote this "Suit."

 

Thank you for this. Welcome, spring!

 

Tony

 

Tony, this is my essay at Septolet newly learnt from other poets. I thank you for the recognition. Your words can always boost my confidence.

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Fascinating. Others have, obviously, like I, enjoyed this. Another of those compositions that breathes poetry, even though no one has as yet told us, unambiguously, what poetry is. Yes, I know. Several respectable poets have done so and urge us to add to the list of " what is poetry like", (not definitions from the dictionary)but to add to that list would take time better spent in projecting it as your poem does.

 

Some mostly linguistic comments.

 

The first part of "Budding" is marvelously haiku-like. But, should the double dash not be after "yawn"? And "earth brown is an inversion, a technique of poets from times past and not always the best way to add novelty. I'm not saying one should not try to employ it.

 

As for "Bloomer", "blossoms on the wine (? tree/bush/plant))" seems the proper image. And I would like to say that the order of images seems as to be inverted or is it the line breaks cut some images in half whereas I have heard that may not create the tension between structure and flow.

 

"Seawater" is great except for the opening "Zephyrs", a most definite poeticism as many such 'descriptors' shunned by contemporary writers. Also "the satin blue of waters" would be the slicker, more impressive way to say same. You have created a very fresh image, but the word order is a bit archaic.

 

In "Clouds", I think an "if", after "clouds" could be more stylish.

 

As for rain, seems "dire ... of fields" would be les cacophonious than "field's dire..."

 

And then, the last one: "is" before "gone" seems needed for 'smoother' sound, and last line is, again, a most 'naked' inversion.

 

Your language is very cultivated throughout you comments, but this marvelous poem seems a bit on the brusque, terse side. If that is your intent, my comments are merely a specific, personal take and does not detract from your poetic bent.

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worm,

 

I agree with Dr.con that it is light, singing, springy, with Tony that it is like a scroll of spring and with ww that some inversion of the word order sounds not very natural to today's taste. And my reaction is I'm not sure the question in Cloud "are you ok...?" I am not saying you can't use colloquial language in poems, it is just that in this case I feel "are you ok?" comes too easy, not in line with the poetic expressions in your other verses. Again, this is just one person's opinion. Have a listen and toss when you see fit.

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Upfront, thanks for the most valuable analytical comment waxwings.

 

Fascinating. Others have, obviously, like I, enjoyed this. Another of those compositions that breathes poetry, even though no one has as yet told us, unambiguously, what poetry is. Yes, I know. Several respectable poets have done so and urge us to add to the list of " what is poetry like", (not definitions from the dictionary)but to add to that list would take time better spent in projecting it as your poem does.

 

the conception of poetry from you is estimable and gracious. I love your insight of projecting poetry with a poem. Honestly, when it comes to theory of prosody, I feel it esoteric to comprehend, but to update my writing skills and appreciation tastes, I'll have to pay attention to some fundamental study.

Some mostly linguistic comments.

 

The first part of "Budding" is marvelously haiku-like. But, should the double dash not be after "yawn"? And "earth brown is an inversion, a technique of poets from times past and not always the best way to add novelty. I'm not saying one should not try to employ it.

 

I agree to add a double dash hyphen after yawn, which helps gain momentum after a short pause. For the earth brown, I'm not deliberate for inventiveness. It's sheer of sound consideration, the consonance of final repetition of consonant cluster between down/brown.

 

As for "Bloomer", "blossoms on the wine (? tree/bush/plant))" seems the proper image. And I would like to say that the order of images seems as to be inverted or is it the line breaks cut some images in half whereas I have heard that may not create the tension between structure and flow.

Wine here refers to a color of claret or tinged red wine. I tried wine flower, but it carries special connotation. As for the line breaks, I did try many a time and admit my way cuts the image in half, reluctantly acceptable. Here is no tension problem, I can only justify myself for pleasing eyes in form. well, maybe I can do a little change,

Flowers of wine

spread

all over

the hill side

"Seawater" is great except for the opening "Zephyrs", a most definite poeticism as many such 'descriptors' shunned by contemporary writers. Also "the satin blue of waters" would be the slicker, more impressive way to say same. You have created a very fresh image, but the word order is a bit archaic.

 

since zephr first appears in my work, I just put it to seek advice. I'm very pleased to read your clarification, so I will stay clear of it and fine-tune the verse with soft winds. I like the satin blue of the waters, but I want to estchew the preposition of(which seems overrun). For this part I would refine as follows( with numbers of words accounted),

Soft winds

wrinkle

the waters

satin blue

In "Clouds", I think an "if", after "clouds" could be more stylish.

 

Done with it.

 

As for rain, seems "dire ... of fields" would be les cacophonious than "field's dire..."

Agree with you but for word-number-count, I will just leave as it is.

 

And then, the last one: "is" before "gone" seems needed for 'smoother' sound, and last line is, again, a most 'naked' inversion.

 

There is a comma before gone, and this caesura pauses long enough for the chill's stumble, a hesitation, then a reluctant go. Grammatically and semantically I would keep it for the proper beat.

 

When using the device of inversion, I know there must be some rules to endorse. Here it's naked. However, I would like to keep it, rendering a unique sentiment of surprise and excitement, to foil a jubilant atmosphere. Or maybe from my mind's eyes, I read it (here) comes spring with here simply hushed, secluded.

 

Your language is very cultivated throughout you comments, but this marvelous poem seems a bit on the brusque, terse side. If that is your intent, my comments are merely a specific, personal take and does not detract from your poetic bent.

From your narration, I've begun to grow an awareness of what a poetical language is. It should be worked tracelessly even if it is borrowed. I thank you for putting forward this point.

 

Journeying along with my spring song, I've benefited a lot with your help. I'll have my poem re-edited. Thanks again waxwings! Thanks for your time spent!

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worm,

 

I agree with Dr.con that it is light, singing, springy, with Tony that it is like a scroll of spring and with ww that some inversion of the word order sounds not very natural to today's taste. And my reaction is I'm not sure the question in Cloud "are you ok...?" I am not saying you can't use colloquial language in poems, it is just that in this case I feel "are you ok?" comes too easy, not in line with the poetic expressions in your other verses. Again, this is just one person's opinion. Have a listen and toss when you see fit.

Lake, your question is from a subtle discernment. waxwings also points out language features in my verses and comments. Now I understand, language of poetry is from life but should be larger than life. A nice poem is supposed to be a craftwork, so when words borrowed, they are to be processed.

 

much appreciated!

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