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Loving the Rituals


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Loving the Rituals

 

We stand face

to face. Our eyes

talk. Again, I press

it gently in your hand,

you give me a most

tender smile.

 

This intimacy, this

mother-daughter

relationship

well wrapped in

the red envelope

grows stronger as

years grow longer.

 

Line breaks by waxwings

 

We stand

face to face.

Our eyes

talk. Again,

I press it

gently in your hand,

you give me a most

tender smile.

 

This intimacy,

this

mother-daughter

relationship,

well wrapped in

the red envelope,

grows stronger

as years

grow longer.

 

 

.

Edited by Lake
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This is a wonderfully simple and heartfelt poem. I would like to make a suggestion. A most unanimous suggestion by numerous noted poets I have met believe that line breaks are a most crucial element for separation of images, especially so in 'free verse' or 'open form' poems. The main tenet is that the last word of a line should preferably be a noun and/or verb. Some call them strong words, but I do not agree. Ending a line w/conjunction or preposition should be done carefully, as should be the splitting of certain phrases/multi-word ideas. I think the word for such is "syntagma". There are other caveats.

 

The most concise way for me to demonstrate is to tinker with your poem. Be assured you do not have to do anything to the poem I say. There are other options which have to come from the poet's own self. My ideas are tinged with opinion, even if it is reasonably educated.

 

Generally, I like the kind of mood effect yor choice of line length produces. And I have tried to rhink as you might when changing the breaks.

 

Loving the Rituals

 

We stand

face to face.

Our eyes

talk. Again,

I press it ~~~~~~~~~~~~ not sure what "it" is. Is it your face? If so, perhaps "press into/against your hand"

gently in your hand,

you give me a most

tender smile.

 

This intimacy,

this

mother-daughter

relationship,

well wrapped in

the red envelope,

grows stronger

as years

grow longer.

 

.

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Yes, the ritual is lovely, Lake -- I like how you don't tell what is in the envelope -- and it's meaningful to commemorate it with a poem. Thank you for sharing this intimate poem.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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I find myself lacking any knowledge or unambiguous idea what a red envelope is or stands for. Nevertheless, the poem gives me a warm feeling. My only thought/opinion in my immediate response was any poem should have line breaks that are imaginatively consistent throughout.

 

Imaginative consistency is a gnarly concept. It is aluded to be the standard by which VERSE (?poetry) is judged by and judged to be distinct fro PROSE which is judged by standards of truth and falsehood.

 

In effect, there seems to be something about how line breaks are decided upon, either grammatically, syntactically, semantically and emotionally, i.e., by some mixture of all those aspects of speech.

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Thank you, Tony, for spotting the envelope.

 

Dr_Con, what do you do with the red envelopes? :)

 

Thank you both for liking it.

 

Lake

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Hi waxwings,

 

Thank you for the suggestion of line breaks and the punctuation inserted in S2. Acturally, I played with the line breaks. The original was a four line poem, then I broke it into what it is now. I know it is still not perfect yet. I like your way of doing it, I'll put it up with mine so that others can compare.

 

"it" refers to the red envelope. Well, it is a tradition - at family gatherings, children are given red envelopes (or red wraps) on their birthdays, new year's day, or on their wedding days, with a certain amount of money. And the color of red symbolizes good luck and is supposed to drive evil spirits away.

 

Yes, it is simple as it could be.

 

Thank you for fine-tuning my poems. I'll practice line breaks in my future poems.

 

Lake

Edited by Lake
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hi lake, like all other readers, I love the ambience you've created, very good theme. As for the array, I have to say,waxwings’ suggested version makes sense to me with more task-oriented lines/phrases.

 

They say life itself is poetry, but only those of poetical savvy are capable enough to turn every moment a fine poem. You are one of those lake.

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Well in Santeria the red envelopes are used for the donation money during a ritual or party for the orisha--- When we do paper burning we sometimes use the red envelopes for private gifts to the ancestors---- They seem perfect for many many uses;-)

 

DC&J

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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Well in Santeria the red envelopes are used for the donation money during a ritual or party for the orisha--- When we do paper burning we sometimes use the red envelopes for private gifts to the ancestors---- They seem perfect for many many uses;-)

 

DC&J

 

Thanks for the further elucidation. But do tell where Santeria is and what is an orisha. I could google but I'd rather 'hear' you say it.

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They seem perfect for many many uses;-)

 

Yes, they do, don't they? :)

 

It sounds universal - in this respect that money in the envelope, burning... It'll be very interesting to know more about Santeria if you don't mind telling...

 

Lake

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