worm Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 It's strange so many years gone by reviewing the pit-a-pat rain streaming down from dark sky I still recognize the pain on such a deep night my scarring heart chipped with wrecked parts long quietened feels a slice of wrench again memories of bits and pieces the soft touch, the sweet kisses the careless whisper the outburst laughter your nightly haunting songs my wildly rapturing tears all strung up like the rain threads, falling plaintive rhythms mistily swing in the distance I hear the thunder, once more rolling, roaring, crackling-- then, fading away Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 As per usual- a wonderful piece- a few subjective grammatical corrections: quietened- I prefer simply quite (ignore please grammatically correct! ;-) but the intention and execution is just, well mewah! Well, well done... DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 (edited) Hi Worm, It has an ambiance and tone. The lack of caps and punctuations, however, makes me reread some lines. For example, in S3 memories of bits and pieces the soft touch, the sweet kisses the careless whisper the outburst laughter your nightly haunting songs my wildly rapturing tears all strung up like the rain threads, falling plaintive rhythms mistily swing I am not sure what swing. Is it memories, or rain threads, or plaintive rhythms? Maybe I'm too slow. I noticed only the first word in the first line is capitalized and the rest is all in lower case. If you intend to write in small letters, why don't you make it coherent? Or perhaps, even leave the first line? Just a thought. Lake Edited April 28, 2010 by Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I love the mood of this one, Worm. It takes me to that rainy night, and I feel like I'm looking out a window at the wet darkness, the occasional streetlight, and perhaps even a cityscape off in the distance. I love the sense of fragmentation and disintegration, the memories of bits and pieces/the soft touch, the sweet kisses. Your word choices are terrific and help to set this difficult-to-capture mood. Reviewing (the rain), dark sky, deep night -- it all takes me to a place I know well, to a secondary "far-seeing place" of my own. I can't quite find the right word to describe the mood, so please allow me to share two links to a musical piece which (for me) captures the same mood: complete song I know the poem is not the song and vice versa, but for me the mood and concept of the poem are as wistful as the song. Of course, the end resounds: in the distance I hear the thunder, once more rolling, roaring, crackling-- then, fading away .... I am there, and I feel like this one's my own. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 in the distanceI hear the thunder, once more rolling, roaring, crackling-- then, fading away Very impressive poem. I agree with Tony's comment. No need to add more. I like this poem, a lot. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.