Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus

Rhythms of Rain


Recommended Posts

It's strange

so many years gone by

reviewing the pit-a-pat rain

streaming down from dark sky

I still recognize the pain

on such a deep night

 

my scarring heart

chipped with wrecked parts

long quietened

feels a slice of wrench again

 

memories of bits and pieces

the soft touch, the sweet kisses

the careless whisper

the outburst laughter

your nightly haunting songs

my wildly rapturing tears

all strung up

like the rain threads, falling

plaintive rhythms mistily swing

 

in the distance

I hear the thunder, once more

rolling, roaring, crackling--

then, fading away

Link to post
Share on other sites

As per usual- a wonderful piece- a few subjective grammatical corrections: quietened- I prefer simply quite (ignore please grammatically correct! ;-) but the intention and execution is just, well mewah! Well, well done...

 

DC&J

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Worm,

 

It has an ambiance and tone. The lack of caps and punctuations, however, makes me reread some lines. For example, in S3

 

memories of bits and pieces

the soft touch, the sweet kisses

the careless whisper

the outburst laughter

your nightly haunting songs

my wildly rapturing tears

all strung up

like the rain threads, falling

plaintive rhythms mistily swing

 

I am not sure what swing. Is it memories, or rain threads, or plaintive rhythms? Maybe I'm too slow.

 

I noticed only the first word in the first line is capitalized and the rest is all in lower case. If you intend to write in small letters, why don't you make it coherent? Or perhaps, even leave the first line?

 

Just a thought.

 

Lake

Edited by Lake
Link to post
Share on other sites

I love the mood of this one, Worm. It takes me to that rainy night, and I feel like I'm looking out a window at the wet darkness, the occasional streetlight, and perhaps even a cityscape off in the distance. I love the sense of fragmentation and disintegration, the memories of bits and pieces/the soft touch, the sweet kisses.

 

Your word choices are terrific and help to set this difficult-to-capture mood. Reviewing (the rain), dark sky, deep night -- it all takes me to a place I know well, to a secondary "far-seeing place" of my own.

 

I can't quite find the right word to describe the mood, so please allow me to share two links to a musical piece which (for me) captures the same mood:

 

complete song

 

I know the poem is not the song and vice versa, but for me the mood and concept of the poem are as wistful as the song.

 

Of course, the end resounds:

 

in the distance

I hear the thunder, once more

rolling, roaring, crackling--

then, fading away ....

 

I am there, and I feel like this one's my own.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Link to post
Share on other sites
in the distance

I hear the thunder, once more

rolling, roaring, crackling--

then, fading away

 

Very impressive poem. I agree with Tony's comment. No need to add more. I like this poem, a lot.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.